Feelings of guilt

It’s almost two years since I lost Rob and since then I have found keeping myself busy helps . But and it’s a big but, I’m am starting to make changes around the house and garden . Rob was a hoarder so I have had years and years of things to wade through things like books ( enough to start a library) papers, scooter parts both inside and outside the house . Today I have had a builder round to hard surface the back garden and give me a patio I have waited 34 years for . I have mixed feeling about it though I’m excited to think I am getting and outside area I can Sit on and it’s been a life long dream of mine but I also feel guilty and as if I’m throwing him out my home and life and that’s the last thing I would do .


My Mum and I always lived together and I sadly lost her 12 weeks ago unexpectedly. I had moved her downstairs as she did have some mobility issues so I stripped the dining end of the living room and made her a downstairs bedroom. She adored it and kept saying how excited she was to see what new dining furniture I’d choose when she was better and back upstairs. Obviously that didn’t happen.

I have the new furniture in and at first it felt odd but I do get the sense she knows, because she sees through my eyes. She was always house proud and incredibly proud she was able to leave me a house. She loved decorating etc but couldn’t in the last few years and it made her miserable. I found some new year resolutions she’d written over the last few years saying getting the house back to how it was and we talked about getting someone in to emulsion etc.

So I like to think I am honouring her in this way, I was in Dunelms on Saturday, her favourite place! and swear I could feel her beaming that I was putting my stamp on our home and appreciating it, alongside all those bits and pieces we collected over the years.

all the best, Beki x

So that’s a very long winded way to say this was your home together, and Rob is ingrained in that beyond scooter parts etc and i am sure he’d want it to be beautiful and comfortable for you. Why not take some of the scooter parts and make them into garden ornaments/features?


Hi, reading the post from Kazzer and your open and positive reply Beki, I just wanted to say thank you for putting your thoughts and feelings down so well. That was such a powerful story about your mum and you and I’m sure was helpful to anyone who happens to read it who is going through the same situation.
Thank you and wishing you well.


Thank you Miche, that’s very kind of you to say so.

So many of these are much easier to say than do! And sometimes the oddest things can get you. The other day one of our favourite knives broke and it felt like the end of the world throwing it out. Then again I have her stinky everyday house shoes in her memory box.

But when it comes to our surroundings I like to think our loved ones would want those to be as comfortable and nice as possible, yes with memories of them but not stagnant, though again, often easier said than done

Much love to everyone going through the same thing, at least here we know we are not alone in it

Beki x


Just over 2 years since Bill died and I totally get what you are saying .Bill died at home and I found I needed to make changes especially in our bedroom in order to cope .But every now and then something becomes worn out or broken that we bought together and you get that little pang of sadness .But the real truth of who they were is in our hearts and I just feel they would want us to live our lives as best we can .Take care

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