First Anniversary

Hope your as okay as we can be in my thoughts Adele x

Had a few tears then went out with my friend it kept me occupied .
Christine x

1 Like

Sorry to hear that I hope some time with your friend was a little you time although we never feel whole when something so big is missing take care in my thoughts x

12 months ago tonight will be the last night I spent with my lovely husband Alan, tomorrow is the 12 month anniversary of his passing.

This time 12 months ago tomorrow I was waiting by his side for the doctor to come to certify his d***** still cant bring myself to say that word.

I’m collecting a bunch of red and white Rose’s presently from my friend’s florist shop, taking them to the chapel at the crematorium tomorrow, our son and daughter are coming with me, also Winston and Ada too. Then I’m coming back home and opening the penultimate bottle of champagne he bought me last year, saving the last one for the anniversary of his funeral.

The champagne is to celebrate his life, to honour his memory and my deepest love and respectfor him, we had our ups and downs as we all have had over the years, the love we had for each other and the love I still have for him has always overcome any disagreements we may have had over the years.

I love him more and more each day, I tell him every day and write it every time I write in my journal.

This month has been a huge nightmare to get through, I’ve relived every day from this time last year.

Thank you everyone for the support and compassion you’ve all given me whilst trying to cope with your own grief, I truly truly appreciate all of you and wouldn’t have got this far without your continued support. Thank you so much

Then come June, the year of anniversaries starts all over again.

Blessings
Jen☆

Jen, I have been reading your beautiful tribute to your Alan and I must admit it has brought tears to my eyes. I can so relate to your pain and crying with you…
This last week I have had our wedding anniversary and Brian’s birthday. At this time we would for years go to a Greek Island and walk and rock climb. He wanted me to go back and walk there again and remember him but I couldn’t, not yet anyway. So I walk locally and remember our times together.
I have taken the dogs off for a walk early this morning on the bus (just got back). I talk to Brian, tell him where we are. Include him as much as ever. Like you write to him and ask him to help me.
How I will get through the anniversary of his death is anyone’s guess. I think from September onwards when he started to deteriorate will be the start of my pain until November when he died.
I am thinking and praying for you Jen, If there is a God then I hope he listens to us. Because we need help.
Blessings Pat xxxx

1 Like

Today has finally arrived, as much as I try, I just cannot go to sleep, I’m wide awake and watching the clock, reliving every minute of Alan’s last hours on the rart plane.

I do feel a sense of calm and peace within my heart, can even sense peace within my soul. I never expected to feel like this at this time.

It doesn’t deflect from my loss or my deepest love for Alan and this could all turn on its head within a moment.

I was writing in my journal earlier and had a few thoughts back from him, shall write some more if I remain awake. It was 6.45 am when he drew his last breath, and fir a year I have been awake at that time every morning.

Blessings ☆
Jen☆

Morning,

I dozed off around 4am waking at exactly 6am, the time last year when our son and daughter left Alan and I alone his side room to tend to their animals.

I’ve relived every moment of Alan’s final hours since yesterday. From 6.15 until his passing at 6.45 I have been writing in my journal, when I do this ot brings him much closer to me.

I’m feeling very tearful as you can imagine, yet still feel at peace in my heart.

I had a one to one session with a friend who holds meditation classes. He came to our house on Tuesday evening, He’s also a support worker with our local Hospital Trust, we did some meditation exercises I talked about Alan and my feelings, my anxiety attacks, and a little more, he worked with me on my anxiety and by the time the session had come to an end I had an overwhelming feeling of peace, this feeling has remained with me since Tuesday evening and I’ve not had a single anxiety attack, this is why I feel peace in my heart. I’m very sad, heartbroken at losing Akan, upset and very tearful now I’ve reached the 12 month milestone yet feel peace and calm. Cant explain it any other way.

How today will develop I cannot say, how I will cope at the chapel I do not know.

I have a calmness around me, I can feel Alan’s arms holding and protecting me. It’ truly is an uplifting feeling.

I’ve still a long way to go, this enforced journey will still last for the rest of my days. I’ll still experience very bad days, skne not so bad days, and in time maybe some really good days. I have been on a self destruct rollercoaster, also a mammoth emotional rollercoaster, which no doubt I’ll ride many many times again.
For the present, I need all my strength to get through today then to get through 30th of this month, the anniversary of his funeral. Then as I have mentioned previously, the year of anniversaries begins once more.

