Forgiveness

A lot of people on this forum have spoken about forgiveness. Should you or shouldn’t you forgive. How can you forgive someone who has treated you like something they have trodden on. Have sent texts to you full of paranoia and every possible swear word under the sun. Horrible words. Told you about things they would do for you, but didn’t. All whilst visiting my beloved Alan for 10 hours a day and since his death. Then to top it all receive a last text message to say he didn’t wish me any harm but that was his last message from him to me. He blamed me for him not being there when Alan passed away, which wasn’t true. That last message was 3 months after he had passed away, and I just don’t understand why he even left it that long to say that anyway. My youngest son tried to contact him. So that is son number 1. Son number 2 I have given him a roof over his head when he was made homeless which was in February 2019, 3 months before Alan passed away. What have I been rewarded with, more texts with foul language. On the day after Alans funeral I was left to my own ends whilst 2 of my sons were in the pub all day and night. I felt so alone and down and couldn’t stop crying. I sent son no 2 a text saying if he could afford to stay out all day and night he could afford to pay me back some of the money he owed me. That’s when I got text no 1. I’ve since had another 2 over different things. He went on about wear and tear on his van and fuel costs if ever he gave me a lift to work. it didn’t matter about my washing machine and gas and electric. We now don’t speak and I don’t have any lifts from him, its better that way then he can’t throw out about it. But he still buys his bottle of wine and cigs every night and still owes me the money. They also both do drugs. He let me down badly at Christmas with shopping he was supposed to take me for. So I could forgive and forget but it would happen again all too soon. We have been let down so many times in the past with different things. Its alright someone saying forgive but have they been sworn at and spoken to and let down in so many ways. Its easy to say oh forgive. My forgiveness comes with my death when they inherit whatever I leave, as I could change the will if I wanted, but I won’t go against my Alans wishes.

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This is such a sad post, daisy, I do feel for you. x

Thank you Mary. You would think they would be proud of their old mum still doing a demanding strenuous job at nearly 68 years old. But they wouldn’t care if I dropped dead tomorrow. I would go as far as to say they would probably be pleased as it would solve their money problems in the short term but unfortunately they won’t change now they’re on the path of destruction, drink and drugs. Janet xx

hi daisy -janet
we live in such a sick world its bad enough when non relatives are nasty pieces of work.And are out for what ever they can get to make them selves happy.Your situation regarding your sons,is so damn sad,its like all they care about is number one and f%%$$%S to anyone one else.it a pity you cant just sell up get a nice little home some where surrounded by people in a similar boat who can be there to listen and comfort each othrer.and sod off to all the family who just make matters all about them and how insensitive they are about there mothers dads daughters etc those.im finding it hard to comprehend how piss poor the attitudes of your sons is.
seems they haven’t got a conscience guiding them to do the right thing for once in there adult lifes, for the person whose given them the best possible start in life, fed them clothed them and supported them even though apparently as adults they have only there own self interests at heart.sorry Daisy-janet I know as their mum you would want to defend their choices in life and says its not for a stranger to judge or make comments about your children.maybe they will shock you and suddenly realise how spiteful and selfish they have been ,with losing Alan putting you in a place were in reality nothing else could make you feel worse,but sadly those people we would expect to give us love comfort etc doing as your sons have and not being there for you and being any thing but helpful.my situation isnt as bad in one sense because its not my family thats given me grief,but make me wonder how supportive Jaynes family would of been to Jayne if id died.they probably might of just supported Jayne but with the venom Jaynes mum showed me I doubt it ,they would of told her to move on .to them 28 years as a couple meant bugger all.
hand on heart id be writing a new will and make it clear your sons would maybe have time to get back in your good books.but saying that think myself in your situation and being what and how they have acted id not tell them and do whats best for me.not sure if you’ve read any of my posts surrounding my treatment etc.but even now part of me wants put the nieces and nephews in my will.as I know Jayne loved them.but I look at how the parents mum dad etc have treated me and know in my heart Jayne would be disgusted at them,they have no excuse for their actions,Jaynes mum a devout catholic ,would love to know how she sleeps at night shes not a very good advert for any religion.
sorry janet -daisy for droning on or if ive upset you in any way,just wish you well and hope miracles happen and your sons wake up to them selves and give you the love and comfort you so need.
regards
ian

