It has been 3 weeks now since i lost my wonderful wife to cancer…
We lost her mother to a heart attack caused by the shock of losing her daughter which she recovered from, but the she had cancer that she hadnt told anyone about.
This took her a week later…
For the first week or so i guess the shock the complete world turning upside down and all the paperwork etc, that i am still strugling with, somehow distracted me from what has happened…
I am now having a real hard time coping, im tending to stay in, dont fancy seing people and the tears flow regularly.
Ive been telling myself if i could have her back she would still have cancer and be in pain bed ridden with no life, so its cruel for me to wish for this…
If i could have her back pre cancer i would gladly give everything including my soul and life as she has so many good friends and her children, i have not so many…
I never noticed until now just how much she did for us all, she never made a song and dance about things she just quietly got on with things, she was so kind and selfless.
Hi Chris, it’s still early days for you. I’m now nearly 6 months down the line and although I still have dark days I am also now beginning to smile again. However, I do remember those early days and the utter devastation I felt! My husband also died of cancer after a very short illness! You are having to adjust to a completely new way of life. I had never lived on my own ever!! My husband dealt with all the paperwork in our house so having that to contend with on top of everything else was indescribable! I decided to set myself a task or two everyday! My brain wouldn’t let me take in too much. This really helped me not to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. Prioritise!! I’m sure you will find this site useful and supportive as I have. J x
Thank you.
I did say that to my father in law, do just 1 thing a day…
But i easily forget by myself and i look ahead at the inormity of whats to come!!!
@Ollie1 sorry for your loss. It is such early days for you. Just do whatever you need to get through the day and repeat. After a while you will realise that it’s not so all consuming although still incredibly sad. I’m 22 weeks on this journey and starting to feel like there may be a decent future ahead although not the one we wanted. Use this forum, it has and still is, a huge help to me. Take care
@Ollie1
Sorry for your loss
It’s very early days for you so you will be going thru all kinds of emotions.
You really do have to take it day by day & sometimes hour by hour.
It’s almost 10 weeks since my husband died
I feel very flat most days but the tears have dried up a bit. My GP has put me on antidepressants which I think are starting to kick in.
Some days I don’t want to do anything & others I find the strength to sort things on the house.
Take your time & always put you first.
I made the mistake of trying to please others last week & found it just made me angry.
Hugs
Thankfully i had been put on antidepressants after my mum passed away some 4 months ago now…
So i think they have stopped me from being completely inconsolable.
I had time with my wife to say our good byes and attempt to set things straight before she passed away, but it was only a month in the end when we thought we may have a year or two…
I cant even imagine the pain and anguish of not having been able to prepare for someones passing in some form or other even briefly.
@Ollie1
My husband died suddenly
Got up for work & collapsed about 7.30am
It was so traumatic
I relive it every day as I have to walk past where he died.
The crumbs of comfort are that it didn’t happen the week before (we were in Zurich) or he wasn’t actually driving to work.
I also got to have him at home afterwards for 6 hours so I sat with him as he was still warm & just loved him & held him.
People who lose someone in hospital don’t often have that length of time.
I know how you feel Chris. Its 7 weeks for me now, since my beautiful wife passed. I miss her evwry second, i have over 30 photos up. When people come around rhey think im crazy, i dont care ). I soeak to her all the time.
Im waiting for her to come and get me.
All of us are so sad on here, take care.
Im so sorry that it happened so quickly…
Well in a way its bad for us but good for our loved ones who dont have to suffer prolongued pain indignity anger and regrets…
We on the other hand have very little or no time to say all we need to, or at least say how much we love them…
My wife had cancer for about 2 years and we knew it would probanly end her life early so we could try to make arrangements… we didnt though thinking we would have plenty of time for all that stuff…
In the end my wife died within a month of going into myton for routine pain medication reviews…
I did have time thankfully to tell her all i wanted to and for her to speak to me about anything and everything…
I am sorry you only had a relatively short time for this…
@Nicenursenic 10 weeks for me too and was sudden and unexpected, as yours was. It’s the nights I am struggling with, they’re so hard.
Just wondering, has anybody on here had bereavement counseling, and does it help? I’m considering it.
I had counselling at Myton Hospice just prior to my wife passing away…
Im supposed to be being contacted by them soon i hope.
The counselling did help but more so for the occasional thing thats mentioned and the light bulb goes on in your head and you realise thats you!! i do or dont do that or i should try that…
It has to fit you and you need to be open to some difficult conversations…
Most of it we already know its just knowing how or when to use what strategy, or thought process… what is useful to uou or not, that msy be great for someone else…
Ive had councillors in the past and each different one has given me the lightbulb moment with at least one thing that i was having trouble with about myself…
I use this information to make myself better moving forward.
Yes I find evenings & going to bed very very difficult
I feel so lonely & vulnerable.
I’ve got an assessment on 26th for possible therapy but I believe there is a waiting list after the initial assessment.
I’m not sure it will help? I’m a mental health nurse so already know all about CBT.
I think it may do tho if only to get over the horror of that morning.
I’ll give anything a try to be honest.
I’m also on Sertraline 100mg but it’s not helped yet.
Hugs - I know how you feel
@Nicenursenic I get the lonely and vulnerable at night. I’ve barricaded my bedroom door twice. I’ve been thinking about getting a lock on the door and I’m going to look into CCTV, It takes me hours to get to sleep! I don’t like waking up to an empty bed either. We didn’t used to like having the dog on the bed but I don’t actually mind now. J x
We are all so sorry for all of this pain for all of us on here. The grief pain unites us i suppose.
For me, I have never been one for tablets or counseling. I may be making my life harder by not doing so, but I have always been one to get through this on my own, i very rarely ask for help, suppose thats a bad thing too.
I do find reading and replying to some messages on here helpful.
I, like all of us on here are struggling with the pain, I cant breath at times for panting and have no appetite. I keep trying to make my beautiful wife proud. Ive come to South Wales in our motorhome this week but the pain is immense.
Even with 3.5 years notice, its no where near enough, no where.
Ive sat and watched this sunset just now and cried and cried… a grown man, so sad
I check the door is locked over & over again.
I’ve got CCTV & Ring cameras & still I worry
Both my 2 dogs sleep on the bed with me - wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m super anxious tonight - don’t know why but sometimes it just grips me. I’m going to have some hot milk & watch TV in bed.
John, that really is a beautiful sunset, thank you for sharing,
I think you have been so brave travelling to South Wales in your motorhome, but I’m sure you’ve felt your wife with you, and she will be proud.
You are right, the pain of grief unites us all on this forum.
Enjoy your trip and take care.
I forgot to say earlier…
That messaging on this site has been helpful to me also.
It takes my mind off other grief stuff temporarily whilst im writing it and then reading and digesting replys.
It also unfortunately means i am not alone in what i am going through. although grief takes on many forms there will be another person unfortunately suffering in a similar way to yourself who will offer advice and support.
Im also guessing there will be people on this site from around the world and people like ourselves that dont sleep so well.
So if you need help or just a cyber chat there will be somone able to reply no matter what time it is…
Snap proof locks and card / drill proof locks offer some slight reasurance that no one will get into your house…
