Final goodbye

So the time has now arrived, the finale to my life with my Sammy. I’ve had her ashes for several weeks and it’s nearly time to say sorry and goodbye, as we scatter her ashes on Sunday. All the family have insisted on being there and saying their own farewells. Which I can’t refuse, because of their own grief.
I think it’s the prospect of wading out into the water and releasing her spirit back into the world. I know that there’s no way back from that. But I can’t live in a shrine, I really can’t it’s too painful. Don’t get me wrong I’ve pictures and stuff on the walls. But I need to understand that the pain will never subside while I sit and stare at her belongings. After death there is rebirth and the circle of life carries on. I’ve been waiting for a few months now for the world to acknowledge Sammys passing, but it won’t it just carries on spinning, which is what I’m doing.
That last page is the hardest to turn and I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to read that my last paragraph. Because I know for sure it’s not ‘AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVERY AFTER’

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Another difficult day for you - my heart goes out to you. Like you, I wanted a happily ever after - we worked so hard towards one, but alas, it was not meant to be. Life just doesn’t make sense and is so cruel. I hope the day goes as smoothly as it can. I always find the day after harder, when reality sets in - again.

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I will be thinking of you on Sunday. Three weeks before I do something similar for my husband.

I am struggling each day as the occasion approaches. Wondering if he will think I have abandoned him but the stretch of beach we have picked is remote and a little slice of paradise where we spent many family holidays and walked as a couple.

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Sounds beautiful - you can only do what you think is best for you and him. I am telling my children explicitly what to do for me so they don’t have to think about it.

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Dear Jules

This is what I had always discussed with husband and our kids. Husband never said what he wanted, so as I expect he will want to be reunited with me when the time comes this will have to be his resting place also.

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You know the really ironic thing, after Sammy passed away I found a letter to me she had written during a night of loneliness for her. And it had instructions for her funeral and wake and ashes. I couldn’t bring myself to read it for about 4 days and I still have tears in my eyes as I’m trying to write this.
So nobody wore black and she didn’t want a wake at all, she even said where her ashes are to be released.
Is that a premenition or just forward planning…

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Whatever it was, it means that you know exactly what her wishes were. Me and my husband discussed it briefly at the start of the pandemic - mainly because I was going to be exposed so I thought it anything was going to happen it was going to happen to me. He wasn’t really worried about what happened as long as I was alright with it - which was very typical of him - putting me first again.

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Unfortunately lovey, that’s what us men do… You put the one you adore before a single thought enters your head. So I can’t argue with that logic.
That’s why I’m so lost now because that’s all I knew for a long time

Well I agree that some men do - mine certainly did and I knew and appreciated it. Trouble is, I still don’t think I took good enough care of him for this to have happened.

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The other thing is I know that he would want me to be happy - without shadow of a doubt- but I don’t see how I can be without him. I know he would hate what this has caused.

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Dear Jules4

I am sure that if my husband is looking down he will be heartbroken at what the fall out has been since the accident and also his heartbreak at not being here for our two grandsons, one he never got to meet.

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From what you have described Jules it sounds like your hubby was a cracking guy. Everyone but himself. So you shouldn’t punish yourself for what you could of or should of, if you can stand up a say that he laughed or smiled every day, then you couldn’t have done any more. I have noticed we are All our own worst critics. And I hold my hands up because I’m exactly the same. Unfortunately the shoulds, woulds, and coulds can’t change the past, but I know personally I tried hard. And it’s not easy believe me I know.

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Amen to that, my grandson is 5 months now… Its a crying shame that the kids don’t get to enjoy their grandparents as well

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