Five weeks in.

I’m five weeks in, the funeral is over and I’m more lost than ever. Before the funeral there was plenty to do for him, arrangements to make and we could go and sit with him in the Chapel of rest. Now it’s all over and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. This is the start of life without him and I don’t want it :broken_heart:
I’ll be sitting in a room with other people and I feel vacant. I have no interest in anything or anyone. I just want him and I know that is never going to happen. I try and tell myself that I’m not even 40 yet. I could go on for another 40 years although I really hope I don’t. I’m miss him so much.

I was thinking this morning how lucky he was to be loved by us all right up till he died. He’ll never know the heartbreak or loneliness that I’m feeling now. I know I have to go on, I don’t want to but what choice do I have? I see some people on here still struggling 18 months on and that fills me with dread :sob:

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Hi Lostlil. I’m 3 weeks on this journey and feel much the same. Before the funeral there was so much to do but now I feel I don’t belong anywhere. Everything just reminds me of what I no longer have. I don’t see any kind of meaningful future

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Yes it’s soo hard. Is this life now? Just plodding on for the sake of plodding on? Ah I don’t know. I just don’t know anything anymore :broken_heart:

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@LostLil
I found it hard after the funeral, it was final, there was no way he could come back to me now. I thought I would have felt different, closure but actually I felt worse for a while because it was definitely the end of everything we would have together.

Now at week 12 today, I have a semi normal life. I’m on phased return to work and find that beneficial, less time to think. I can go out and go visiting places. It’s not perfect but it’s a start.

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I go back to work the first week in May. I have to try. I’m hoping it will provide a distraction and it will make me get out of bed at least :disappointed: Everything seems really pointless right now so I hope when the time comes I actually do get out of bed and go and not just think sod it :disappointed:

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@LostLil
Well done. It might be what you need to start the process of survival. If it isn’t, you can always go back to your GP and get signed off. Might be worth seeking a councillor, to talk to. I’ve had a councillor since week 1, I’ve found it helpful. Now only chat once a month.

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Start the process of survival. That’s exactly what it feels like too but without anything worth surviving for.

I haven’t been to my GP for anything or spoken to a councillor yet. I find this site really helps. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk about it with people who are going through the same thing x

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I’m coming up 4 weeks. His funeral is Wednesday and to be honest, the only think that has kept me here up to this point is wanting to do him justice at his funeral. I honestly cannot see me having a reason to carry on after that is done. I feel like I’ve lost everything i can’t do another 40 or so years without him

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@LostLil & @Dizzapea
I remember well the feeling that there was no point to life any more. It’s a completely normal reaction to this terrible loss. Given more time trudging through each day, I began to realise that I had to make this life have a reason as it wasn’t going to go away.

I began to regain some of my determination to look after what my Richard had left behind. He looked after the house, the garden and the farmland so well I had to try and do my best to not let his life’s work be for nothing. I still find it exhausting trying to keep up with it as well as the chores I did before and trying to help my daughter become independent but there is certainly purpose to it.

We are all different in our situations but I believe we all need purpose in life and only each one of us can decide what that could be for ourselves. It will also take time to even have the energy to think about it so be kind to yourselves and don’t expect too much. Grief is exhausting so rest is important too.

Sending love
Karen xxx

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I know just how you are feeling Lost John suddenly ,i found him when i returned from work.,he was only 62 i planned on growing old with him ,now i have 20 ish years on my own .His son is amazing and i know he is there for me but i just want him back ,i still have the funeral to take place May 9 Big hug being sent to you x

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I felt the same once the paper work and funeral had been finished i had nothing to focus on, awaiting the return of the ashes was the only thing i was waiting for. Now Jane is back at home the emptiness and loneliness has really started, waking up wishing i had passed in my sleep and looking forward to bed time so i can escape this nightmare while i try and sleep. Have another 2 weeks of work and im dreading going back as i just dont feel like me anymore. I so wish we had an off button that we could press to end this misery and pain

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I’m so sorry for your loss :broken_heart:
It’s helpful to have people around sometimes but honestly the only person I want is him. I just want to have a hug and a chat with him. I know thats impossible though.

