I lost my mum on March 17th 2025. I’ve been having memory flashbacks, she had spine cancer and I was there with her at the very end. She passed not even 2 weeks later after we got her diagnosis. I’m having memory flashbacks occassionally, but more frequently over the last couple of weeks, sad moments and things she said, couldn’t say etc.
I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this and if it’s normal and how do you handle these moments?
I think they have probably become more frequent because her birthday is coming up and it’s getting close to the anniversary.
I’m so sorry for the loss of you mum, @BeeBop. Thank you for so bravely reaching out.
Many of our members have experienced these kind of flashbacks, particularly in the early days of grief. You are not alone. Hopefully someone will be along to share their thoughts.
Just read your post and wanted to say I have experienced the same as you. I am not sure if it is normal because I don’t really know what normal is anymore. I do know that every emotion possible is experienced when grieving and that we just have to try to get through each emotion somehow.
After 3 yrs I still have flashbacks and go through terribly sad moments when i think of things she said and things she said to me personally . Especially when she thanked me for looking after her and all those private moments. It is so hard. I think I will always remember them as they were so so personal.I remember trying now to cry when she said certain things. Only because I didnt want her to see me upset and I didnt want to in turn make her upset. So thats another reason I think I cry so much when i remember certain things. It was all the most traumatic time of my life going through seeing and caring for my mum at the end of life stage.
I have learnt that allowing myself to cry and not to hold the tears back is the best way. Bottling things up didnt work as sooner or later the crying has to come out. Certainly when an anniversary or any trigger occurs the flashbacks are worse. I try to do something in remembrance of my mum on any special days .
Your experience of looking after your Mum at end of life resonates with me @seychelles We did the same when the doctors told us there was nothing more that could be done for my Mum. She came home as that was her choice. We had an excellent team of carers and district nurses who gave her dignity and kept her comfortable right up until the end, but the experience was a mixture of trauma and tears for us, comfort and at times laughter which sounds bizarre, but she said and did some typical Mum things that made us laugh at the time. We had a couple of nights around her bed when we had a reminisce about the fun times that we had and she did say before she passed ‘Didn’t we have fun?’
Given the choice we would do it all over again, but now, 6 weeks on and we are trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. She was at the core of us all and always will be, but its so hard to carry on without her. This is the worst time of my entire life and when those memories hit at the moment, they leave me crushed and barely able to function.
@Kermit you have just described exactly what has happened and is happening to me. Thank you for sharing because it makes me feel less alone. Like you I 100% would do it again to have my mother home for her last few weeks and I had wonderful carers and fun even at her bedside right till the end. She also said and did some incredibly typical mother things too such as saying hurry up when we were doing things she didn’t particularly like.! But I will never forget spending most of every night in a chair within earshot, finally going to bed at around four in the morning and then coming in at about 8 o’clock hoping that she was still alive. She too was the absolute centre of our family and I had lived with her most of my life. Today I was in her home (I had her at mine for her final illness because that’s where she was when it struck) and I have been completely finished off by seeing all her things laid out in her bedroom as if she was going to come back tomorrow. This is awful, awful awful . And yet we still have to carry on because that is what our mothers would expect of us. So it’s one step at a time be kind to ourselves and keep on going.
Yes - absolutely this @Tryingtokeepgoing I too spent nights in the chair next to Mum to sometimes 4 in the morning, I then had to go home and feed the cat and make sure she was alright before having a brief kip myself and coming back to my parents. We fell into a routine without really discussing it - my sisters with her overnight, Dad upstairs until he came down at about 3 or 4 to sit with her as well. She was with us for just over a week and at no point was she ever on her own.
Those objects of theirs are the worse to see. I went to pieces after seeing her comb on the coffee table just after she passed. I used to cut her hair and used that comb - she used it every morning. There are so many reminders of her at the house - Dad has put some things away in a drawer, so that we don’t get upset but at the same time, we would never get rid of them. One day we will open the box, but not right now.
Sending you all the love and strength - one day at a time chick xx
I would do it all again in a heart beat too and it was a privilege to care for her. I am 3 years on and still trying to pick up the pieces of what I call my new life. And a new life that I didn’t want.
My mum was in hospital for 3 weeks then came home as it was her wish. I slept on the hospital chair next to her bed for the 3 weeks until I finally persuaded them to let me take her home.. Didnt move ! Then on the settee alongside her bed. Had 3 sets of carers daily when she came home, 2 visits by 2 district nurses daily and the weekly visit from the palliative care nurse. So on top of caring and trying to spend vital quality time with mum I also found myself jusggling everything around all teh people coming in and out of the house. They were all lovely and we had the best care from them all for mum but it was still difficut to cope with . I remember thinking no matter how worse mum got that I still had her. I am not sure if that was how I should have felt but as long as she was in the bed I felt safe. I was dreading the moment she would pass so was too scared to even sleep. And I can still remenber every minute almost of the night that it happened.
