Fifteen months

I’ve been part of this community for fifteen months and nothing is getting any easier in fact I feel I’m deeper in despair , sadness and fear . I can’t think of any future without my husband and I’m now crying daily I don’t want to get up thoughts of Christmas depress me. Even though I’m crying everyday when I look at photographs it’s like it’s not real I don’t feel sad or happy looking at it it’s bizarre . I did have six counselling sessions but I don’t think I was ready to let everything out so to speak. I have a son and daughter but they have issues of their own and some things that I feel about my husband’s death are too personal to share with them. We were together for forty two years and neither of us had close friends we had each other and that’s all that mattered to us I gave up my job in May and now wonder if that was the right thing as I don’t have that social contact anymore. How do we carry on day to day when our plans for getting old together have been taken away . Sorry to be so negative but I’m so sad and lonely right now and know what’s said on this site no-one is judged . I know their is no time schedule for grief but that’s what scares me the most.

Aww, so sorry Baby 10, I know exactly how you feel, I’m the same. 18months since my lovey passed, after 46yrs, and it doesn’t get easier does it.
I retired to look after her in her illness, now every day is lonely, wondering what the future holds. Sometimes I hope I won’t awake in the morning, but, find myself with her in heaven.
We to, saved up, and was looking forward to retiring, and growing old together.
Don’t feel that your alone, there’s a lot of lovely people on this site on the same journey. Take care… John

Hello Baby10n. I’m sorry to read you are in so much turmoil and distress. I understand the things you say as I’m also very much locked in this painful phase myself and it’s been 25months. All loss is terribly sad, but it sounds like for you, as for me, there is an unresolved layer of trauma somewhere that you can’t reconcile or come to terms with. Some the things you say in your very first post were similar to what I was saying at the time, and now many months later what you are saying is uncannily similar to my own situation. I’m sure it’s because there is an extra element of trauma involved somewhere. It’s possible it’s causing delayed grief/complicated grief. At least that’s how I feel, please forgive me if it sounds like I’m making assumptions on your grieving.
I’ve found it’s somewhat difficult to speak to family about and so it’s all locked within and of course that brings its own problems. Are you open to trying some more counselling? I don’t feel I could do this at this time.
I understand there s no time scale on grief and if anything it lasts for ever, but trauma shouldn’t and we deserve to remember our loved ones with peace. I’m really sorry I can’t be more positive but I just wanted to let you know I understand and it’s not unheard of. Sending compassionate thoughts.

Thank you John for your reply I agree there are a lot of lovely caring people on this site.
Regards Pam

Hello Tina19 Thank you for your reply and compassionate thoughts I’m sorry you find yourself in this horrible place of grief it’s overwhelming at times isn’t it. I feel like you that I’ve locked things inside and worry that it will all come out at the most inappropriate time because of some trigger!! I do think your right about counselling in my area you can self refer so I do think it’s time to try and sort that for myself. Kind regards
Pamx

In reply to John D, Pam and Tina 19
Hi guys I only joined support sueryder today although I have looked at the site over the past 6 weeks, I lost my husband on the 1 October very unexpectedly as he had a fatal heart attack when he was away in Spain on a cycling holiday. All the posts I have read are one of the things that is keeping me going as I sometimes feel that everyone else’s life are just ticking along while mine has just hit a concrete wall. We were together for 33 years and naively thought we still had many more years together. My heart goes out to all of you as I know how broken and alone I feel. I just want to know that this opportunity to talk to people who are unfortunately in the same position as me is hopefully the steps that we all need to gather strength to know that we can carry on.
Regards Alison

Hi Alison
My husband Carl died on the 2nd July. It was very sudden too. He was in the gym and I was swimming next door. He had a fatal heart attack. I was called out of the changing room to be told my husband had collapsed and I was there for the whole time as the ambulance/air ambulance staff tried in vain to revive him. I was there when they took him away. He was 58. We had been together for 41 years, since school, and we had taken early retirement. Carl was my best friend, my soul mate. It was just the 2 of us. I wake up every morning with a churning, horrible anxiety. It does improve when I’m with people around me but I also get flashbacks and awful days. I’ve been referred for 1-1 counselling for PTSD, and have been told it’s important that this is addressed. I know what it feels like to lose someone so suddenly and I’m sending you love and hugs. Take care. Love, Linda x