Blessings ☆
Jen☆

Just a little spell of peace, just a little can go a long way. It’s the beginning of acceptance which can bring more peace. It’s all we ask, isn’t it. Peace! But at first it’s fleeting, and a year is not long in mourning. It’s good you can take flowers and be with him again if only in spirit. Only!! I find, as days pass, that my wife is there helping. I would be in a much worse state without her. She helped me for many years and she still does, in spirit. I know ‘spirit’ is not everyone’s way of expressing feelings, but it’s not religious, far from it. Inner feelings are so personal it’s difficult to put words to them, and when we do they are inadequate. How do you express such grief in any language? Yes, up and down; good days and not so good, but the peace you have found is not just a passing phase. Oh no, much more. “My peace I give unto you, not as the world gives give I unto you”. “The peace that passeth all understanding”.
I feel most of us may think that peace may never again exist for us. How can it when we are heartbroken. But it can. You have proved that. Meditation is difficult in bereavement because of the racing thoughts, but it can help a lot if possible. Perhaps for us in the West contemplation may be a better word. Without upsetting ourselves we may perhaps, contemplate our life with our loved ones and the joys and sorrows that we went through. Such love as we feel can never diminish or be lost. Never! Best wishes and Blessings.

Thank you Jonathan, so sorry for your loss.

I am a great believer in the spirit world, have been so since early childhood when I saw my grandfather shortly after he passed on my 4th birthday. Alan has been with me since he left the earth plane 12 months ago this morning.

I’ve has some very strong messages from him with the three most poignant ones only a couple of weeks ago during a visitation. It is comforting to know our loved ones are around us in spirit. We miss them terribly, they don’t miss us because they have never left. They’ve left their earthly form but continue to be by our side in their spirit form. As you say, sober find it strange yet many find it a hife comfort.

Your wife will always be by your side and will always be there to help and guide you. I know Alan is, he’s helped me many times over this past year.

I write in a journal every day, telling him about my.day, my feelings etc, the thoughts I get as I write are his responses, spirit can communicate through thought as well as leaving little subtle messages, moving things, Alan has even hidden things only for them to reappear moments later in the exact same spot I had searched several times over.

Sending blessings for strength to help you down the tough enforced road we now have to travel.

Jen☆

Went to the chapel this morning with our son and daughter, also Winston and Ada, I went into the remembrance room alone with some beautiful red and white roses, couldn’t place them all in the pots provided so brought the rest back home.

I was ok until I got to the door of the chapel, when I saw Alan’s name in the remembrance book I broke down sobbing my heart out, there was a chair and I sat there sobbing for over half an hour. Just seeing his name in the copperplate script along with my epitaph to him reduced be to a sobbing wreck.

Once I felt a little in control I went to meet up with our son and daughter who were walking around the cemetery with Winston and Ada. We left there and went to one if our local dog friendly pubs for some lunch, then came home. Felt it was fitting to go out for lunch rather than coming straight back home.

The remaining roses I’ve split between myself and our daughter, our son didn’t want any, he’s in the process of moving house. Mine are now sitting in the lounge window. Rather subdued now. I’ve opened the bottle of champagne to honour Alan’s memory and toast his life, on my second glass yet somehow struggling to drink it.

The peace I felt all warm and this morning has faded into the background and I’m left feeling distraught and right back where I was this time last year.

Jen☆

Thank you so much Pat, appreciate it☆
Blessings
Jen☆

Dear Jen
Feeling so sorry for you. Don’know what else to say

xx

Jonathan I do so like reading what you have to say. I find your words so helpful and so true.
Inner peace I think is coming back to me slowly, Oh so slowly, but I do appreciate those days when I can feel it along with a glimmer of light. I have been told that at these time your loved ones are with you helping you.
Peace from my surrounding come when I walk in the countryside, listen to the birds, look at the tree’s, admire the blue sky and cloud formations, stare at the views…
I take flowers to Brian. I can pick ones from his allotment. Just before he died he said he wanted a plot of flowers and already his plot is full of colour from the flowers that have come up with no help from me. I am adding more so that he will have that plot of flowers he wanted and I will pick and take them to him. My Brian is also with me, helping me in spirit. It gives me great comfort to feel him with me.
Pat xx

Thank you Trisha,

another anniversary,

A reminder that he’s no longer here and one I had to go through

Thank you again

Jen☆