Frightens me.

Only just found this site today. Ive read quite a lot of posts today. Lost my best friend (my wife) on the 5th November. Funeral not until another 16 days. I feel that the pain is getting worse as the days go on and it frightens me that this could go on for a long time. Initially my family were around me but now im going to be alone until the day before the funeral. I can’t get myself into any type of routine. I know reading a lot of posts this is all normal. Im not even sure why im posting this. But it is helping. All the arrangements will be in place in next 3 days. Then ill have even more time on my hands. What did others do that helped during this initial phase of grieving ?

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Dear David_H

Sorry for the loss of your wife. I think we are guided towards this site because those on this forum (regrettably) understand our pain and loss. I cannot remember what I did in the period leading up to my husband’s funeral - the first few months if being honest were a total blur. My husband’s funeral was also in lockdown so there was quite a bit of communication with the church and then those who were being invited to attend.

What I would say is rest when you want to - sleep is not something that comes easy. Surround yourself with friends and family.

And keep visiting this forum. You will find support through reading other posts or sharing your feelings.

Take care.

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I totally agree I have no memory of those weeks possibly months I can not even remember much about the funeral possibly the brains way of dealing with it all I wish I had found this site back then I think it would have really helped me as my way of dealing with it all was pretending nothing had happened that was not a good idea has after about 6 months it hit me like a bulldozer keep reading keep writing it’s a great help and massive support x

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So sorry to hear of your loss it’s the worst thing to lose your best friend. I really feel I have lost part of my soul I lost my partner back in July. The first few weeks are a complete blur & I really couldn’t tell u what I did I no I wasn’t sleeping & my doctor put me on some medication that just made me feel like I was in a fog but now I am 4months in you start to slowly come round to accepting u are now in this awful position of facing life on your own. I send you all my best whishes :pray:t2:

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Dear Beth44

Thank you. The sleep patterns are still all over the place. Me and husband never took any form of medication so I did not go down that route. But I can tell you we all suffer from the ‘fog’ you describe. There are still some days now when I cannot remember the simplest of things and I can be driving down well-trodden roads and suddenly find myself lost and then panic sets in and I go into a melt-down. Like yourself I too lost my husband suddenly and this brings with it its own problems. I now feel so vulnerable, frightened, alone, desolate on some days. I know I have to sort out probate and my husband’s pensions but sometimes feel as if I am robbing from him. All his hard work and no time for him to enjoy the reward.

I remember back in December coming on the internet and finding this forum. It has helped in my darkest times. Although still not sure how I am meant to go forward and continue anything without my husband by my side. I can only advise you to keep coming to this forum to read or post, it really does help because sometimes we just cannot off-load to family or friends as they cannot begin to understand our pain.

Take care.

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Dear David

So sorry you have found yourself on this forum, and for your loss. I think everyone has given you the best advice, keep coming on this forum I did not find it for a few months and by that time I was at the end of my tether in the very angry phase. Coming on here even just to read posts helps. My advice is to post, nobody will judge we know what you are going through, just get it off your chest. The first few weeks I felt I had to be organised, so I had my book and my lists of things I had to do and started to go through our personal affairs. I also cleaned my house non stop. God only knows why I did that I was in a mess, it was all a front. Do what you want to do, but make sure you feed yourself, even if it’s rubbish, sleep when you can, make sure you speak to at least one person per day, and go for a walk, everything else can wait. I did watch Afterlife 3x it helped. Look after yourself x

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So very sorry for the loss of your best friend David. It’s a dreadful pain to bear. The day’s after my husband’s death and before his funeral were a total blur.

Looking back on his illness, his death, coping with looking after him alone during lockdown, I don’t know how we coped.

It will definitely help you reading the many, many posts on here. It’s so sad there are so many people in this same, heartbreaking situation.

You won’t get into a routine for quite a while, then suddenly you will realise you are in a routine of sorts.

It’s devastating, but we can only take a day at a time.

I think that’s all I’ll manage for the remainder of my life to be honest.
Take care

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Hi David, I was in a fog most of the time, I sorted the legal stuff and then began sorting the loft and garage out. They were his not mine and I had never been in the loft. I went through his personal possessions too. I kept thinking I may die too and did not want our daughters being left with this task as well as my stuff. I cried a lot with all the memories that were with all his belongings and gave away to family the things I knew he wanted them to have. Then I started on the photos!!!

I am glad I did it then as to be doing it now 18 months later would be bringing all the grief back and much as it hurt it felt like therapy in a way. It kept me busy.

If I could get myself out for a walk it helped clear my head a bit. People like neighbours tend to avoid speaking at first. I think they just don’t know what to say and are worried about upsetting you so it did help. They all speak again now. Is that just me or did others find that too?

You have to find out what helps you get through this nightmare, a day at a time and don’t expect too much at once. That awful feeling when you wake up does improve as time passes. Xx

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Hi , so sorry for your loss, k tried many things to help me. Crosswords , reading , coloring books , dot to dot things I never thought I would do, I also wrote to Tony and told him my feelings and I still do that now , I had a bench in his memory and I have a memorial page I write on , it doesn’t and won’t bring Tony back but it helps a little xx

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Thanks everyone. It really does help visiting the forum. Apart from arranging the funeral which is surreal. Elaine would have loved a party with a live band probably at half this funeral cost. That makes me sad. Our 40th Anniversary was in lockdown, we were going to have a celebration for our 42nd next spring.

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Dear David

I am sure that you have already been informed but there is a DWP payment available which will help towards the costs of the funeral.

My husband’s 60th was in lockdown and our trip was cancelled as a result. We never got to take it. My brother-in-law clearly not listening to a word we told him at the time has just spent the week at the same place we were meant to go and plastered it all over Facebook.

Our 40th wedding anniversary is next March and we had planned a big trip overseas. Again something that will never happen.

My husband died on the 4th December. Like David, the funeral isnt for another 18 days. I keep expecting to see him or expecting him to ring me. I feel like I’m in a nightmare but can’t wake up. Getting up in the morning and going to bed without him is so hard. I feel cold and empty inside and feel that this pain will never stop.
Julie

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The pain will get slightly less in time Julie, but I agree, going to bed without them is so painful.
I still find the mornings hard after 9 months, still feel empty and sick in the mornings BUT that pain is getting slightly less as I get used to being alone.
I know exactly the cold & empty feeling you describe.
As I keep saying to myself, just take a day at a time, or just an hour at a time.
It’s very, very hard but I all of us in this same situation know how you are feeling.
Take care

Thanks. Yes ive claimed that. It will help a lot.

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Hi

It’s the loneliness and emptiness of the house that is so hard to come to terms with. Ian passed away 22 weeks ago yesterday and still grief can overwhelm me and bring me to my knees.
If Ian was still here, we would be out for the day but I have nothing arranged for today or tomorrow. Family live a long way away and Ian and I just so enjoyed each other’s company, that we made few friends.
I am trying to forge a few new friendships but it is not easy. I take myself off out for a coffee everyday and stay out for hours just to avoid being home alone.
I’m trying to take one day at a time but some days are just so incredibly long and heartbreaking.

Julie x

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