I too have always found it hard to forgive and forget and would forever when the chance arrived keep bringing up things from the past that now in hindsight i should have left there, in the past…If there is one thing i have now learnt the hard way, for me i am now torturing myself, this is to do with my Richard who i lost, and his 75th Birthday being yesterday… I am not talking of family…As for Richards family, i am an outsider, i will live with that, and i will survive…well for as long as i have left to survive that is, as i dont think my life here will be too long now…Yes i am and have been bitter over many so called family members…but whats the point, at the end of the day this only plays havoc with our own health, not theirs…so dont give them the satisfaction… distance yourself as far away from them as possible…and if possible only surround yourself by good people, positive people, people that will give you that feelgood factor when you are around them, distance oneself from the nasties, the negatives as and when able to…

Jackie…

I too have always found it hard to forgive and forget and would forever when the chance arrived keep bringing up things from the past that now in hindsight i should have left there, in the past…If there is one thing i have now learnt the hard way, for me i am now torturing myself, this is to do with my Richard who i lost, and his 75th Birthday being yesterday, and none of these were serious just silly petty things… I am not talking of family…As for Richards family, i am an outsider, i will live with that, and i will survive…well for as long as i have left to survive that is, as i dont think my life here will be too long now…Yes i am and have been bitter over many so called family members…but whats the point, at the end of the day this only plays havoc with our own health, not theirs…so dont give them the satisfaction… distance yourself as far away from them as possible…and if possible only surround yourself by good people, positive people, people that will give you that feelgood factor when you are around them, distance oneself from the nasties, the negatives as and when able to…just dont play their game…and prove we are better than them, ignore them, if anything gets to people, it is being ignored…

Jackie…

I know i dont always act on my own advice, even i have to work harder at it…but i am now learning fast, especially that i have experienced, that life is really, so very very short…too short for my liking…

I too have had the nasty people through my life, but fortunately not since my bereavement. If anyone can’t forgive then they carry that burden on top of the grief. We let others rule our lives, which stops us going forward. We allow others to do it to us. Yes we do, because our lives should be our own and not ruled by nasty people. People can be really bad, but can also be kind. I focus on the kind ones and keep away from the others. Now I can only imagine what it’s like if they are relatives. It’s very difficult not to have contact. I have said before that hate, resentment, and anger can only produce negative thoughts which can develop into physical symptoms. If we harbour those thoughts our lives can become more miserable than they are. Negative thoughts can eat away at the mind until feeling negative emotions becomes a habit. Of course we can’t be jolly and happy, not yet, or perhaps never will be again, but I am not going to allow others to dictate my life with their negative thinking. I am not talking about real grief. That is not negative but natural.
This is only my opinion for what it’s worth. I know there are a lot of differences over forgiveness, Many just can’t let go. Sad! We are all suffering the most traumatic time in our lives, so why add to the suffering. Blessings. John.

Daisy, your children should be proud of you, you come across as a feisty lady and independent too. I am proud of you. x

If I may plough in here…
I may be misunderstanding but if it’s being said that forgiveness is best but then to cut them out of one’s life, can that be construed as forgiveness?
It has to be said that I am not a forgiving person, depending on the wrongdoing of course. I am capable of cutting someone out of my life forever. I am also capable of not dwelling on it afterwards so it doesn’t devour me. Since the loss of my husband this ‘skill’ has become even easier as my grief is all consuming and anything else pales into insignificance. As we have found out, life’s too short to dwell on negative things/people. They’re simply not worth it so I surround myself with those things/people who enhance my life (that includes all of you on this forum :blush:). We’re all different though and I realise some people can’t just shut off or shut out Just my thoughts you understand…
xx

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I think there is nothing worse than placing oneself in other peoples hands when we simply have no choice but to simply grin and bare it until we get our life back into order, then only then we can revert to being ourselves once again, we can then distance ourselves, and surround ourselves only with the people we want to associate with but at this moment in time, after the loss, the death of our loved ones, we may not have that choice-that option when so many outsider, voluntary organisations, benefit helpers, all things we never wanted in the first place but now fins we are in that unfortunate position to have to claim for this and that, something new and foreign to many, as many have never had to live this way before, nor relish having to live way now…At the end of the day, i want to be in control of my life not be controlled by being told to follow orders and so forth…

