Five weeks since Mum passed and I'm not coping

Hello…

My mum passed away at the end of February. She was not in the best of health and after a downward slide she was admitted to hospital a week before her death and we were advised she had kidney failure and the end was near… She was moved to a hospice for her last few hours as the nhs ward was not a dignified place for my mum to pass away. The hospice and her care was perfect and I have taken great comfort in that and that although she was only 68 she had suffered enough…

I am an only child and my parents were together for nearly 50 years…I feel that after the first month of coping and dealing with things , now I am not… I feel like a pressure cooker about to go off and I need some space although I cannot get any due to work commitments and family life. My Dad is relying on me so much and I am stretched in so many directions…As is normal only the closest to us know what’s going on and for outsiders it was weeks ago that she passed…I am trying to keep going but feel ill and stressed out

I don’t want to see the doctor as I hate the thought of anti depressants… is there anyone with advice for me. It is still early days I know but I’m concerned I’ll lose it…

Thankyou X

Hi Julie im very sorry for your loss Not all antide pressants are addic itive .I find them helpful for me they make me feel calmer but still aware of reality .Idont work and being honest i dont see a downside to taking them .If live cant keep me calm ill take all the help i can get from my docs.Im completely alone i live in my own nightmare with no one to emotionally lean on (apart from this site .So if tablets are a no go try take come me time treat yourself give your brain and heart a rest ie watch a dvd goe to the cinema .Because your nightmare will still be therewhen you return to reality.Theres the Samaritians there 247 (i use them to offload at times )Facing reality all the time you may lose it soner rather than later you need time out from reality Colin (im 57 my wife was 41 she passed on her birthday 04032016)

Hi Julie - It has been 3 months since my mums death and I also feel I am not coping very well . Mum was 80 and had a great life and a good death with a short spell in hospital with Cancer. I don’t know about you but I do not want to socialise I am getting angry a lot am not sleeping and suffering with anxiety too but also do not want to go down the medication route. I did have a week off work after a month - I had a chest infection so doctor used that as the reason but it was more stress related - people tell me it is all normal but it is not my normal I was such a happy sociable person and if it were not for my hubby I would be a recluse. I cry at the drop of a hat and am just hating the way I am feeling. I am also supporting step dad which is not easy .I did a meditation class which has helped and the teacher also made me realise that you sometimes have to say no to others and take care of you - this includes work. There is no shame in telling people how you feel too. I am at the point of considering counselling as I think there is more to my feelings than just losing mum as I think I was prepared for that. Hope you are feeling better soon

Hi Julie
My Mum died 6 months ago and it is just beginnning to feel easier to cope day to day although it still hurts lots and I miss her every day. I was grieving the first 2 months but was sort of coping as there were things that needed to be done like arranging her funeral and telling everyone. Immediately after I’d buried her ashes I fell apart. it really ‘hit’ me that she’s no longer here and I felt completely out of control like I’d never experienced before. It felt like a deep depression but without the associated negative thoughts and felt a scary place to be in. I realise that, for me, this was intense grief. It was like that for 2-3 weeks although I have found it difficult and not been fully functioning for most of the last 6 months. I cried daily although in the last month it’s eased. I know a few others who’ve lost loved ones and seemed to have coped well and I have repeated questioned if it’s normal to experience this for so long but I decided that I would just accept however I am and let thing take as long as they take. What’s enabled me to get through has been a) friends helping me deal with the practical things that need to be done especially when I felt unable to do things
b) probably as, if not more, important was that the hospice offered me 1-2-1 bereavement support. I’d never have considered taking to a stranger before but it has provided me with a space to talk about Mum, our relationship, what’s happened, how I’m coping/not coping etc but mostly I’ve just cried for an hour each week for 12 weeks. Before Mum died I wouldn’t have considered myself an emotional person and definitely wouldn’t have cried in front of someone. It’s helped me to keep going and as of the last 2 weeks I’m suddenly feeling better although I’m still miss Mum and feel upset about that but it’s manageable now!

I’d like to reassure you that it’s not unusual to find things difficult when you’ve lost your Mum (especially so recently) and although it’s hard it will eventually get easier than at the moment. I know you must be in a really tough place at the moment but I would advocate trying to get the support of others in some way to help.

