Finding it hard to Cope

Coping with bereavement
#1

I just hard a very hard time last night and started crying uncontrollably and just needed somewhere to turn to. I just woke up because my illness (migraine and stomach problems) have been triggered by my crying. To summarize my situation. I lost my mum a couple months ago to cancer and dad a few years before also to cancer. My brother and nephew have treated me very badly to which I felt utterly betrayed as I looked after my nephew for years as he was growing up because my mum adopted him. Lost my three aunts (one who was my surrogate gran) over the last year two. I basically lost my aunts on my mums side too as live far away and they have been speaking to my brother and nephew on facebk and have believed their lies and now are not talking to me. I haven’t done what one of them accused me of. That was so hard when I found out. I also don.t have any friends left partly because of my previous hours at my job and my illness and people moving away and being there for my familyetc. I don’t have a partner as I gave up the love of my life the first time my mum had cancer (I was 22 I thought my mum was more important) and I never found anyone else. I have two uncles left one by marriage and my dads brother. Both are quite elderly. My Uncle by marriage just lost my aunt in November. Anyway thats you caught up thanks for reading so far.

I thought despite everything I have been through I was managing to cope but last night my uncle threw me for a loop. I have so little people in my life right now. We have both been supporting each other just talking over the phone very regularly. Anyway last night he phoned me and was basically quite mean to me completely out the blue and was laughing at me. I know he had been drinking and he had his cleaner over for a visit at 8 o’clock. I know he was kind of hyper and showing off for her. But it really hurt, I just feel so broken , I feel that so many people in my life have either betrayed me and shown me unwarranted cruelty of they have died or abandoned me. I try to be a good kind helpful person no matter what and am having a really difficult time coping right now. I am so lost and lonely. I know I will pull myself together and put on a brave face at work because at least I am only part-time now. Talking of work this temp guy who knew my situation (there was a notice up when my mum died at work so everyone knew before I could tell them so I was off for a week) told me to stop moaning and get a family it was very weird as I had never said anything about my situation to him all I said was I missed the music playing and i said it with a smile like a jokey moan. I never told him about my stuff only told my boss and a few people that I have known for years. Had to talk to someone but work friends tend to be only at work. It was a really horrid thing to say i didn’t say anything back was just shocked. I am finding everything really hard right now. My eyes hurt with crying. Think if I won lottery would go for a counselling retreat. I really need something like that. I think a lot of people on here do.

There are so many of us on here who have been through so much., not only bereavement but all the stuff that comes with it. And it leaves us so vulnerable. Anyway I just needed some space for a wee moan and to share my heartache. 'Thank you for taking the time to read and I hope that you are doing as well as you can in your circumstances.

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#2

It is really hard when we lose so many of our friends and family , like you I am mostly alone to cope with life , when that front door shuts it can get so quiet . People say and do odd things in our grief and I struggle to interpret if it’s my misunderstanding of them or if they really are that insensitive . I guess that if they have not had life changing events or are just numb then they just dont get it .
Take heart that we who are lost are found here on this forum

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#3

Hi. Meebee. I am not the sort of person to wish ill of anyone, but I sometimes wish that just for a moment, just a short time, people who make such remarks could feel this pain. I am afraid that Christ’s last words come to mind. ‘Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do’. They have no idea of the pain words can cause. It’s all very well to say ignore them, but we are so sensitive and vulnerable. They lack compassion or any form of human kindness. Please don’t despair of people in general. There are so many kind and considerate people about who know and care, as on here. I too lost a lot of my faith in my fellow man at first, but I came upon so much kindness. It’s OK to cry. I still do now and then.
Take care and try and take any unwanted remarks from whence they come. Blessings. John.

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#4

Hi. Geoff-tee. People do say and do odd things in grief. We all do, and it’s our own individual way of expressing the pain. But to expect anyone who has not experienced it to understand is asking too much. I too often wonder if I have misinterpreted what someone has said. But insensitivity is often all too apparent.
It comes up time and again on this site where someone has been hurt by insensitive remarks. Word have power and they have the power to hurt, but words can so often be uplifting. Our choice of words should be carefully considered before we write or say them
Very best wishes. John.

