Finally reaching out

Hello, being a stubborn person I’ve been blocking out and denying it was “anything special” for over 10 years after the sudden loss of my partner of 2 years.
I’m socially isolated and can’t turn away from it any more and I need some support and community to help me through this loss.
She was my world, often I can’t sleep because she’s not there, I can’t date again because I feel I’m cheating, if something happens I end up running away in tears because she’s dead and yet I’m betraying her memory.

Hello asdfgh,

Welcome to this community. I am sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your partner and that you’ve been struggling with her loss in a number of ways. Much of what you’ve mentioned is a normal reaction to bereavement, particularly as it came about suddenly, and I hope being here helps you feel less alone in this.

You mention that you’re socially isolated and I wondered whether you have anyone - a close friend or family member - that you can talk to? It’s really important to share how you’re feeling rather than bottling it all up, but I know that can be difficult.

If you feel it would be helpful we’re currently offering free bereavement counselling to community members. This is all held online so you can access the service from the comfort and safety of your own home. If you’re interested in finding out more there is additional information here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling/about

Take good care of yourself and keep talking to us as long as it helps.

Eleanor

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Thank you Eleanor.
I’ve always found it difficult to talk about stuff.
I’ll need to think carefully about the counselling, my last experience was truly dire, complete with a misdiagnosis of autism.
Saying that this is normal is a comfort, it is the feeling of being abnormal and the only one to have lost a partner young (especially with the same-sex aspect) that has been stopping me from getting help.
The close friend I could talk about this to has just got married and is starting a new life abroad, salt in the wound even though I’m happy for her - I couldn’t legally marry my partner.
Thank you again for listening.

Hi, I lost my wife of 1year and 12 days 5 months ago. I thought I was a stubborn person but to hold onto your feelings for 10 years seems like a living nightmare. My wife was ill so we had time to talk. I cannot imagine what it was like for you when you lose someone suddenly.
Being socially isolated makes your situation so much worse. I hope you have received some helpful guidance from others as i’m quite new to this.
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Take care
Ange

Hi Asdfgh,
Just wondering how things are going?. I suggested to the website that perhaps they should have a gay section because although we are all grieving I believe there can still be quite a stigma attached to same sex relationships and almost an attitude that we couldn’t possibly love as deeply as straight people. I hope you find this outlet useful. If you ever want to message someone in the same situation i’m here.
Look after yourself
Ange

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Hi Ange,
I find the advice around for widowers useful as it reflects the sigma against not being “the happy stereotypical gay”.
It might have helped now in retrospect if I hadn’t burnt everything of hers after her death.

Self-segregating into a gay section might be counterproductive as everyone has a different role in a partnership.
I am looking after myself, and hope you are too.
Asdfgh

It was a nightmare, I lost myself and became physically ill with chronic fatigue the nearly killed me. I’m back in shape physically now, but the tangle in my head is taking time and steady effort with self-help.
Thank you, I guess you are also not alone in this.
How are you doing?
You take care too,
Asdfg

Hì Asdfg, chronic fatigue is so debilatating and isolating. Unless you have a truly dedicated support network people may just slowly stop coming round. I’m glad you are physically recovered and I loved your use of the word ‘tangle’ to descibe what it’s like in your head. I feel exactly the same. You start off thinking one thing and then suddenly you are having a completely different thought like an internal crossed wire. It can be very frustrating! I’m ok, early days for me. Still can’t believe I won’t see her, hold her, smell her, kiss her… I’m in denial at the moment. Stare at photos all day and cry at night. I know I can do this but sometimes I really don’t want to and I just want to be with her.
Thanks for responding.
Ange

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Hi Ange,
I get that too sometimes, what you wrote really hit home with what I still experience at least once or twice a month.
Steph still has her side of the bed (despite various house moves and furniture changes), don’t know if it helps or hinders. It’s certainly necessary for me at the moment, it reminds me that I’m part of her legacy in the world and she lives on through me. She was my rock and I miss her. Her ghost still haunts my insomnia with a painful absence, would be a good way of putting it.