Hi Linda thank you for getting in touch and sharing your heartbreaking story with me, we all feel so alone and think everyone in the world is happy and leading productiv life’s. I have been getting increasingly down over the past 4 days and sitting for hours at a time just staring into space and not feeling like I can carry on without Ian. Your response has opened my mind to the fact that I am not alone, I too have terrible anxiety and panic attacks. My family and friends have been great and I have continued to excercise but feel my energy levels have just disappeared. I worry that the pain I am in will never subside and that frightens me so much. Please carry on with your positive approach and hopefully we can carry on as Carl and Ian would never want this for us. Take care and stay strong.
Alison

Hi Alison
Thank you for your kind words. You’re right that our husbands would want us to stay strong. Even on the darkest of days, I force myself to get up,get ready, do my hair and make up and just try and do things. I believe that Carl is around, I have to. I am sad, and like you, very low sometimes, but we have no choice but to carry on, step by step, hour by hour. We had moved to Cornwall for our retirement. We loved it, but all my family and friends are in the midlands so I’ve rented a small place to be close to them, to give me support and help me through. I travel back and forth, listening to Harry Potter audio books!! Safer than music and reports that may remind me of our life together and upset me when I’m driving. It’s 18 weeks for me, and it’s been hard. It still is but we have to find an inner strength from somewhere. Posting on this site has helped me to realise that I’m not on my own in this, that we are in this club with support. Just to say, you’ll find that some days the pain, although there, will subside and give you some relief. Hope that helps. Love Linda

https://pin.it/taeg22qspwlsd7

When I hurt so much I think of this saying. X

Thanks for that LinF, yes there is no time limit and to be honest for some of us it may be there for the rest of our days. You get use to the feeling, like a knee pain or arm ache, it just becomes part of your life but that’s not everyone’s experience.
I think the difference is the ‘soul’ mate thing.
It’s hard but being alone you need to go out and join things even church groups, in fact anything because it does help, the pain is less when you are busy. Volunteering is a useful way to meet people, you don’t have to get to know them just seeing other people, helps. The funny thing is life goes on even if we don’t want it to.
Blessings to everyone.

Thank you Lin…that is both beautiful and oh so true!
29 months on and I feel exactly the same as Baby, John and Tina. I too have wondered whether my grief has become “complicated” but then all grief is complicated and often exacerbated by external issues such as where one lives, what opportunities exist and whether one even has the inclination or money to pursue possibilities. It is scary to think that we shall always feel so empty but I really believe that we have to accept that this is how it is now and try to not worry about tomorrow. Some people heal quicker than others and we just have to hope that one day we will have got so used to carrying our own particular weight that we are no longer crushed by it. Take care x

Hello Baby10,
My heart feels for you and I understand what you are going through. My husband died unexpectedly January 5th. I felt that along with him, my life ended. But he came to me in a dream several weeks later. He was young, happy and seemed very excited about his new journey. He told me to look ahead and I was going to be just fine.

The way I was finally able to deal with the heavy weight of loss and grief was to reverse the situation was to ask myself how would I want him to deal with the loss of me and I said that I would want him to move forward, find happiness and when he was ready to fall in love again, not be alone. We actually had that exact conversation a few weeks before he died.

I miss him with all my heart, but, he has shown me he is happy and in a better place. I also know that he watches out for me because there are times when his presence is so heavy.

Honey, you will be ok in your own time. One day you will start smiling again and before you know it you will feel alive.

Our birthdays were a few days apart…mine 11/29 and his12/3. Last year we decided to go to Martinique to celebrate our birthdays this year. I’m leaving on the 29th for Martinique. He will not be with me physically but I KNOW he will be with me in spirit.

One day at a time Baby10

Hello Baby10,
My heart feels for you and I understand what you are going through. My husband died unexpectedly January 5th. I felt that along with him, my life ended. But he came to me in a dream several weeks later. He was young, happy and seemed very excited about his new journey. He told me to look ahead and I was going to be just fine.

The way I was finally able to deal with the heavy weight of loss and grief was to reverse the situation was to ask myself how would I want him to deal with the loss of me and I said that I would want him to move forward, find happiness and when he was ready to fall in love again, not be alone. We actually had that exact conversation a few weeks before he died.

I miss him with all my heart, but, he has shown me he is happy and in a better place. I also know that he watches out for me because there are times when his presence is so heavy.

Honey, you will be ok in your own time. One day you will start smiling again and before you know it you will feel alive.

Our birthdays were a few days apart…mine 11/29 and his12/3. Last year we decided to go to Martinique to celebrate our birthdays this year. I’m leaving on the 29th for Martinique. He will not be with me physically but I KNOW he will be with me in spirit.

One day at a time Baby10

Hierica10
I am so pleased you are off on your trip and I know some days may be hard but you are doing what you feel is right, so good for you.
Hope you have a fantastic time and I know he will be by your side.
Yes one day at a time.

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