Thank you for your response, coming on here does help and makes me realise I’m not the only one treading this awful lonely path. The mixture of awful feelings that come over me; loneliness, sadness and anxiety not to mention the desperate feeling of wanting to see and be with my late husband and the reality that he has gone forever. I’ve read so many times you never get over such a loss but just learn to live with it. I think that will take quite a while. 
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I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my darling husband last May after he had battled advanced prostate cancer for eight and a quarter years. We had been together for forty-five years and married for forty-three. I miss him terribly. We did everything together and were working on a musical project. He was just about to start new treatment when the pain got worse. He could hardly walk but he drove us both to the hospital where he spent nine days before he got a blood clot which affected his liver and kidneys. I was called at 1.30 am and rushed through deserted streets trying to get a taxi and finally found one at the station. I got there in time but I was warned he wouldn’t survive. I lost my beloved soulmate and best friend at 8.20 am. The early days without him were horrendous. I would well up in tears, going for a walk through the park, supermarket shopping, all the mundane things we did together. I still can’t walk along the Southbank where we used to walk and take photographs. I miss our laughs together, our singing and dancing together, our creating songs and music together, his lovely voice and smile which everyone else remembers. We had no children but good friends and close family have been very supportive. I go to the cinema and visit art galleries which helps. The nights are worse but I watch TV to take my mind off having to deal with the fact that I am having to learn to live without him. I can’t bear to give away his clothes. I am surrounded by all his musical equipment and have his photos all over the place. I sleep with his photos, shirt and baseball cap next to me on his pillow. I speak to him every day and tell him how much I love him and look forward to being with him again one day. Sometimes I go to pieces when suddenly it hits me once again that I will never see him again in my lifetime. In November I had a very painful throat and ear infection, followed by my slipping in the bath and breaking two ribs in December. This was the first time I had been ill without him. It really struck home as we had always looked after each other. Anniversaries are also painful as we both always used to write that we loved each other for ever into Eternity and beyond. Next month would would have been our forty-fourth wedding anniversary and in May I have this stone setting. I was given a very helpful book - On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. I highly recommend it. There are no time limits on grief. Everybody grieves in their own way.
I send you love and healing hugs and hope you eventually find your inner peace.
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You are sharing it here with people who totally feel your pain.Im thinking of you today ,I know the pain will never go and that you must have loved your husband so much .
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Thank you for your kind words. I had a bad moment today when I couldn’t find some photographs of us together in LA shortly after we had first met. I had only come across them recently.
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I’ve done that so many times, you find something lovely, then get a bit frantic when you suddenly can’t find it. Then it turns up where you thought you’d already looked. I even had a panic at midnight one night, when I was getting ready to go on the cruise we’d booked to celebrate my wife’s 50th birthday & our 30th wedding anniversary. I couldn’t find my passport, it wasn’t in the drawer where it should have been, I emptied that drawer & several others! I finally found it, I’d already put it in my bag ready to go. Why I suddenly started looking for it at midnight I have no idea, I think it was about 1.30 by the time I found it, that was still 3 days till the cruise.
I’ve had quite difficult day today getting our caravan ready to go away in it tomorrow, it’ll be the second time I’ve taken it away since losing Rachel. I’m heading to a site we’d been going to since 2015, we’d take the caravan there and site it there for 2 or 3 months. This year I’ve got it booked in from tomorrow till the start of July. Our caravan spent ‘lockdown’ there, we had a view of a carpark from our front windows, whilst our caravan sat with a gorgeous view of the Welsh hills. We always joined the Ffestiniog Railway Society & loved taking a trip on it, watching the changing season whilst being there. I’ve got a lifetime membership in memory of my wife, we’d discussed getting them anyway. I’ve booked a seat in first class on the first train of the season, I’ll raise a class to her during the trip & probably have a few tears too. I know I’m only going for a few days to get the caravan set up, then coming home to carry on clearing my mum’s house, but I don’t seem to have had much to do today. Usually we’d have been rushing round like mad, so now I’m worrying that I haven’t done all I need to. I think losing a partner makes you over think & analyse everything, I think it’s because we’ve now got nobody to help/discuss basic things with. I hope I’ve packed/done everything I need for the weekend, I guess I’ll find out once I’m there.
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@58tigger im sure you’ve packed everything, it just feels empty doing stuff by yourself. It’ll be emotional but I hope you can enjoy some memories while taking your trip on the train.
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we all have times like this, I lost my dear husband 5 years ago and I often feel lost and lonely without him and feel like a spare part in this world. But the sun is shining today so onwards and upwards dear friend ,sending love and hugs from CAZ 3J