Five years on

Hi Reading the heart wrenching stories makes me realise just how many people are trying to cope with grief. I have been without my husband for five years. His death was horrendous in that he had been through some illness for a while and had come through it with much more bravery and positivity than I can have. At the time of his death I had been very ill and was in hospital having my second operation. He was brought in on the night previous to my op and I was not told this was I am sure for my own good as I would have refused to have it if I had known. After my op I tried to phone him and got no answer and felt so ill and blamed him for not phoning me. Then told he was in same hospital. They got me out of bed and took me to him they had told me that either they could operate but there was only a very very small chance of saving him. When I saw him he wanted to try the op and had been given drugs for the pain and I was also on dtong pain relief. Before they took him away I didn’t say the things I wanted to say and later they came to my bed and said he was not going to make it and so I was taken to his bed in a wheelchair whee I sat until he died. The second he left I knew he was gone. I was supposed to have another bigger op after a few days but refused so I could have a funeral. My later op was long and hard and nearly killed me and I was off work over six months. I still gave some physical issues but still work as I have to. They say grief gets easier but I am afraid it doesn’t. This lockdown is normal for me as apart from work I don’t see anyone and have no family . Before all this I had faith and a belief in the afterlife and for a while after this remained but now I am afraid that I don’t believe anymore it’s funny really as the thing that would give me comfort by knowing he still exists some where in some way has gone. I would go through the illness I had a thousand times if Icould just tell him I love him. We loved to travel and lived for our holidays it’s all we ever saved for. I still travel when I can and this lockdown has of course meant I can’t. I know it seems frivolous in these times but was a way of coping. Please forgive me for going on like this just had to let it out.

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Hi. Bell. Forgive you for what? This site is all about unloading and knowing there will be no judgement or criticism. Five years may seem a long time to some, but it may seem like only yesterday to you. You have been through so much physical and emotional pain, but you must be a stronger lady than you think because you are here talking to us.
Our faith can take hard knock when this happens. I lost mine at first, but it has returned because I realise no one is to blame. We take on these problems in this life from the moment of birth. What happens is life being life.
This is not just being philosophical but a fact. I believe our consciousness survives death. The ‘essence’, or personality goes on. But here we may enter the world of religion which may not be helpful to many.
I used to go out in the mornings for coffee to my favourite cafe, but that stopped and I m fed up with being isolated. We can go out but where to?
Like everything it will all pass and be like a passing nightmare.
Take care of yourself. Blessings. John.

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Hi John Thank you for your words . I am hoping that I can somehow try to feel better. I don’t hope really for happiness but contentment and to feel there is hope would be good. My story is a lot longer than my post in terms of having lost all my family and sometimes I just wonder how much a person can take. I also think that maybe lockdown has affected me more than I though. I am always isolated anyway except for work where at least I do have some conversations. I can’t actually remember the last time I actually had a conversation with someone. I try to keep busy and talk to my dog but although I find work hard going with the issue I have perhaps I will feel better when and if I go back. Take care

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