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#5

I agree , which is why I waited almost a year before I joined because I was so raw and sensitive , as are all here , time does not really heal but it does keep replacing the bandage

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#6

Dear jon123 and Geoff-tee

It was my uncles words that truely hurt because he has never been cruel or malicious to me before and I have done a lot to help him and my aunt over the years. The guy at work thing was just very strange, hurtful and calleous and carelessness but he was never a friend so it didn’t matter so much. Whereas with my uncle it really hurt because I have so few people in my life at all. it helps just to get things off your chest and know that someone hears you and you are not so alone in the world. Thats what I feel like now, who is left to care if I die. Who would even know anymore. No-one i don’t really matter at all. I feel like that a lot now when my physical illness plays up then I get more emotionally weakend. And when something else bad happens it just knocks you for six. I want to phone my uncle and tell him he owes me an apology but due to the fact he was drinking he probably wont remember or bluster his way out of it. I just don’t know how I feel. He was someone left who had known my mum and dad for years and I know this was an aberration but I also don’t know because if this new woman in his life is going to cause him to behave like that then I will have lost someone really close. Another one.

Anyway I just want ed to Thank you both so much for your kind words and support. I know what its like having a really quiet home its really hard sometimes. To Jon I can totally relate to what you are saying about wishing other to understand our pain I too don’t ever wish ill of anyone and yet I was getting totally bullied and sexually harrassed at work when my dad was ill and after he died and then I thought exactly the same thing if they could feel the pain they cause maybe they would be kinder. But that is a long time ago this time round I had a much nicer and kind mangaer. I couldn’t have coped without that. I dont despair of people in general but I do find it hard to think of trusting people and don’t know how I am going to make new freinds when the family I have and people I have known for years have been so harsh it has made everything much more difficult. Geoff-tee I like your words about how we who feel lost are found on this forum its very true because there really isn’t a lot of suppport out there I know I have looked.
there are support groups for the elderly, for gay people for people with cancer for carers, Alzheimers, Parkinsons and many others but there is very little for people who are bereaved thank goodness for sue ryder. To be honest this forum isn’t enough at times but its better than nothing. Its like going to a big support group that you can just drop into when you need to and it does help. So thank you both for your kindness. n
Know that I am thinking of you both in your struggle too. Thank you for caring it is appreciated.

#7

Hi. Meebee. It may seem a bit crude but in bereavement, especially in the early days we have to sort ‘the sheep from the goats’. There will be kind folk who understand, and others, the ‘goats’ who just don’t seem to care. I have come across both and I am now able to sort one from the other. The ‘goats’ don’t bother me anymore. I take it from whence it comes, ignorance. When counselling, and also from personal experience, I realised so many had been hurt by words, and often from those close to them. In a fit of exasperation or anger we may say things we later regret. An apology is helpful, but words can’t be taken back once said.
“The moving finger writes, and having writ moves on. Not all thy piety or whit can remove one word of it”
We should try not to get in the habit of feeling we are walking on eggshells. Neither should we go to the other extreme. Buddhist’s talk of ‘The Middle Way’. If we need be critical, and sometimes it may be necessary, then we can do it in the kindest way possible.
If you feel the need to phone your uncle then that’s your choice.
If your uncle is not aware he owes you an apology then you run the risk of being hurt again if you phone him.
Are you taking enough care of yourself? Eating and sleeping. I know it’s difficult, but we so often tend to neglect ourselves in bereavement. Be kind to yourself as well as others.
Blessings. John.