My mind sometimes flips between imagining wild fantasies of how she could not be dead and come walking back into my life, and trying unsuccessfully deny any of it was real.
It’s good you’re as in touch with reality as you are, even though it makes you cry.
Thank you for helping,
Asdfg

Hi my wife died 23 months ago it’s her birthday in six weeks every anniversary is marked by the build up and actual day to such an extent I’m completely at loss and in agony just about functioning , I have two children twins and if it were not for them I would not be here now, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to hang on and find a reason or a purpose. My wife was ill for a long time mentally and I now realise I have been ill since before she died
Although it was an accident I had my suspicions she had taken her own life this was compounded by what a policeman said to me and I just spiralled out of control things got from bad to worse and I feel completely at a loss I’m displaying alarming behaviour mostly anger and resentment at seeing other couples apparently happy or just taking things for granted. Some days I have moments of clarity others none I struggle with certain things on some days familiar things we did and on others I sit with her happily and do them but that always comes back to bite me stupid things like tea coffee and scones the depths i sink into are just awful and I’m a danger to myself.
Just don’t know why I’m here ,thankfully the children are 18 in nine weeks I’m just about hanging on hopefully. David

Hi David, reading your message is heartbreaking. Do you have anyone close you want to confide in just how low you are getting? I find that difficult myself because I feel that unless that person has gone through the same thing they don’t have a Scooby Doo. Being a parent too I feel I have to be brave but I don’t feel it inside. Today was weird. Out of the blue I felt robbed of our future, of getting old and grumpy together. I felt really angry. I know what you mean when you find it difficult to find a meaning or purpose but you have to try to remain strong for the twins. Being around someone with a mental illness can be so isolating and challenging. Try not to torture yourself about how your wife may have died. It doesn’t serve a purpose, it will only keep your brain in turmoil. I listen to a self help audio at night to help me process my thoughts and try to start to look forward. I think its helping. I haven’t had a nightmare for a while.
Keep in touch David I sincerely hope things improve for you soon.
Angie

Hi Ange thank you for replying…
I have three friends no family other than the kids but I feel I’ve exhausted my friends with this to the point where one told me to man up a few weeks ago and I guess they’re sick of my moaning and winging and I understand that but it’s not helpful…today is a better day so far but I’m aware it can just change in an instant I guess others don’t get it but I sure wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through this to get an understanding…I get really upset often seeing couples our age out and about doing what we did I often think of the future that we lost with all sorts of things like grandchildren and trips away or out to do what we enjoyed …I find my behaviour erratic and poorly judged often so when I’m good it overwhelms me I guess this is it just lurching from one crisis to another hoping to get through somehow but my inner self tells me one day I’ll fail to hold it off and frankly if not for the impact on the children I wouldn’t have previously resisted … David

Hi
I lost my wife 9 weeks ago tomorrow she was 51 and I totally agree with all you are saying.
our first grandchild was born 2 weeks ago today and Margaret was so looking forward to meeting her and it is heartbreaking that she never did.I also have 3 children and but for them I dont know where I would be. I promised Margaret that I would look after them so thats what i will do and just try and survive day by day.
please take care
William

Hi William,
How cruel that your wife didn’t get to meet her grandchild I bet the thought of it kept her going. You are fortunate to have your family around you, although sometimes it can just compound the loss because its so obvious someone essential is missing. This is undoubtedly the worst club to belong to but i’m glad to have this outlet.
Stay strong William
Ange

Hi David,
I’m so glad you have found the strength to carry on. It would be so tragic for the twins to lose both of you.
Have you thought about doing a course or something that will get you out of the house and meeting new people. Something for you David because it sounds like for years you have put other people first.
Find something you’ll have fun doing, I have an 11 month old puppy which gets me out walking and meeting people.
Kind regards
Ange

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