Hope that you can find your way through the grieving process and find ways to be kind and nurture yourself at this difficult time.

x

Hi Juliewoo

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your Mum. It is still very early days for you so don’t worry about anything that you are feeling. I went into shock after my Mum died eight months ago which lasted for a long time. Yes you have to do the necessary things at first but after the funeral reality kicks in and to be frank it is just foul.

I am glad your Mum had such good care in the hospice, yes a NHS ward is not the place for anyone their last few days. My Mum wanted to go home and she did. It was very difficult coping but I don’t regret it for a second.

I agree with you about antidepressants but they really do work for some people. If you see your doctor and explain your concerns they will understand, might be something weak just to help you for a couple of weeks will do the trick. Don’t suffer alone though. You mention your Dad and other family commitments but don’t forget to be kind to yourself too. Even a few minutes a day to yourself helps. A bath and lock the door so no one can bother you is a good one. You can have a good cry with no one hassling you if you want to. I did this a lot at first!

Do know you have plenty of friends on here to talk to and give advice. Also very happy to receive PMs as well.

You care lots of care of yourself

Mel.

Thankyou so much for taking the time to respond …I too am so sorry for your loss …I cannot imagine the pain you are in … I think I will take a trip to the doctor as it may be that a short course will help me … I feel like I need a day away to myself so I will do that too soon I think …

Thanks Cathy … I’m thinking that saying no to things is a good call . By nature I’m a people pleaser
And like you normally very happy… I’ve just got what feels are limited reserves of emotion at the moment so I’ve recognised I need some down time… I hope you feel better soon and it was nice to read you felt your mum had a good death … I know exactly what you mean and it is such a comfort to me as I hope it is to you …

Dear Joan

Thankyou for your kind words and I’m pleased you are feeling a little less desperate … you are right … there is no wrong or right way to grieve and I have to restore myself as much as I can . I am blessed with great friends and a lovely hubby but I feel like the one person who could help me … my mum is unable to . I will try to talk to her I think in my mind … if not I will contact the hospice and find out if that’s for me too …

Thanks Mel … this group is amazing and I hope I can be of support to others … my friends who have been in the same boat are very understanding… the work the hospice did was truly wonderful. Mum was so frail they were worried she might not survive the journey to there but she did bless her … I been so busy that I think now I’m trying to keep A lid on the emotions that were suppressed by the business of the first few days … I feel like I need a good cry but it’s not coming . I hope you are feeling better … it’s a case of the good days outweighing the bad ones I suspect.

Thanks Mel … this group is amazing and I hope I can be of support to others … my friends who have been in the same boat are very understanding… the work the hospice did was truly wonderful. Mum was so frail they were worried she might not survive the journey to there but she did bless her … I been so busy that I think now I’m trying to keep A lid on the emotions that were suppressed by the business of the first few days … I feel like I need a good cry but it’s not coming . I hope you are feeling better … it’s a case of the good days outweighing the bad ones I suspect.

Hi Joan
It was reassuring to read that someone else has taken a long time to get some sort of normality back - I feel like I am a different person since I lost my Mum in December just before Xmas. Angry impatient and intolerant and that is not who I was or want to be. I have been considering talking to someone outside the family - I have amazing sister and husband that I can talk to but I find some of the things I am experiencing a bit scary and crazy to be honest and I do not want to frighten them. I am suffering random anxiety attacks at least I think that’s what they are - increased pulse rate, sweating and fearful feelings. I am 57 been thro menopause which is similar (without the fear) I do not know who to turn to to talk to which is why I just joined this group . I also cry almost daily although not every day. My Mum lived In Kent and I am in Devon but we saw each other at least 4/5 times a year and I spoke to her two or three times a week - Two or three times a day after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She needed it and so did I . She was so brave and I try to be strong for her as I know she would not want me sad or angry but I am. I might try Cruse as Mum did not have hospice care and not sure who else to turn to. Thought about Samaritans but they are not specialists in grief- I used to be one so I know they are good listeners but feel I need more than that.
It does help to know that I am not alone though so thanks for sharing your experience.

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