Funeral for the first marriage !!! is this weird

My husband Tim died two years ago . we were together for 26 years and married for 20.the funeral could only be attended by me, my daughter his daughter and her two children. although the crematorium service was streamed.
we lived in my house
His children were sycophantic while i sorted out what little money was left after care fees. the will stated amounts of money for them , there was not that amount of money so they had everything. i could have the money that i had paid for the death certificates. They were very intrusive investigating bank accounts querying why he paid towards household bill when in hospital and so on.it has been a difficult 2 years of abusive texts, emails and phone call.
mu daughters felt it was important that they should be at the interment of ashes. his son who lives ib Dubai was finally able to travel.
so i obtained permission for the burial of the ashes in our closed church yard., as the churchyard is closed it is expected that the ceremony be reverent and discreet. Then his grown children took over, only people from the first marriage could come , as the priest had said 30 maximum.The first wife had left him before we were together. There was a wake afterwards. They did a funeral parade
from the wake venue to the churchyard. i was already there with my daughter and the priest, and the ashes. the ashes were interred and the priest asked if anyone would like to add some soil , the first wife was there before i or Tim’s brother could move! they then went off to the wake. is this weird or am i too sensitive. the first wife seems to consider herself a widow.

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Hello @Sueswim7 - I am so sorry you lost Tim - and have had to go through all this. The behaviour you describe is horrible, selfish and inconsiderate. You did the all right things and they exploited it to the max - to make everything about them. Well, it’s not. It is about you, now, Sue and taking care of you and being kind to you. Hold on to the fact that you had all that wonderful love and time with Tim - and this is all that is important. I am sending you loads of love x

thankyou Vancouver i was starting to think it was me . i think they must completely lack empathy
wishing toy well with love x

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I to went through a similar experience. My step daughter brought her mum with her to the hospital the day he passed. I sat with my husband and held his hand until he took his last breath. I don’t think I have stopped crying since. His ex wife kept asking the nurse if she could see him even after he had gone. I felt she had no right. She made a nuisance of herself. The nurse refused to let her see him. They had divorced years ago At the funeral my step daughter mention her mum rather a lot in her eulogy. In the end I just let it go and got through the day. I was glad to go home. It was a very sad day and I felt totally overwhelmed by it all. It will be a year tomorrow and I keep going through the day in my mind Sending hugs and understanding. X

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Dear Nel
i feel for you. i was with Tim until the end although covid had started he did not die of covid so i was able to be with him . they did not let anyone else, so i was saved from that and the actual funeral. i am glad you were stoic and got through the day, well done. i am actually laughing at the ex wife’s behaviour it is so crass it is laughable .i was told that at the wake she was talking as if she had been his wife all along. people do behave in the most shocking ways sometimes.
thankyou for your understanding . it is hard not to go through the day again but remember your lovely times
love sue

@Sueswim7 I understand completely how families can take over so harshly and it really becomes stressful and hurtful.

When I was young my sons father passed very suddenly and I expected to be very involved - although we were not married or anything in the eyes of the law

His family (who he had a very complex relationship with after they put him in foster care ) they completely legally stepped in and froze me and his son out

I didn’t get to say goodbye or see him in the chapel or attend his funeral and it really had suspended closure for me in many ways all these years later

He passed loving me and his son and they abused the fact he wasn’t there to state his case

It’s the worst possible abuse

I’m sorry you had to go through this
X

Dear Cas2 , i am sorry that you had to go through that too. i do not know how you get over that cruelty. i feel for you

they did not spend time with Tim always too busy. the only grandchild that he held or had a ‘normal’ grandfather relationship was my daughters daughter.
i too think it is abuse of the most cruel kind.
sue x

@Sueswim7 your definitely right
It’s the hardest hitting way of causing you pain and anger there was nothing they could do in life to stop you being happy so they did when you were most vulnerable. That says a lot about them and the lack of humanity they hold .
Part of me probably on self preservation felt glad that I got to only remember him as he was in life and I didn’t have to deal with any of the stress and death memories - but it’s caught up with me now because all these years later I didn’t get any closure

Not a chance to lay anything to rest - unfinished business as it were

Finding this group has been really helpful - because we can say it all out loud the good the bad and the very painful
X

@Sueswim7 the ironic thing is - I wish I could call him and tell him everything that’s happened ; then I remember I can’t and I’m back to square one -

X

dear Cas2 , i do understand ,
yes what type of people kick someone when they are down?
i often think ‘i must tell Tim that when i get home’ then i remember!
i know that Tim would be so cross with them all. making it all about them. i do believe in Karma though although we will probably never know.
stay
strong for your son.
do you have any faith ? a minister might be able to help you and put together a short service just for you and your son , unless there are others you might want there. you could put together some special memories and do it on an anniversary or birthday or anytime. just a thought of something that might help. another thing my daughter did when Tim dies, they live near the sea , she and her husband and my granddaughter painted pebbles with memories on and threw them in the sea. one of my grandaughters was funny it said ‘if there is no delivery service in heaven please return to sender’
sue x

Hello, one of my friends has just had a similar experience.

Her husband was previously married, his ex wife had an affair & left him to marry the other man, even though he tried to have a relationship with his kids (they were all adults when they divorced) they just weren’t interested in him.

He then hit cancer, he told them but they didn’t help him or keep in contact.

Then the funeral, the ex wife was there, wailing & the kids all did a eulogy, they insisted on the front row & all stood greeting people.

I felt really sorry for my friend, it was as though she didn’t exist, even though she was his wife, she cared for him during the cancer & dealt with everything to make things easier for him, she devoted her life to him when he was ill.

I felt that the ex wife & the children were feeling guilty & wanted to make a big ‘show” at the funeral to show they were his “devoted family” - all done to save face, seemed really strange as those of us that were there knew they weren’t there when they were needed! It seems as though by making a show they look good to other people & this washes there guilt away, assume some people are just like that.

Dear flower_garden ,
you friend is blessed to have you and other friends to validate her. it is really shocking behaviour. that is done to pretend that they have perfect lives and to assuage their guilt. one of my daughters says guilt is worse than grief.
these kids are adults too! i think they must be very dysfunctional people but it still hurts .thank you for being there for your friend you were needed more than you know

Hi all - I’m so sorry that the bereavement has become ugly - it’s hard enough isn’t it ! People can be so selfish

I know in my case it was to punish me eternally because he would never leave me or our son and his family (and mine hated it ) so they got their revenge in his death

My son was 5 at the time and had vague memories of swimming with dad on the beach but to protect him I hid so much.

I’ve asked my son if he wants a memorial etc and he declined - he really has only had me so the impact isn’t affecting him just yet

He’s going to be a father in Aug and he has a new wife and all of these wonderful things are happening and I can’t call him and share etc - it’s always the big events that are a pain - small ones too I guess

Although My sons wife told me that everyone of my sons friends and my family told her she reminded them of me at that age & her family have alot of similarities to mine -
Sometimes I think he had a hand in that from the heavens or wherever like he has recreated *Us but in the 21c - he would have loved her !

Just writing all of this down has been cathartic

Thankyou @Sueswim7 and ladies

So helpful :heart:

Dear Cas2
i too found writing all this down cathartic. as you say bereavement/grief is hard enough without crazy making people,
you have anew chapter beginning with the baby. Enjoy sue x

Thankyou @Sueswim7 although on better days I do have conversations in my head about what’s going on and what he’s missing :slight_smile: is that a bit mad ? X