Hi. I’ve just joined the online support after a friend recommended l should. I had worked as a school administrator for 25 years and retired last April. My husband who was 8 years older than me retired 10 years ago. I was 60 last August and we were so looking forward to spending time together now enjoying life … going away, out for meals etc. Unfortunately my hubby was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus, liver, lungs, vertebrae and lymph nodes a couple of days after my 60th birthday. We had no warning and he had seemed absolutely fine until about 2 weeks prior to his diagnosis. He passed away less than 4 weeks later at the beginning of September. I feel lost despite having an amazing family and friends. I miss him so much and if anything l feel worse now than when he first passed away. Reality has set in and l feel so sad. Any help/advice would be really welcome. Thank you so much.
I am sorry for your loss. I am by no means any expert on anything, but one of the best things for me is what you did. The support I have received here and on other forums has helped me greatly. I come here to express my anger, write my feelings and vent when it is too much. I also write in notebooks since my loving wife died in March 2021, I am up to number 14 now. I needed and continue to need to get it out there so my broken brain/grief brain doesn’t explode. The best thing about these forums is that sadly nobody fully understands the pain except someone who has experienced the loss of a spouse. My loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly and I am still not fully grasping that even after a year. Grief is a personal journey and some may get to where they need to be sooner than others. People say things without realizing how it sounds when we are grieving and sometimes it can be hurtful even when it was meant to be helpful. We are here for you in the way strangers can be. Please keep coming back and chatting it may help you very much. Take care, John
Thanks John for those lovely words. I keep thinking that people will expect me to feel better than l do and I keep apologising for crying. I feel l cry so much now. Ian passed away in a hospice in the early hours of a Sunday morning and every Saturday night l keep reliving his last few hours… what l said to him etc. It’s so so hard and only someone who has been through it can truly understand. Thanks again Siân
My loving wife died on a Saturday and we always loved the weekends, now it is just a sad reminder that I am alone. I haven’t gone one day or night without crying, and sadly too many people have abandoned me because nobody likes seeing a 62 year old man crying. As I said everyone will grieve in their own way and that means friends and relatives as well. I constantly have many thoughts looping in my broken brain which causes many of the tears. Take care< john
I lost my wife Jan 7th this year, I have a loving ,caring family to help me, I have read a lot about Grief since then and everyone is different and people get comfort in many different ways, anything goes, if you get some sort of comfort from whatever, take it, don’t worry about what people think, as from what I have read it can be a long bumpy journey. I cry on and off every day, some more than others, and it just comes on with no warning, some days the pain is worse than other days, I hate night time coming round, the house is so empty then compared to other times of the day its a great forum because the only people that really understand are the people that have lost there partners. Take Care and keep reading these posts and venting your feelings whenever.Take Care x
Thank you both so much. This is helping already. So good to talk to people in the same situation. Makes such a difference xx
I am sorry for your loss and especially so recently too. You are correct about what the crying, I have many things that seem to trigger it and at the same time it just happens. Me, I haven’t had a good day since my loving wife died. I have bad days and worse days and really terrible days, but that is me. I hope that you do have some support to help you. Take care, John
Thank you. Like you if people ask l say I have bad days and not so bad days. I do have support from my two children, their partners and two granddaughters. They keep me going. I had one day a couple of weeks ago when the sun was shining and l was out walking my 4 month old granddaughter in the pram and for a split second l felt okish and not like crying. But it didn’t last for more than that split second. I do wonder if one day l will be able to look at photos and think of memories and feel happy not sad. I don’t know if that’s possible if you’ve loved someone xx
Sian1969, how can I relate to you, I too work in a school on the support staff I’ve been there 27 years due to retire in 20 months. My husband was 18 years older than me and had retired 11 years ago.
We were looking forward to a happy retirement, of being together and holidays in term time. It wasn’t to be. He had many health conditions and one day at the age of 81 his body gave up.
I do feel for you how life can be so cruel to cheat you just at that moment when you have you future mapped out.
