I lost my brother in the early hours of Wednesday morning. He had been in hospital for just over a week. He phoned me when he first fell ill and I told him I didn’t think I could take him to the hospital because of what is going on so he called an ambulance. I didn’t take his illness seriously enough (he didn’t have Covid) and never really thought he would die. He was alone the whole time because no visitors were allowed. Then he stopped replying to texts and phonecalls and I found out he was on a ventilator. In the early hours of the morning I got the phone call that I should go in. My parents are shielding but we were had to be there. But now, I’m alone. I live alone and I haven’t even been able to hug my parents. The funeral is in 4 weeks and I realise that I will have to sit on my own. I can’t get over the guilt of not going to him when he called, and not telling him enough that I was thinking of him. I just didn’t think he was going to die. I know it’s not my fault. I know that I couldn’t possibly have predicted how quickly he would deteriorate, but it kills me that he was alone.
very sorry for the loss of your brother.sadly theres nothing I could possibly say that could ease the pain you must be going through.just hope you can get some much needed support and comfort from your parents and friends.we all go through what ifs and if onlys and sadly we cannot change what happened.you will no doubt go through many emotions and some how you will find a way to live with those feelings.just know there are many wonderful people on this site who are here to offer a bit of comfort and advice when they can.please try say safe and take care
regards ian
Hi. vicky. Welcome to the site no one wants to be on, but is there for us thank God. Guilt is a very corrosive emotion and is so unnecessary. I too suffered guilt for some time after my wife’s death. But I soon realised that I did what I did at the time because I thought it the right thing to do, AT THE TIME. You didn’t think he would die. Neither did I at the time.
There can never be any blame attached to our actions. No one knows the pain unless they have been there.
It’s far to soon for you to think about the future. If you are the only one at the funeral then so be it. Your presence can make up for a hundred so called mourners if you have love in your heart. He’s not gone, just continued on his journey, the journey we all have to make.
You have been and are going through a life trauma, about the worst it’s possible to contemplate. There is light in the distance, but too far away for you at the moment. You must look after yourself and support those who also mourn. I can only wish you some little peace among all this turbulence. Be kind to yourself and try and put the guilt into perspective. Blessings. John.
Thank you Ian. I know I’ll get through it but mourning alone feels like I’m in limbo right now. I do have people looking out for me though and that does give me comfort.
I’ve been telling myself that Jonathan. I had no way of knowing what was going to happen and it wasn’t my fault but hearing it from someone else just reminds me that it’s true. That I did what I thought best at the time. I take comfort knowing that he knew he was loved and that our final words were positive.