First birthday of my dads death at 25

Hi everyone, I’ve posted before as tt_951 but can’t access my account so made this one.
Basic gist is my dad died infront of me on 21st December 2019 of a heart attack. I tried to perform CPR but there was nothing I could do. We couldnt afford a priest or anything so I had to open and close his funeral but I feel like it was a blur and I was so consumed by holding myself together for my mum and sister that I didn’t acknowledge he was behind me in a coffin and get to say goodbye properly.
This month is his first birthday without him but I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with it. I rarely talk about my emotions to do with his death unless I’m inebriated aside from that it’s bottled up and repressed. I’m having panic attacks in my sleep that are waking me up and I’m annoyed, agitated, irritable, argumentative and an all round horrible person to be around atm. It’s making my relationship suffer cos I can’t communicate with my partner and when I do he tries to comfort me and say it’ll be okay but it won’t be okay and that only annoys me more. I’m getting worse with the above mentions traits the further in to the month we go cos his birthday is at the end of the month and I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this :frowning:

Hi T,
Posting here is a good outlet.
You have trauma and shock still from seeing your dad.
I found that I needed to be alone to work out the emotions. My dad also passed suddenly from a cardiac arrest. I did my best to reduce my responsibilities so that I could grieve. I am 16 months down the line at this point.

Your partner doesn’t know what else to say. He is trying to be there which is really great.

You could start a journal. I keep one in the notes on my phone.

You could visit his grave and say some words, maybe give him something also - flowers or some object that reminds you of him and leave it there.

I am going to tell you 100% that this gets easier over time. You realize that you need to live your life. The shock scars over.

Warmly,
Ell

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Dear @TNasse1, I am so sorry you lost your dad and you miss him so much. The first birthday can be very difficult, and so it is understandable that you are quite upset about it. I am glad your partner is kind and caring, and is trying to help you, but it can be quite annoying when we feel that the other person doesn’t understand how difficult and life changing bereavement is for us.

It is good you have come to this place, because you mention that you can’t talk about your emotions to anyone, so maybe talking to people here will help. And there is always online bereavement counselling available too, for free, should you think that might help. Please keep posting whenever you feel you need to, and look after youself.

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Sorry to hear that you haven’t been able to access your old account. If you can email us at online.community@sueryder.org, we can try to get you back into your account. Or, we would have the option to merge the posts from your old account to this one so that you can keep using this one.

It’s preferable not to have two accounts, so do get in touch and I’ll do my best to sort things out one way or the other.

Thank you for your reply and I’m so sorry for your loss x

He is which makes me feel bad cos I’m so moody cos I don’t know what I expect him to say but just nothing is making it better or feels like it’s ‘enough’ which sounds awful to say.

I would visit his grave but he was cremated so he’s just in a box in my mums house cos no one can bring themselves to let him go I don’t think.

I hope you’re right and it gets easier x

Exactly I feel he doesn’t understand but he must do cos he lost his brother a few years ago but then again everyone deals with things differently. I shut off and kind of expect someone to force it out of me cos that’s how I feel like they care enough to really talk it through which obviously is wrong and only frustrates the other person more. I just wish I knew what I needed him to say/do to make it okay but there isn’t anything really… it is what it is.

I’ve thought about counselling but my degree is in psych and I just feel like I’ll know where they’re heading with it and it won’t work… maybe that’s just me being stubborn I don’t know :frowning:

Erm, yes, I can understand that if you have a degree in Psych, then you might feel as if you know everything that counsellor will say and that it will not help you, but I find that even if I know something, if someone else says it, it can have more of an effect, so maybe just talking to a counsellor might help you?

That’s true it might be worth giving it a go and see if it does help. I guess anything at this point will be a relief haha.

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Good luck, and hope things get better with your partner soon.

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Thank you, I hope so too.

Its tough, i’ve just had my mums birthday since her passing. the build up to it was worse than the day itself. my advice is to plan to do something. i put up the christmas tree and yes i was cranky as hell and very impatient to the point of foul mood but the build up to the day was spent mostly in tears.

As someone has already said counselling does help although you have a psychology degree and expect that you already know what they are going to say, when we are in the depths of grief and despair it takes us all our time to function day to day. I think you may be surprised.

I started counselling 4 months after my mum died as i knew that i wasn’t coping, i am single so don’t have anyone to turn to other than my sons who are also grieving. Therapy for me is a safe place for me to talk openly about anything and everything, i know i’m not being judged on what i say so feel that i’m not upsetting my sons who are trying their best, but my grief is mine alone and different to theirs. i lost my mum, they lost their grandma, i guess what i’m trying to say is they had a different relationship with her than me as such grief isn’t comparable. just like your grief is unique to you.

it has also been reassuring reading this thread that it will get easier, ive found for now that the grief is like a tsunami, sometimes it overwhelms me. this will be the first christmas and then in january the first anniversary of my mum leaving. life has changed beyond recognition but if i look back i can honestly say that some days are better than others but the first few months were the worst of my life

therapy is helping me there’s no doubt about it. i hope that you will look into it, id got to the point that i had nothing to lose. good luck

if i can help in anyway