I think there is nothing worse than placing oneself in other peoples hands when we simply have no choice but to simply grin and bare it until we get our life back into order, then only then we can revert to being ourselves once again, we can then distance ourselves, and surround ourselves only with the people we want to associate with but at this moment in time, after the loss, the death of our loved ones, we may not have that choice-that option when so many outsider, voluntary organisations, benefit helpers, all things we never wanted in the first place but now find we are in that unfortunate position to have to claim for this and that, something new and foreign to many, as many have never had to live this way before, nor relish having to live way now…At the end of the day, i want to be in control of my life not be controlled by being told to follow orders and so forth…

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Hi Ian Maybe I will do that one day, but at the moment it brings me some form of comfort here where I lived with Alan. He made me a lovely fireplace in my lounge and another one in my dining room. He did a lot of work here as well as in the garden and i couldn’t bear to leave it just yet, as damp as what the house is. It sounds very idyllic to be surrounded by people in the same boat as me and to comfort each other. I do feel that is all I need in life, someone there who cares and understands. I think you start to question yourself whether I gave them the best start in life when they treat me as they do. No Ian I do not defend their choices in life at all and you are judging them on the comments I have made so I am not offended in any way. They certainly would shock me as I can’t imagine them ever realising how spiteful and selfish they have been. I never ever thought that one day I would be writing things so terrible about them. I think they are too far down the line of the things they shouldn’t be doing. Yes I think it makes you feel worse because I know I have family there but they are just not interested’ or bothered or care. No love and comfort shown which i wanted more than anything else in the world when Alan passed away. Even when he was poorly in hospital I was left to make my own way home at 9 o’clock at night on 2 buses. Yes I have read some of your posts concerning Jaynes family. I am sure you will do what you feel is right for her nephews and nieces and I wouldn’t let her mother get under your skin. Thank you Ian for your kindness and concern and you didn’t drone on or upset me in any way. I too wish for that miracle as it is nice to feel loved and wanted by your family. Love Janet X

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Thank you mary, i too thought they would have been proud of me so its nice to know that you are. I asked my son who is living with me if he had any intentions of paying me any money and all i got was a mouthful of abuse. How i shouldn’t judge him, i’m a narcissist, how i have cost him a thousand pounds at least, not true as all he has done is given me a lift a few times in his van when hes been going that way anyway. He was there for me when no one else was when alan was dying in hospital, also not true because he wasn’t there until it suited him as he was having his own problems with a druggie woman he had only known a few months and she was going home to italy. So he would take me to the hospital on his way to work, on the days he did work. Otherwise he would come in with me but that was only because i wouldn’t let him have a key to the house so it was either warm hospital or cold van. Just like his older brother who was there to start with occassionally then suddenly stopped visiting. Also i’m a lazy c_ _ _. Those were just some of the things he said with his raised nasty voice and finger pointing and calling me mate. Plenty of swear words too. Anyway he said yes don’t worry you’ll get your money and then i’ll be moving out in a couple of weeks time. I said yes i’ve heard it all before but it never happens. I said i can live without you in my life as i do with andrew (my eldest son). I pointed out that i had offered to pay a months rent on a flat for him before he came back to live with me and also he could have gone to live with my alcoholic niece, he didn’t want any of those options. In his words he didn’t want to live with an alcoholic though he has a bottle of wine every night and what other form of drugs he has. I’m sure no one can be as nasty as he is just on wine. I pointed out that i was the one putting a roof over his head when he said he had many friends and people who liked him. I said i doubt you will be working at 67 as you have a job going in now and i also pointed out that when alan was self employed he worked very early morning til night 7 days a week. Hes blamed all his past ex’s for everything thats gone wrong with his life. So that was all said today and yesterday my luck wasn’t in either. I finished work a bit earlier, 8 instead of 8.30. My superviser said she would give me a lift home as my bus wasn’t due until 8.50 and is usually late coming. It was very good of her because its the opposite direction to where she lives. She had given me a lift on the saturday night. When she started the car up it made a tremendous noise and smelt horrible so she said sorry janet i won’t be able to take you. I said don’t apologize its not your fault, so i said i would walk the 2 and a half mile home as it was still only 8.13. I got home at 9 pm and i had called at the chippy at that. No bus passed me. Is that the action of a lazy person after working a 9 and a half hour shift. I don’t think so. Thank you for listening to me droning on. Xx

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