I had to sell her house but didnt do so for 18months as I still needed to go there . But when I was there it was so painful. As Tryingtokeepgoing said seeing all her things in her house was extremely traumatic and it took me months to actually clear her house. I could only do it by doing one room at a time. Clearly the wardrobes and draws first so the rooms still looked normal. Then one room at a time starting upstairs so downstairs looked normal and so on.
Thats all I can say is take things slowly, small steps and after getting yourself stronger ( which will take a long time ) plan to restart your life somehow. But go gently on yourself. There will always be triggers and painful memories to get through but somehow we have to carry on.
Thinking of you all on here and sending everyone strength to carry on
It’s my mum ‘s birthday on the 9th of February and then one year anniversary on the 17th March. It was also my Dad’s birthday on the 22nd January. (He passed away 2 years before my mum.) Sadly I didn’t get to see him before he died and I feel huge guilt about that!
He had dementia and didn’t remember my brother or mum. He held on for a week in hospital before he passed away.
I left it too late.
I guess I have all these things on my mind at the same time.
I’m planning to buy something in my mum and dad’s memory, a bracelet, something I can wear.
There’s something very different about losing your Parents and it’s a very different kind of grief for me!
A piece of jewellery is a wonderful personal gift to remember your mum and dad. When my mum passed I bought a Clogau Gold forget me knot necklace and earrings. As we are Welsh it seemed so appropriate. It’s extremely special to me.
Hiya, I’m earlier in the grief journey but just wanted to let you know I get this too. I expected it for some things - music my mam liked, her favourite flowers - but there are random things that just pop into my head unexpectedly, like, my thoughts will just wander over there. It includes conversations and moments at the end when she was at home with the palliative care team too.
I dont really know how someone is meant to deal with it. i’ve so far actually tried to lean into whatever i’m feeling, and to cry if i’m feeling sad. i think i’d rather let it all out knowing i’ll be ok after feeling those feelings. i have also started to write it down to try to get it out of my system (nothing fancy, just a list of bullet points). i’m going to bring it up with my therapist next week and see what she says.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s so hard losing a parent! I have the flashback memories, things Mum said, snapshots of how she looked, which was utterly dreadful at the end. Her very last breath, how she looked after she passed.
I even hear her voice in my head sometimes. It all sounds really weird to say out loud!
When she came home for that last couple of weeks, I guess I thought things would be far more normal than they were. It was all far from normal and it shocked me, even though, part of me deep down knew it would be very different!
I think I was concerned that I had PTSD, but I actually think these things are probably ‘normal’ for grief!
I think you are doing the right things. I let these feelings and images take me and cry if I need to. Talk to your friends and other family members when you need, too!
It’s a strange journey. I’ve come to turns with the fact that my parents are no longer here, but they are in my thoughts constantly, sometimes every few minutes, somehow I still seem to be functioning.
I wish you all the best and this is a good place to chat to others about how you feel! x
Thanks @BeeBop for your kindness, if it makes you feel any less crazy I can still “hear” my mam’s voice too - and her laugh. She would burst out with laughter and joy!
I think if the flashbacks are getting in the way of your every day life (e.g. if it is stopping you going to work, doing the things you like, seeing friends etc) then it may be worth seeking help. If it just brings about a sudden burst of tears - maybe that’s normal and we’re going to have to get use to it for a while!
I’m (slowly and gently) reading a book on grief and it says that our brains over a lifetime learn where loved ones are and should be in our lives, so the brain will automatically “fire” a thought of them, and they stay in our minds because of this even when they are gone.
Mum and I lived together. I go into her bedroom each night and morning and found myself ‘talking with her’ as though she is still with me. Initially it was very hard as there was an empty bed. I am now slowly adjusting. I can’t clear out her room as I know it will hit me too hard. I don’t have to, so just going with what feels right. I always cry when I find little possessions as I can see what was important to her. I am functioning, but living a surreal reality. I know that my Mum wanted me to be happy and so I won’t waste everything she instilled in me and the care and love she gave. This thought keeps me grounded and keeps me going.
My Mum was such a character and remarkable. Thankfully I have videos of her (even in her 90s) dancing and singing. She always did things to laugh. I am finding that although some triggers bring sadness, some of the memories make me chuckle.