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#8

Thank you jon
I always believe in kindness and balance I believe in yin and yang but I think that is very similar to buddhist middle way but its been a while since I looked into it. You seem to be a bit of spiritual magpie like me I too take bits from different religions as I think all the main ones have something of value to say. I am kind of forced into looking after myself as my illness makes me take it easy. Eating and sleeping as you know yourself is definately difficult. Sometimes stress and upset make us not eat or eat too much comfort food ie rubbish. As for sleeping it is dictated by my nosy neighbours and my illness and my work schedule. I work nights so my sleep habits are off kilter anyway. Thank you so much for caring it is very much appreciated, I am thinking of you too and hope that you have some support and some good people in your life. take care of yourself too.

#9

Hi @Meebee, so sorry you are going through this, I know your uncle was the one person you trusted, it must be devastating that that trust has now gone, please just rememeber people rather often say stupid things they do not mean when they’re drunk, and hopefully he did not mean it and will apologise, in any case, we’re always here for you whenever you need someone.

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#10

Ok so quick update things got worse again. My brother, his friend (who is a bit intimidating and creepy) and my nephew decided to come into my work (I work in a supermarket) . Due to his causing me problems my brother had previously been banned from my work when I am working. He knew this. Unfortunately the manager who initiated this to protect me is on secondment and the security team who knew about this has changed. Which my “family” must have noticed. Anyway upshot was I went through the back and called the managers who wouldn’t ask them to leave desoite ban in place. Instead I was told to wait through the back so much for protecting your staff. Anyway upshot is I am now working reduced hours unpaid until this is sorted out. I cant afford to continue this indefinately as it is too much money to lose.

I was even considering moving jobs and homes and completely leaving the area. Not sure what to do. At the moment. Financially it is very difficult to do that. Plus while I have very little support most of it is from people at my work. Some of the staff have been great. So if I left I would be completely alone. Very difficult. On the other hand a completely fresh start away might be a good idea. However it is very hard to do that just now what with the COVID. Urgh. Still at least this is a good place to vent and look for advice. I know I am too raw to make such lasting decisions but at the same time I feel forced into it. Its just getting a bit too much too bear.

#11

What are they actually hoping to achieve ?

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#12

So sorry to hear about this - they must have a miserable existence if they have nothing better to do than go around harassing you for no reason. It doesn’t seem normal, please stay safe and try and keep your distance from them.

Yes, it might be a good idea to just stay where you are for the time being if you have some good colleagues. If you did move, would there be anything from stopping them from following you? Sorry, they just seem creepy, and it worries me that if you move they will get more confident that they have power over you and harass you even more.

#13

Quick wee update, My uncle just phoned and he didn’t remember phone call that mega upset me cause he was so unlike himself and he apologised because he never meant it. So at least thats back to normal for now. I will play that one by ear. As to Geoff-tee. God knows why they came in its not as if we don’t have a mega abundance of supermarkets where I live we have one of each. They knew the security team had changed and they were just chancing their luck and probably trying to make things difficult for me. Its not the first time they tried to cause probs for me at my job thats why I got my brother banned in the first place. and I never got the nephew banned when he started trying to turn my workmates against me.because the shop had restricted opening hours during the COVID so I was only working when it was closed. So it wasn;t an issue till things started to reopen in the last few weeks.

#14

I really appreciate your kind thoughts and support… Oh they wouldn’t follow me if I moved away from the area as they wouldn’t know where I was but it would be a major nuisance partly because of the COVID. i just think in some ways I would be better off just cutting ties and leaving as I don’t really have any friends outside work due to my hours and i am also single. So I have no major ties anymore to hold me here and the people that do I can always visit but its a big decision to make on the spur of the moment. I live in a nice town not a nice area but a nice town so am reluctant to give that up but I don’t know perhaps its is better long term. Its hard because I have never gone anywhere ( I have live abroad before for work) unless I am going to something, this would feel different as I have nothing to go to just now. I am safe because I am now working less hours but it is a major cut in pay and frustrating. its the local supermarket but there is like 6 of them where I live and even more in the neighbouring towns So technically they could go to any other one. Also they were only banned during the time I was working and until now they obeyed those rules . To Abdullah I hope you are doing okay relatively speaking and are looking after yourself too. take care

#15

Well that is good they won’t try and find you if you moved, they do seem creepy to me.

