First thoughts on waking

Does anyone else have this problem? The minute I wake up, depression takes over and I wish that I had passed away during the night. It is over 4 months since my husband died and instead of moving forward, I am going back. All I want to do is to join him as soon as possible. As I am 86 the chances are that I won’t have to endure this for much longer. The loneliness is unbearable and as I live in a Retirement flat where pets aren’t allowed, I can’t get a cat for company. I would never take my own life as my lovely family are still grieving for their Dad, and it would be a terrible thing to do to them. I don’t drink, which is a good thing. I do go out as much as possible and have joined a knitting club but I really need a good counsellor. I cannot even get to speak to an advisor at Cruse, and others have long waiting lists. When I read the sad stories on here, I realize that I am not alone, and some of you are worse off than I. At least I had 66 years of being married to Bill, but his death has torn me apart and I don’t know where to go from here. Eileen

2 Likes

Eileen - I’m really sorry to read of your devastating loss and anguish. I lost my Husband a year ago. I was 51. Yes, I absolutely agree, the mornings are horrific and I often say maybe I could pass away in my sleep too because to wake and wonder how to get through the next 24 hours is often a torment. Not only do you wake with a heavy heart emotionally, it also feels like you have a 5 stone weight on your chest. I feel I have gone backwards. I’m sure many bereaved feel that way at some point. I’m unsure if it’s because I’m unable to “move forward” or I’m unwilling to do so. It’s such a shame you are unable to have a pet. I’m thinking the rule relates to all living creatures where you live, not just cats/dogs… In some parts of the UK you can refer yourself to an NHS counsellor but they are not grief specialists so I don’t know if this would help. Do you have a sympathetic GP that you can speak with? Someone preferably old enough to have a bit of life experience and empathy because sadly not all GP’s know how to interact with bereaved patients that well. You have done remarkably well to get through four months without giving into the temptation of isolating yourself alone at home. I know it’s no help at all but I’m sending compassionate thoughts to you and warmest regards.

Thank you for your reply, Tina. Your husband was very young, and I send you my condolences on your loss. My husband was 87 which is a good age, and as I am 86 it was only to be expected that one of us would be left alone sooner rather than later. He relied on me for such a lot that I suppose it was best that he went first. It’s this awful loneliness I can’t seem to deal with. We were always together and I still look around to see where he is. I wish I knew of some magic which would make everything all right for me and all the other grieving people out there. It’s good to be able to chat on this site though. My GP is very young and I am having to sign up at another practice because I have recently moved, so I may be lucky to find an older doctor who can help. We are allowed birds here but I am not keen on caged birds so have discounted that idea. Anyway, keep in touch and I hope you will soon feel a bit better. Best wishes, Eileen

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss Eileen. The reason I am on this board is I lost my mum a few days ago, unexpectedly and still feel so numb about it all. I know when my mother who had been with my Dad for almost as long as your marriage was left without him, she felt as you do. She talked to me about it a lot. She lived in a retirement flat too and I dont know why but she asked if she could get a cat and they said she could if she paid a small fee, I havent got a clue what it was for, but anyway she got a rescue cat, an older house cat. It did help her a lot, gave her something to care for and some company. best wishes

So sorry you have just lost your Mum, Alicia. I am going to ask if I can get a rescued house cat although I doubt whether they will allow me to. Just to have something alive and breathing would help, and I love cats anyway. Here’s hoping. I remember losing my Mum and Dad many years ago, and I still miss them. I have also lost 8 brothers and a sister, but nothing was as bad as the way I feel right now. Take care. Eileen

I hope they allow you to have a cat Eileen, you could just sneak it in!! I love cats too, mine is called Harry and is such a lovely thing, so I do know how you feel it would help. I think animals do help, they seem to sense when we are sad. I can understand how you feel, to lose your husband after so long is devastating and when you are feeling so vulnerable you have to get used to a different lifestyle and how sad to have lost your siblings. Life can be so unbearably hard. Do you have a communal room at your retirement place, my mum forced herself to go to it and eventually enjoyed the couple of hours she had in the afternoon with other residents. I think its still unreal for me at the moment that I wont be able to talk to her again, that is the hardest thing, the finality of it all. Keep in touch hope you have good news about the cat, fingers crossed. take care alicia

Hello Eileen and others in this chat. I just discovered this forum, looking to see if I was alone in having unbearable grief that doesn’t fade, and I can so relate to your post. My husband had a stroke while we were on holiday last Christmas and died abroad 18 days later. I don’t know if I’d call it depression or loneliness, it’s just raw pain that hardly ever goes away from when I wake in the morning. I did see a counsellor at my GP, and he was lovely, so I understand that grieving isn’t formulaic; there’s no timetable. I’ve even thrown away the list of ‘stages’. The counsellor helped in the sense that I couldn’t or didn’t want to talk to anyone else, but I didn’t ‘move on’. I can’t seem to. I know my husband would want me to, I know I want to be a grandma to my grandkids, I know I should get back to the work we did together. But my world has stood still, day after day. I understand how you feel about caged birds, but if you are not allowed a cat, I wonder about a male budgie in a very large cage. If ‘adopted’ when they are very young, they can develop an affectionate relationship. They love to be preened (scratched as you would a dog or cat) and spoken to and they respond, at least in my distant experience. They can be trained to perch on your finger and so let out and return to their cage. It’s not like a canary that just sits and sings. It isn’t a life in the wild, but then no pet is. Just a thought, but I understand it has to be something that feels right for you. All the best, Rosie

Thank you for your message, Rosie. I have come to the conclusion that loneliness is one of the worst parts of grieving. I miss my husband so much, and sitting in an empty flat without him is just heartbreaking. On the other hand, had he survived the accident, he would have been left a cabbage in a wheelchair, so why can’t I feel glad that his suffering was ended peacefully?
Living, as I do, in a retirement flat, can add to the loneliness but I have no other choice at the moment. All we can do is to hope that, in time, our grief will lessen and we can find some purpose in life once more. Best wishes, Eileen

Dear Lonely, thank you for your message, and how sad to read about your friend’s son. I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose one of your children. At least I had 66 years with my husband, and at our ages, it was inevitable that one of us would be left alone sooner or later. It doesn’t make it any easier to bear the loneliness, which is a big problem for me, although I am lucky to have family not too far away. But they have gone back to leading their very busy lives, which is how it should be. I would never take my own life but often wish I could go to sleep and not wake up to face another day. Best wishes, Eileen

Dear Sheila, thank you for your reply to my posting. You have put into words everything I feel, and more. It’s very sad when we don’t really want to wake up and face yet another lonely day without our loved one. I do try to be positive but it is very difficult on times. I have even tried thinking back to some of the less happy side to our long marriage but that doesn’t work because it was mostly fine. We met in 1949 when Bill was doing his National Service in the R,A.F and I was in the W,R.A.F on the same station. We married in 1951, had 2 daughters and then 2 sons. I now have 14 Grandchildren and 6 Great-Grandchildren. You would think that, with a family of that size, I would never be lonely but apart from one son and his wife, who are trying to help, I don’t see any of them. What I am afraid of is that, sooner or later I will become full of self-pity. It would be very easy to do that. All I can think of at the moment is how to get through Christmas. Once that is over, and we can look forward to spring, I hope we will all begin to feel a little better. Writing on here is a great help because we are all in the same boat and can relate to the feelings of others. Best wishes. Eilee