In time you learn to adjust to life on your own, but the pain and sadness never goes it’s always in the background.
Love Debbie X
Many people I have chatted with say it has happened for them, they were able to move forward. I am at 13 months and all of the happy memories of our 35 years together just seem to turn sad. I don’t know if I will ever get there but hopefully many will. Take care, John
Thank you. People say remember the good times and all the memories you’ve made. Trouble is that makes me so sad as l know we can’t make any new memories. I have never felt so sad about anything before. Life is so different and so hard now. Sending love to everyone going through this horrendous time xx
Hi Sian, I am sorry you’ve found your way into our group, it’s a lovely group of some amazing people but obviously sad that any of us have to lose a loved one to be apart of it…
I think we don’t give ourselves enough credit, we’re stronger then we think… There will be days you think stuff it and don’t get out of bed… Days your eyes are so sore from crying… Days of not eating… Days you wish you were dead… Id say first 3, 4 months are the hardest in that area and after that it’s just the loneliness, sadness and now what kind of phase… I did so much research when my wife passed and although at the time it felt like the worse thing imaginable I read drowning yourself in the grief was the best way to go… I constantly read messages, listening to her voice, watched movies… And spent best part of 2 months numb in tears, then I realised I could do these things with a little smile knowing I had an amazing wife and life and it certainly helped me move forward… But each person is different…
This forum definitely helps, find someone you can connect with and just be there for each other through rough days.
You hang in there Sian, take care of yourself and I wish you the best of luck on the shitty journey through grief you’re now on… Sending hugs x
My heart goes out to you Sian. I retired at the end of August 2020 and my darling husband of 40 years died the following February with cancer.
He, like your husband had retired a few years earlier, but we had the same plans for our future together. Instead, I was left alone, broken hearted without him, so suddenly after just a couple of months of my retirement which was spent caring for him.
I totally understand you feeling lost, despite having amazing family & friends. Luckily I’m the same, but the grief, shock and utter sadness at losing our soul mate is very, very difficult to come to terms with (if we ever do).
It’s 14 months for me now, I have a routine etc but still miss him more than words will ever say.
I speak to him each & every day, I have many photo’s of him up around the house and kiss his photo each night before I go to sleep.
I’m so sad for you Sian, but please know that we feel your pain and totally understand.
Keep reading and writing on this site.
Take care and be very gentle with yourself.
Love, Janey xx
You will get a lot of help from this forum. As other people have said only the people who are going through it truly understand.
My husband was 10 years older than me and only had a short time of retirement before cancer came along. I left work to look after him but now I’m left at 61 having to wait 6 years for my pension.
Don’t feel under pressure by people to feel better, it’s a long process to get through. You do what gives you comfort and do it in your own time.
Take care xx
My husband was 14 years older than me. We had nine months together before he died of cardiac arrest. I am 59. I feel so sad that we had so little time together. I was walking the dog today and the tears came from nowhere today. I’d been feeling a little better but suddenly wham. I feel like it was yesterday. It’s the sadness. I feel so sad inside. People think we are okay because they see us walking around. I feel so sad and wonder if I will ever feel any different x
I am so very sorry for your husband passing away, your photo together shows pure love for each other, Beutifull photo so happy, I’m not going to say to much,but please accept my and I’m struggling with my own grief,but I saw yours, please note that you are not alone here,we are all here for eachother on our lonely journey, Existing Not living, Sue Ryder is a wonderful website as you know, known all over the world,we will all help you as we do thousands of others,lots of and Martin xx xx
I can fully understand your intense shock.I had been with Malcolm for 39years.He was always fit and well but started to get a little breathless,he spoke to his GP who hadn’t examined him as it was a telephone appointment.The GP said it wasn’t important but still prescribed medication which arrived that day.Two days later Malcolm died,I know he hadn’t had a diagnosis of Cancer like your husband but the fact that we both thought our partners seemed so for and well and died unexpectedly leads to terrible anguish and shock.x