First day back at work

I’m a self employed illustrator and I regularly sell at a artisan craft market in Leeds, and today was the first day back out selling. It was the first time without her in over 10 years and it was SO lonely without her.
I spent the last hour of the working day trying very hard to hold back the tears, I really am struggling to find the strength to keep going as every day is just a constant battle to cope.


Well done for getting out there and trying it! Hopefully the first time will have been the worst. Sending hugs

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I wish I could say that I feel so relieved about it, but I got home to an empty house and feel awful!
I had hoped that it would have done me good and wish I felt just a little better with the loss, but I feel worse than ever.

It is so hard - and you made a step forwards. We have to just keep plodding on, although finding a purpose to it all is so hard now.

Theres nothing worse than coming home after work to a empty house no one to tell how your as been … I lost my partner 7 weeks ago … I have started a new job since he passed which I hate and not having him here to talk to us the worst feeling xx

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Hi Derbybaz, and i am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can honestly say I know the same feelings your experiencing. It’s been 7 weeks today that I lost my wife and the grief seems to be ever growing, despite people’s opinion that time heals the wound. It just feels worse, especially after yesterday.

I had tried to think positive in that it was the first step in finding my way alone, but as soon as I came back to the empty house and not be able to share with her, it made me feel even worse.

I really dont have any words and no advise because I’m feeling the same the days are long and lonely even when surrounded with people … I gave brake downs at work but I dont no anyone so they dont have a clue … the nights are unbearable looking at 4 walls … let’s just hope that when people say it will get easier there telling us the truth … my partner was only 55 and one minute he was talking to me and the next hed gone … the image will never leave me I relive it every tuesday at 9.35 pm … big hugs to u

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Hi Chris, I’m so anxious about returning to work this week, the first since it all happened. (16 may, very suddenly). I know in the longterm I need some sort of routine but find everything in the outside world is getting back to normal and nothing will ever be normal for me again. Its so hard, my Jay was only 44, so much ahead of us and cruelly taken. Take care, sending hugs x

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I truly feel like screaming at people when I see friends getting back to their normal life as I am here by myself like it just happened today.
I always loved my routine, but it’s so hard to get going again.
And I do the same kind of thing - every Sunday at 5.52am, I relive that moment when my life came to an end.

We have to try and get on as best we can, but easier said than done. I really do take it day by day, hr by hr, but life will never be the same. Family and friends have your best interests at heart but unless you’ve experienced it they really have no idea xx

I just caught up with this thread, having started back at work last week. First of all my thoughts are with all of you. I had hoped work would feel a bit more normal (which it did) but the reminders are everywhere - from the kindness of others, through to my husband’s old emails in my inbox and his image in my head. I was shocked by how little ‘improved’ I felt. Trying to make sense of it, all I can say is this is all incredibly new and raw for all of us. It is 11 weeks today for me since I found my husband dead at the bottom of our stairs. A huge amount has passed since then. But after 26 years together, it is also nothing. A psychiatrist friend told me she would worry if I wasn’t feeling deeply sad and affected. So it is one foot in front of the other and not panicking when I feel I’m not fully up to the job. I’m not and that’s just part of it. Hope that helps. I think we just need to be very gentle with ourselves.

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Hi Chris4,
As I’ve said in previous posts on here, I lost my wife 4 weeks ago and Everything you and others say is so true and relevant , I’m so glad I came on this site, I was at the point of “nothing to lose” and am so glad that I did.
Maybe we can teach each other how to grow back to being more than half the person we are feeling at the mo… I hope/think we can,
No one knows this pain like we do…!

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So no sleep last night in anticipation of work today. The day was OK with my work family being very supportive but it did feel strange. Just waiting on the usual morning and lunchtime calls when we were on a break, the text messages saying on my way home, then home to an empty chair. I am physically and mentally exhausted, I just hope it gets better, yet another step in the normal world, but feel I’m living in a dream x

Feeling your pain Jenn23,
Me and sleep ain’t the best of buds at the minute,
Second day back today and had a total meltdown in front of everyone, ha…ahhh.
Had to go home early, some days…
New day tomorrow.

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I completely get all those little reminders/absences. I’m assuming it takes a long time for them to go away - and maybe I never want them to go away. First days/weeks back can also be overwhelming in terms of the levels of kindness showed by colleagues.

I worked from home for much of the past year with my husband, the most we’d been together in 26 years. I got to a certain point in the morning yesterday and realised he should have been behind me with a cup of tea (we took in turns). I could feel him there. I was chairing a meeting and it completely unnerved me. I did the same today and it felt a little less awful. I don’t think that’s linear progress, just a better moment. Wishing those for all of you.

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Hi JLiza,
It’s those little moments that get you…
The funeral directors,
The funeral,…Birthdays, you sort of ready yourself for those heartbreaking moments…knowing they will be tough, real tough and test you,
But the little day by day routines that you become accustomed too,
They hit hardest at the minute for me, no cup of tea there for me when I finish work,
Having to remember birthdays…when all I would have to do was write the card, ha…all done for me.
It’s not so much the extra workload that hits as in the things you took for granted…
Jeeeze…I’ve Never talked as much as I have about this since coming on here today…must be faceless therapy, Ha !

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I’ve found the site a godsend, there’s only so much I can talk about to family. Its great support knowing there are others out there that totally understand how you’re feeling. An old work colleague and very good friend of mine always used the mantra to take one day at a time, we were talking about this today. Sometimes its a few hours at a time. I just miss my Jay so much, like people have said its tihe little things that stand out. Life is so cruel at times, sending hugs to everyone xx

Hi Jenn23 and JLiza, thanks for being there…
Things re totally weird at the mo for me dunno if I need the Dr to give me sh!t…dunno if I will help, this pain though is physical not just emotional…this really hurts…
I’ve said before that work colleges of twenty f****g years shun me, cause they dinr know what to say …wtf…!
Sh!t this is the Hardest thing EVER that Ive gone through…