I am new here. I lost my husband, my best friend in November. He was only 60. He hadn’t been ill. He just collapsed and died with a pulmonary embolism. I am struggling to carry on without him. I can’t go in our bathroom (where it happened) without seeing him. I am stuck with the image of him and the 6 paramedics who tried to save him. I can’t think of the good times we had, just the shock, disbelief and images of what looked like aggressive treatment as they tried to resuscitate him. How do I get passed this?
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Sky, I also lost my husband my soulmate also in November he was in the hospital and I was lucky enough to be with him but still see him gasping for his final breaths. I can’t tell you how you can get past this everyone is different, I am really struggling at the moment and if one more person tells me it will be easier once Christmas is over I will strangle them. You look after yourself and just take each day as it comes x
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Thank you Su2 for replying. I am sorry you are going through this as well. It has actually helped slightly just to write it down. I haven’t told anyone about my feelings because I don’t want to make them sad or have the pictures in their heads that I have.
My heart goes out to anyone that is grieving. I had no idea how painful and exhausting it is.
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I’m so sorry for your loss Sky, I also suffer from flashback, my husband died suddenly, he was in our bed and because our room is so small they took him into my daughters room where he died. It took me over a month to sleep in our bed again and I get flashbacks to that last hour several times a day, they just pop into my head with no warning. He died in August and was 48, I think they happen less now but they still happen daily. I keep a journal which I write in every night addressed to him and that helps to get my worst feelings out. I also try to talk about happy memories with our kids and I’ve had some counselling with Sue Ryder which has been very helpful. And of course this group has been fantastically supportive, as sadly, we know how you feel. Keep posting and take care Natasha x
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Thank you Lilyboost, That sounds like good advice. I will try a journal. I can’t really believe that this has happened. The rest of the world seems to be carrying on as normal while I am forgetting to breathe, eat or sleep. My adult children are what keeps me going, they are grieving as well and need me to be strong.
I am glad I have stumbled on this site.
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I am so grateful for my kids, as you say, they are what keeps us going, mine are still on teenagers 17 and 14 and are struggling with the loss of their Dad. And I am lost without him, today has been very hard, all the preparation for tomorrow that we did together. But we are here for each other x
Hi I to have many flash backs , Gary passed within 3 weeks of being told he was palliative, even though the cancer nurse said he would be here for Christmas. He died 8/11. I keep seeing him sitting on the chair, lying in the bed which was in the sitting room , went into the kitchen cupboard and noticed his hair clippers then broke down on the kitchen floor. No matter where I look I can see him. For the full day on that Sunday I sat holding his hand until his last breathe he took at 1:07 on the Monday morning, I lay next to him until 5:30 that morning when the undertaker came to take him away. I cannot get these images out of my head, The pain he suffered in those 3 weeks was horrendous , constantly being given more and more medication which could not be absorbed by his body. I don’t know what is worse seeing your loved one suffer over a period of time or a sudden death. Either way losing your soulmate is something we may never come to terms with.
Take care everyone xx
Hi Sky
It is very early days for you at the minute, I am a bit further on than you. My husband died on the 25th of July aged 61 in exactly the same circumstances as yours, the only difference is it was in the kitchen.
It’s a massive shock isn’t it & very traumatic to see happening in front of your eyes, everybody is different & I see in your post further down you are not talking to people about it, I was completely the other way I told everybody & anybody who would listen what happened in every graphic detail as if I said it enough times I would start to believe it had really happened myself.
After a few weeks of wanting to talk I then started to block it out, I went into autopilot & just stopped thinking, the trouble with that was I wasn’t just forgetting what had happened I was forgetting other things as well, for instance I would be in the shower & couldn’t remember if I’d washed my hair or I would be stood in front of the telly with the duster in my hand but couldn’t remember if I’d dusted it or not.
I ended up having to go on medication to help me cope, now when I think of that night I realise I can’t remember every single detail like I could in the early days, I try not to think about it but I do still get the odd unwanted image pop into my head every now & then.
Hi all - The same happened to me, but it was the dining room. It was traumatic pumping my husbands chest whilst waiting for the paramedics to arrive, not knowing if I was doing it right. After there was the guilt and questions going through my head of why I didn’t go and see him earlier. He was pronounced dead a few minutes arriving at A&E. I am convinced he had already gone. My hubby died just over 12 months ago. I only got some peace when the Coroner told me his death was instantaneous, there was nothing that could have been done. I was the opposite to you I used to sit on the dining room floor where he died all the time, it was the last place he was alive. I don’t do that anymore. It’s a hard time you are going through, It will get easier, but it won’t ever be the same, not only are you having to deal with the shock but your loss too, some days it’s too much. To me it felt like a form of PTSD. Thinking of you over this time, keep coming on the site, you will get some benefit from it, I know I have x
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Thank you Keskai
I am sorry to hear you have been through this. It is reassuring to know that there are other people out there who understand, although I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I hope you have managed to cope with today. I am lucky to have loving children who have been amazing and are looking after me and each other.
Hello Viv3, I do feel traumatised and guilty for not doing more, even though the paramedics couldn’t save him. There are things I would have liked to tell him and now it is too late. Your message gives me hope that it will get easier, although it’s difficult to think ahead at the moment. We had plans and dreams that now won’t happen and the world is a scary place without him.
Best wishes to anyone who has lost a loved one.
Yes it will, I still feel the same but talk aloud, and say what you wanted to say, I honestly believe he hears me and you too will be heard. Look out for signs, they give me some comfort. You are not in the position to look forward, I am still not looking forward, I initially took one day at a time, I now take one week at a time. It’s a hard journey we are on. Look after yourself, speak soon x