Gay Widowers

I’ve been touched by the posts on this site and wish I’d found it earlier in my bereavement. When my husband died of cancer, my entire life changed. Friends were great to start with, but then some really close ones just stayed away. Grief affects all of your remaining relationships and some people find it difficult to cope with. I was offered counselling at the time, but it never amounted to much. That was two and a half years ago now. The thing I’ve learned- and I hope it’s helpful to anybody who reads this- is that the dead never really go away. If you’ve had a good relationship, it’s almost like you become a unit- not just two separate individuals. And that means that the relationship continues, even if one of you isn’t here anymore. I never expected for this to happen, but it has been a comforting revelation to me- that though he may be gone- I still have the relationship. They stay with you, they don’t leave you just because they aren’t physically with you. I just wanted to reach out- particularly at this difficult time of year- to say that it is hard to live with loss, but it is possible.

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But they not here and with you the way you want them to be here and with you. Knowing they’re near brings people comfort, and I know he’s been with me but I’m not ready for that yet.
I hope in time I start living again instead of existing.

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I’m sorry you’re struggling. It does feel like an out of body experience for a while. The world moves on and you think you’re the only person who knows what life is really about. The grief and loss doesn’t go away- you don’t ‘move on’. But you will find a way of accommodating the pain you have into your life. And it won’t feel like just survival, it will feel like living again. But it will be different. It will never be the same again. How could it ever be? There’ll still be days that you can’t believe what has happened to you, but they become fewer. It’s a horrible situation to be in, but, just from my own experience, I wanted to reassure you that it becomes deal-able with.

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That’s true lanri we two have now become one in a way always together forever x

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Thank you for your wonderful message :heartpulse:. I constantly talk to my husband, every decision, I have to believe he is with me, just on another level, one i can’t quite touch yet. Losing the love of your life is like being spliced, you become a half person. It’s like trying to walk again. It’s brutal, but you do it, his spirit holding you up :heartpulse:

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Yes it does sort of feel he is with me.
I keep expecting him to come and meet me like he used to. I write to him every day. Otherwise where does it go? Look at his image. Draw him as his face is so familiar.
Every Xmas and birthday I used to write him a poem so suppose will just still do it. When he was in hospital I Tel him and told him I missed him and can hear his voice saying glad to hear it so if he was glad then want him still to be glad even in my :heart:

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Hi @Ianri
I can empathise with this. I can’t imagine ever getting over the loss of my wife, yet part of me doesn’t want to. She passed away four months ago and, although it is still very painful, I am getting through the days and slowly establishing a “new normal” for me and the family. The new normal very much features my wife’s spirit though. Like so many on here, we had a very strong , loving , mutually supportive relationship. Any major decision I have had to make has been very much mulled over as if she was still with me - we were so similar in our outlook on life that I am confident I have made the same decision we would have arrived at collectively. Dare I say, it has almost become a bit of a catchphrase in our house - my (adult) kids often comment on something I have done, “Yeah, that’s what mum would have done” or “Mum would definitely approve of that”.
It’s a poor substitute for having her here with me, but does offer some small crumb of comfort and keeps me relatively grounded.

All the best
DWJ

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Hi there,
I’m sorry about the loss of your wife. I don’t think you ever get over the loss. Your life begins to accommodate the absence. I think my realisation is the same. We spent so long together that we became a new unit- bigger - and better- than the two individuals we once were. To lose your partner can feel like you’ve lost the use of your limbs. But actually, you find that you have known each other so well, that they have become a part of you. The dialogue you had when they were here continues still. I agree, it’s small comfort sometimes. But I also feel that my husband died and he absolutely loved life. He didn’t want to leave it. I still have that privilege. So I’m going to make the best of it that I can, because I know that’s what he’d want. It will be different, yes, and I miss that life together desperately- but, as in all things in this life, change is going to happen, even if you don’t want it to.

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