Do you find the fact that you didn’t get any goodbye makes it worse? I’m finding it really hard and keep questioning our entire time together because of it and I know that’s absolutely ridiculous but my brain is not in a good place :confused:

I hope you’re coping OK with the funeral arrangements and that you have help, thankfully his family helped massively with everything. I really couldn’t have done it on my own. I well and truly buried my head in the sand :broken_heart:

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I’m really not ready to have his ashes yet :broken_heart: I don’t know what it is about ashes but I can’t even bear to think of my OH as ashes. Just over five weeks ago he was alive and well and now he’s ash :broken_heart: His cremation was Friday so I’m not sure how long after they will be ready but I can’t even think about it yet :sob:

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Its a very surreal moment collecting the ashes, i had to wait 2 weeks before i could collect them but that was because i was awaiting delivery of the urn.
I keep looking at photos of our holiday in spain and even now 10 weeks in i cant get my head around the fact Jane has gone from having a good time on holiday to now sitting in an urn.
Im glad the ashes are back at home as it feels like jane is here again. Ive cuddled the urn whilst sobbing my heart out, i say morning and goodnight to jane and always looking at her urn.
Me and jane loved collecting skulls so i know she will be happy sitting amongst them

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Haha, love them :heart:
I know, I’m still struggling to get my head around my OH passing as well. How can someone you love so much just be gone forever. It’s absolutely horrendous. It’s just shocking how our lives can literally be ripped apart in a matter of minutes with no warning. This is something that you see happening to other people but you never think for a minute it will happen to you :sob:

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I’m
Almost 5 weeks In & feel exactly the same. It’s just the worst worst pain & emptiness EVER :broken_heart::broken_heart::sleepy: xxx

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Thats exactly what i said to my mum, i said this is what happens to other people or you hear someone saying about it and you think poor people having to go through it. But now its me going through this and i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I cant imagine a future without jane in it, i just want to be by her side again where i belong, im only 53 so now im destined to wait every day alone until i pass, its a very dark life at the moment and i can only see it getting darker in the future alone

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Do you think you will ever date again?
I’m 38, I met my OH when I was 21. I really can’t imagine ever being with anyone else. We were so alike. We enjoyed doing the same things, found the same things funny, he’s the only person in the world that I could put up with for long periods of time :rofl: It was just easy with him. I’m annoyed that he worked so hard and that he worked so hard on our home and garden and now he’s not here to enjoy it. He deserved more from life than what he got.

One thing I did think about this morning was how lucky he was to be loved by me and his family right up to the day he died unexpectedly. He’ll never know the heartbreak and loneliness that I’m feeling now. He had no idea he was going to die anytime soon so he didn’t really have any worries in the world. In a way it was exactly how he said he’d want to go, sudden and quick. Way too soon but probably how he would have chose to go. It’s just the people who are left behind who have to suffer :broken_heart::sob:

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I’m so very sorry for your loss and I hear & feel everything you say. I’m 53 & Bry was 58. I just cannot imagine life without him in it .

How can you go from a normal night watching TV to speaking to him in bed 3 hours before then waking up to find him gone in the bathroom?!?

This just feels like it isn’t real life ?! I don’t get it, and I feel like people think nearly 5 weeks in I should be feeling better and trying to ‘make changes’ as that’s the only way it will get better ?! They are probably right but at this minute I want to scream T them “ YOU HAVE NO IDEA”

I’m broken, lost, sad, angry , scared, feel guilty.

I’m just here in ‘the line’ waiting ti be reunited with my gorgeous Bry :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:

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:sleepy::broken_heart::sleepy::broken_heart::sleepy::broken_heart::sleepy::broken_heart:xxx