Totally understand what you mean about moving to a new place and starting afresh, but as you say, sometimes it can be best to stay where you are when you’re so uncertain about the future and going through a bad time.

At least your uncle is now talking to you again and has apoligised for his behaviour when drunk. We all need people we can rely on and I know you have both relied on each other in the past.

Hope today is an ok day for you.

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#16

As I said before, if your uncle does not feel the need to apologise then leave it. But he has, and it may have taken him a lot of courage to do so. So many find an apology difficult, even though they know they have hurt someone.
I would suggest not doing anything at the moment. Your emotions are in shock and any decision you make now may not feel right in the future. As for them finding you, well, I am sorry to say that is too easy these days. My neighbour had a similar experience with her ex husband. He pestered her so much the police got involved and they were very helpful. They told her to phone them if he turned up again. Thankfully, he has not.
Allow a little more time to pass then make up your mind.
Blessings. John.

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#17

Hi. Meebee, once again. I totally agree with you. I too am what you call a ‘magpie’ when it comes to religion or matters spiritual. In my view every so called religion has something to offer. I have always been drawn to Buddhism. It seems to me to take life as it comes with compassion (Love) and understanding is good. Things are as they are. Asking unanswerable questions is futile, and can often lead to despair. Taking events as they come and dealing with them in a compassionate and kind way is what it’s about. All life is sacred, from an ant to a human. We all need to respect that and try and practise it.
Take care and when you have time, try and look at some spiritual advice. It’s always there, but it won’t come to you, you have to ask for it. Blessings and take care. John.

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#18

Ahh it’s so true the saying you can choose your friends but not your family

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#19

Hi Meebee
Afraid I’m not sure why your family members are making your life such a misery but it seems to me to be a case of bullying and bullies need to be stopped.
Years ago I had a problem with my ex husband. To other people he was an intelligent, nice man with a good job. Our split was amicable and he soon met someone else which pleased me however he seemed to believe that I was his property and I wasn’t allowed a life. In those days the police wouldn’t become involved even though he attacked and hurt me. So I was on my own. I was told to move away both by Police, Solicitor and GP. But I had no intention of running from my home and a good job which I loved. However life had other idea’s. I came down south to visit relatives and had a fall that broke my arm and shoulder. I couldn’t drive home. I rented locally and over thirty years later I am still here, never going back to my house again. All my mail was sent via Post office and I didn’t register on the voting list. My whereabouts was kept secret. It was fraught at first and I thought it was the end of the world and couldn’t see where I went from here but eventually I sold my house, purchased another one, got another job and made a life for myself once again. The icing on the cake was that I met my husband and had another thirty years of happy marriage.
It wasn’t easy but I do think that things happen for a reason.
Good luck.

#20

Thank you jonathan
Spiritually I totally agree with you. I find the looking into religion and finding its meaning part of the journey of life. Just as it comes along. You are such a very wise and kind person and I appreciate all your advice and kind thoughts. Buddhism is definitely a very gentle religion about respect and compassion. I like that it is a little like what I used to think wicca was at least not wicca that tv and modern society made up but older wiccan is respect for life and nature. I too like science. I feel that science is like gods words and teachings to help us evolve but it is hidden so that we learn slowly as a people and so that we see other things and learn morality also because science is what we need to learn but religion is our morality so that we can use it wisely. Its not really working out that way. But I like the idea. My religion evolves slowly as I learn. And I like what you have learned it you definitely have found a compassionate wisdom. Yes my uncle and I made up it is easy to forgive someone you love when they apologise and it comes from the heart. It wasn’t so much that he hurt me it was more that I felt maybe I had lost someone else too and that was too much for me. But knowing he is still there is good for both of us. Thank you again for your wisdom. I hope that you are doing well yourself and have lots of support in real life from your friends and family. Take care.

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