Further on with no end in sight

I’m 8 months on and it’s getting harder not easier. Cant see an end to this grief and pain I’m feeling.
Sorry, just needed to off load.

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Dear lyndal,
I am so sorry for the pain and grief you are experiencing after your husbands sudden death. We too were married thirty five years when my husband died suddenly. He was out for the evening with our younger son and I was away looking after my mum. When I said goodbye to him I really had no idea that would be the last time I would see him alive and I have such difficulty accepting how he died. He suffered a sudden cardiac arrythmia and collapsed mid conversation. I believe sudden unexpected death to be so hard to accept as real and to this day I can’t believe it is.
There is such a sudden disconnect between life as it was and what it is and I don’t think our brains can really compute what has happened.
It’s no wonder we cannot see an end to the pain and grief as it’s impossible to understand. I feel if I could understand I would cope better.
However people do survive and perhaps unloading on here is one way to enable that survival - just knowing we’re not alone . I wish I could offer more comfort. Thinking of you .x

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Lyndal

Your so right it’s been 2 years since I found my husband at the bottom of our stairs dead
The last two months I have just cried and cried
I find I don’t have a purpose anymore
I try and tell myself people are worse off than me
I have a home job family friends
But that never stops the heartache of trying to live my life without him
And I can see you feel the same
I came on this forum wanting someone to give me the answer to stop the pain
But really there is no answer
We are all in the same boat
But hopefully we are here to listen and support each other
Sending my love
Xx

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No answers. No magic formula. No rights or wrongs. That’s the way of grief. It’s all consuming and completely unique to each and every one of us because of our special relationships with the ones we lose. However, coming on here and knowing others are going through the same feelings is a help to me and trying to help others actually helps too. I understand about the purpose too. Everything we knew ends so abruptly and that takes time to come to terms with and get through. keep coming on here and venting if you need to and know others all are going through similar to what you’re going through. Big hugs and lots of compassion. RedPoppy

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Dear lyndal

My husband died in a road traffic accident just over 6 months ago. We met when I was 18 and Ian was 17. Were together 42 years and married 38. Our 39th wedding anniversary is in two weeks. The build-up is starting to impact. Cannot bear to return to the house just drive round in the car trying to understand how our lives came to such an abrupt end. What was the point of working so hard towards a happy retirement and have it taken from us so cruelly. I spoke with my husband a few hours before the crash - we were laughing and joking, he was so happy - and then my world was destroyed in an instance when the police answered his phone. I knew the situation was bad as he was air-lifted to hospital but all the way to the hospital in the police car I prayed with all my heart that he would survive. My heart was ripped out that day and I merely go through the motions of trying to exist.

I have two adult children. Son lives local and has a baby son. Our daughter lives in the South East. I did not chose this life, do not want it, but continue to try and function as best I can for them. I cannot burden them with my feelings, they are struggling themselves. Since the funeral only have three friends who have continued to offer support but hesitate in telling them the full extent of how I really feel as they have family responsibilities themselves. I write letters to Ian every day telling him how I feel and how I miss him.

People on this site understand our grief and pain.

Take care. xxxx

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Lyndal and Jobar sending you both such love. Wish we could all meet up as lock down is loosening. My husband died suddenly of a brain hemorrhage 5 weeks ago. So sudden so painful and such a shock. Lyndal you must not apologise for off loading this is what this forum is for. Nothing comforts I know when it is so sudden and unexpected it doesn’t seem true. I was not here for my husband when the children could not wake him up and was unconscious and unresponsive when taken to hospital. I was staying with my mum helping her with ceiling. Makes you feel terribly guilty also. We all wish we could turn the clock back I would do anything for more time with George, I would never let him out of my sight. But hold on to the fact that the love you both have for your loved ones will live on and never perish. Hang on in there. Sending you both virtual hugs.
Juneie

Thank you so much. It’s nice to comments like this from someone who really knows how it feels.

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Thank you so much for your comments.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Dear juneie,
Thank for your lovely message of support. I am so sorry you too have suffered such a painful loss. Not being with our loved one when they die suddenly or unexpectedly adds guilt and a sense of unreality to the overwhelming sense of loss which accompanies death. It is a constant source of distress which I have not yet learned to manage and don’t believe I ever will. It’s so hard to comprehend how so many happy years together ends in one awful instant. I find it hard to explain just how deeply the shock affects every cell of my body but I know you will understand.
Like everyone here, you would give anything not to be on this forum but are grateful to have found it and be able to communicate with others living the same nightmare.
I’m thinking of you and your children and send a virtual hug back. X

