I am on week 6 of this roller coaster journey and I can be randomly doing something and I suddenly have a flashback/memory of somewhere we went and I try to hold on to it to take in the detail of what we were doing and when it was but quick as a flash it just disappears and I can’t recall anything? Has this happened to anyone?
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Yes, this happens to me . I also have flashbacks to the police arriving and his face at the coronas office. Wish I had more good visions than not so good.
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I haven’t had any flashbacks of the day the ambulance and paramedics came (think I have blocked it out). Mine are around days out, holidays, etc. They happen when I am not thinking about anything but it upsets me when they just vanish and I can’t recall where we were and when etc. This is happening more frequently. It’s like our life together in video but for just seconds at a time, it’s so frustrating and sad
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These flashbacks happen to me too. Can happen at anytime but always make me cry when I get them. I assume it’s just another way of processing what’s happened. Memories are the only things that can’t be taken from us xx
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I just wish they would last longer than a few seconds so I can process them. God all this is so hard isn’t it?
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Yes so hard. Makes me feel like I’m going mad half of the time.
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A lot of my flashbacks are negative ones like watching the paramedics perform CPR and his arms flapping lifelessly as they were pumping on his chest, the marks that the defibrillator left on his chest, him lying in his coffin at the Chapel of rest, all the ones I’d rather forget. These last few days it’s like my brain is trying to push the good memories away if that makes sense 
It’s like I’m questioning our entire time together all because there was no goodbye. It’s ridiculous and I think it’s just my brain playing tricks on me but I can’t help feeling this way. Am I normal because this doesn’t feel normal 
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Yes @LostLil this appears to be normal as I also question my whole relationship and memories.
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If there had been a chance to say I love you to each other one last time I wouldn’t be feeling like this Sudden deaths are so much more complicated I feel. Argh! My head is a mess.
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I know that you mean @LostLil. I never got to say goodbye to my partner either.
Strangely though he sent me a little talking emoji (he’d just got a new phone as was playing with it at work) saying he loved me. He sent it less than a hour before he died. People keep telling me it’s lovely he was thinking of me at the end. To me it’s just heartbreaking
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Ohh that is lovely though. Really sweet.
I can’t even remember the last thing we said to eachother. Probably something really mundane
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I still remember the last conversation we had too. We had been talking about booking our summer holiday 
. Still can’t believe how life is so cruel
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Where were you planning on going?
The day before we’d been in town, he was looking for the bank with the best interest rates for ISA’s. We passed the travel agents on the way into town and mentioned that we should get some brochures, we’d planned on going on a cruise in September. We’d never been on a cruise before, always just done the usual packagr sunshine holidays so thought we’d try somethingdifferent like the Norwegian Ffords. For some reason we didn’t end up going in to the travel agents on the way back to the car, we forgot all about it. I’m glad in a way because I’d have had the travel brochures on the table as a reminder of the things we can never do together now
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I think all of this are our brain’s trying to process what happened.
Not saying goodbye with it being a sudden death out of nowhere is what gets to me the most.
One minute we are having a normal conversation the next the paramedics are working on him. Although his son’s stopped me going to see him at the hospital at least it spared me seeing him arrest 3 times but then I also would have stopped them because the last arrest he died for 18 minutes and they bought him back. If he had pulled through off life support he would have had severe brain damage and that would have been worse than dying. I know in my heart at the 2nd arrest I would have said leave him be
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Yes I know what you mean about brain damage being worse than dying for your partner. My OH wouldn’t have wanted to survive and be left with a poor quality of life or brain damage, I know that deep down, we’d spoken about stuff like that before but selfishly I would have wanted him here in any way I could keep him. If only every death came with a few minutes to say goodbye at the end
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I am now getting anxiety about the funeral on Thursday, I don’t want to see his son’s and if they even attempt to speak to me I will completely lose it. I am also stressing about what to wear, I know it’s probably irrelevant in the scheme of things but I want to do him proud. I keep going from trousers to skirt and back round again. I guess it’s because I just don’t want to do any of it
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I’m so sorry that sounds like an awful experience. My partner was found dead at work. I know they did CPR but it was too late. I know I wouldn’t have wanted to see him like that.
I keep thinking what if they’d got him back, if it had happened when I’d been with him. Would he have survived?
I know he wouldn’t have wanted to have survived but needed support.
All these thoughts mess with my head. I keep telling myself it won’t bring him back but still all the “what if’s “ keep coming
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I hope it goes as well as can be expected on Thursday. My OH’S is on Friday. I’m terrified. It’s so final. Up to now it’s like we have a lot to do and sort out for the funeral, we’ve been to see him down the Chapel of rest although it’s at the point where it’s a closed casket only right now. We’re going down to sit with him tomorrow for a while. Then after the funeral there’s nothing left to do for him I’m scared of what comes after that. It’s the start of life truly without him and it breaks my heart 
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We had only been looking at local break in our caravan. We tended to take a foreign holiday at the end of the year. Now I’m just left with a caravan I can’t tow!
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The one emotion which I can’t shake off is anger, at him for leaving me, at his son’s, at the world and the injustice of it all. I retire next year only to be faced with being on my own, what was the point of working all my life for a decent retirement to be totally robbed of it…? We will never take another holiday together, I still 6 weeks on cannot comprehend any of this. My brain is mush, I don’t know what day it is, what month it is, I am stuck on Sunday 26th Feb when I last saw him
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