Your message Jobar was a joy to receive. I’m sat outside the surgery waiting for my physio appointment. I am so moved by your touching message. Our loved one’s will never leave us Jobar. My son Joel appears to be coming out daily more an more like George. Thinking of you as you go through this unimaginable journey daily. Thanks for listening
Juneie

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Hi Lyndal. Only just read your post as I dont go on site very often as I find it quite upsetting. Like you I lost my Husband 11 months ago. Its now almost a year and all the firsts have been done. Unfortunately for us we have grieved in a pandemic without the love hugs and human contact that you need. I have felt if I have come through this I can do anything!!
I think I’m getting stronger although I still cry quite a bit. The miss is terrible as we were married for 47yrs I’m not liking living on my own but I tell myself there is nothing I can do about that. I think greiving is all about acceptance and I feel I am getting there in very small steps.
I’m waiting to meet widows widowers after this is all over by joining groups being with like minded people like me is going to be uplifting. I have lots of freinds unfortunately for me they all have there partners until they experience loss they realy dont understand it. My family and freinds have been amazing . The only person who can get me through this is me and acceptance.
Thankyou for allowing me to offload I’m obviously a lot stronger as I could not have written this even a few months ago.
Stay strong Lyndal you will get through it there is no other choice for us Life will become sweet again but different. Xx
Anne.

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Annie53
Your message is so very beautiful and it has truly encouraged me. To hear of your journey an light at the end of the tunnel gives me hope and an expectation that things will get better. Still painful but you have said a key word acceptance. It’s early days for me and cannot believe George is not with me It’s the loneliness but when we can get out an about more I’m sure it will ease the loneliness thanks for that Annie53

Morning Junele. Thankyou I hope I have given some sort of help. It has been a very hard journey for me as we dudnt have a funeral that my Husband being a Catholuc would have liked. He died on the 21st if March and lockdown came on the 23rd. I spent a long lonely 2months in the house without my children Grandchildren and freinds to console me. Even the funeral we were only allowed 6.
As I said if I can come through all if that them I’m sure I can do anything!! Aceptance is a good word because until then you are lost and wandering around.
If I can do this then anyone can. He was 12 yrs older than me and treated me like a princess and had a wonderful life together. I’m glad all the firsts are over all of them painful. We now have the spring summer and freedom very soon .let’s all thank Gid for what we had and what is to come. Inevitably there was always going to be one left alone. Thank God we had 50 yrs I feel heartbroken for couples that dont make that. Anne.

It is eight months since I lost my partner of 30 years. She was taken into hospital with an infected toe. She subsequently had a stroke. I was allowed to visit her and did so every day for nearly three months. She was on the verge of release from hospital to the local gp hospital,(she needed peritoneal dialysis and they refused to do it or let me do it for her). I was told that the transfer would not take place on the day I was expecting to visit her at the local hospital. I went the next day to the main hospital-each day was 100 mile round trip- to find that she had been allowed to fall and break her arm. This injury had not been treated. She subsequently had another bleed on the brain. I cannot get past the fact that this was occasioned by the fall. She came home and died within a week.
I function. I am a teacher posting work for pupils online during the lockdown. I have family and friends nearby who are marvellous. My life feels pointless and I miss her so much. Time is not diminishing the loneliness and pain.

Just keep telling it how it is. We understand the the pain and you can’t understand unless you’ve been through it. There is nothing like it. But you are seen and heard. Are you alone there with your grief? Is there anyone to hold you?

I feel the same way, I lost my lovely wife 19 months ago,and it gets harder each day,take care x

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Hi I don’t have the words to comfort you, still struggling with my sudden lost, someone told me, after you lose someone, it’s the first of everything that’s really hurts, Christmas, birthday ect, they were correct. 7 months on perhaps these feelings are something I’m going to have to live with. Hang in there my lovely :blush:

Thanks for taking time to reply. I keep telling myself how fortunate I am living in a lovely place with friends and family around but that is an intellectual appreciation which doesn’t really touch or mitigate the strange alternating feelings of flatness and anger at this stage, it may in time allegedly. Sincerely grateful for your empathy, and wishing you strength to get through this.

Your welcome, I moved to live near my sister, 10 years ago, we both retired 5 years ago and spent everyday together. She passed 17 days after a diagnosis of cancer. I was allowed to spend everyday with her in hospital and held her hand as she passed. I am so grateful for that time. I stay here to support her husband and two sons, as I promised her I would. There will come a time when I will move back, to be with my son and his family and watch my grandson grow up. I struggle to get out of bed some days, for me the lockdown as helped, as I don’t have to face people and put on a false smile. I hope that the passage of time will help you and that you will find some peace. :raised_hands::raised_hands:

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