Getting positive

Its been 3 months since I lost my wife. I’ve always been a positive sort of person. But as you can imagine my wife’s death knocked me for six. So after 2 months loads of support from family and friends. Month 3 they all seem to be getting on with their lives and not much contact unless I instigate it. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone so I have come to the conclusion that life is not going to wait for me to get back to living. I need to get back into life and move on. I know this might sound callous but the reality is I could spend the rest of my life miserable and lonely. I loved her and miss her every day but she wouldn’t want me to not enjoy the rest of my life. Hope this doesn’t offend anyone

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Hi
We have to do what’s right for us like you say friends family don’t really bother as much just over 3 months with me I was thinking the same not many people ring you anymore.

I read this and I am only starting week 2,

Hi Derek - I lost my husband of 40 years one year ago. Your attitude is not offensive to me. I realized very early on, that it was up to me to heal myself. I tried to do all the right things (as much as possible) . In the beginning that was only eating & sleeping. After awhile I realized I would have to go outside my comfort zone and make some friends (female) since I was entirely on my own. I have found some very supportive women. In month 5 I had to move which took a great deal of strength. It was a positive move, and I had to look at it as such, which was difficult. At some point, I realized I could still laugh, and do as often as possible. Nature & music have been so important in my healing process.
I still have a long way to go, but I’m willing to fight to find some peace and joy again. I still cry, but the tears will not wash away my sorrow, it is deeply rooted in me now and I am learning to live with it. Like your wife, he would want me to learn how to cope with this new life. He would not want me to be crying & sad all the time. He would want me to remember life is precious…

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hello Colin - I am sorry for your loss. It is so terribly overwhelming in the beginning. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You have suffered a terrible trauma. It takes its toll physically as well as mentally & emotionally. Make yourself eat, even when you have no appetite. Sleep as much and often as you need. Getting out in nature is soothing , as are children & animals. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to do so. . If you need help, don’t be hesitant to ask. Often people want to help, but don’t know what to do. I found the kindness of strangers to be overwhelming.
This forum is a good place to find compassion & understanding. None of us want to be here, but we are, and we understand what you are going through. You can safely speak freely of how you feel , or you can browse through the comments of others.
It’s a year today I lost my husband of 40 years. It’s been a very hard go, but I’m here and I am going to keep fighting to find some joy at the end of this tunnel…

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Hi Colin. Sorry for your loss. Week 2 wow thats hard. Like I said it’s a terrible time. Hope you have support family, friends etc. There’s no time limit to heal. You have to do what’s right for you. Good luck

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This is a lovely positive message. X

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Now how could that offend anyone? It’s a very positive post, and it does highlight how we all cope and manage bereavement in our own way.
No one can say anything is wrong or right in how we cope. It’s up to us.
People do move on. People who told me they would keep in touch have disappeared, but other kind folk have taken their place. There is no doubt about it that bereavement sure shows who your so called ‘friends’ are.
I have made some lovely friends on here and I am so grateful for their support. ‘Walk on’ Derek as Buddhists say. If we stand still in grief we can become rooted to the spot and never move on. I know many object to ‘moving on’ and say it’s impossible. Once again, it’s how we feel, but one thing I do know, not moving forward can cause more heartache and pain. Making the effort, although it does not stop the pain entirely, and what could do that, but it does give some hope, and hope is so important. Good luck.

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I am in a conflicted state, talking to my daughters, when Helen went initially to hospital for the virus, it was so fast, then her seesaw between recovery relapse to passing. All 4 (myself and 3 of the children) of us feel that the grieving happened, through the stages, to now. The reality, the accepted reality, or denial?.

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I had a similar experience. I was talking to my wife the day before she passed. She sounded fine ordering me to get some clothes for her. I wasn’t worried in the slightest. That’s the last time we spoke. By dinner time the next day it was the hospital telling me she had gone. I couldn’t comprehend or understand. I thought it was a joke. It is very hard to accept. Thinking of you

Hi. Colin. You raise an important point. We do need to face and accept what has happened. It’s mentally healthy to do so. Denial will perpetuate the problem and may lead to despair. It’s happened and as much as we would want to go back we can’t. Facing and accepting may sound harsh at the beginning and may seem impossible. OK, then leave it for later.
Now none of what I have said should make you feel I am minimising your pain, God knows I have been there. Accepted reality is good. Denial is not.
An old counsellor friend of mine said 'we have three drawers in our minds. One marked ‘for immediate attention’, another ‘for future reference’, and another marked ‘rubbish’. Any ideas we may have will fall into one of those categories. For you and your family at the moment it may be the second drawer. Week 2 is far to soon to be thinking about anything much other than putting things in order and feeling the pain. You have support from your daughters which is indeed a blessing.
My own experience has taught me much about myself and how I react.
Take care of yourself and those you love. Be kind to yourself as well as others. Blessings.

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Hi Derek I lost my husband of nearly 27 years in February… after a short confirmed illness. Didnt really have time to process it all… I didnt have much friends as I worked & lived 24hrs with my husband and kids … mum to 5 older kids. I’ve no mum she passed 2007, my dad remarried 4 yrs ago never been to close with him to share things… my 3 brothers have their own lives never bothered with me apart from ‘hi sis’ if I went to see them at my dads garage as they all worked for him…
My husband was from Cyprus so cant really talk to his family over there as I dont know enough to make a conversation. He has 4 sisters and a dad- who isn’t to well at the moment, but he didnt get on with my husband. but my husband always went out his way to help him and tried to search for his love…
I’ve only distant friends on facebook no one to actually open up to…
Sue Ryders bereavement councillor calls me but I find she is young about the age of my 3 rd child and I feel I end up counselling her some how… I try and get off topic with her… so I am keeping myself busy working with my son carrying on with my husbands business he was a self employed gardener- commercial type… it’s the only way I can chill… I think of him often… I mow the grass on our compact tractor with a tear sometimes but I feel hes watching me… we loved & cared for each other, I cant lie we did fight over things, sometimes quite seriously but we always made up and kept it to ourselves…
As for my kids it’s a hard one, my eldest daughter ran away at 18 left home shes 26 now we managed to phone her when my husband first got diagnosed in November he passed February so she only saw him a few times. she lives 3 hrs away south but she does help and call me regular she helped me sort all our flights etc to go and come back for husband funeral we get on ok. My 2nd-son he lives 3 hrs away north of me, he clashed with his dad and had a hard upbringing he gets on with me more… he trys to look out for me but he ends up fighting verbally with my younger son no3 who was told by his dad to run the business and alot of other stuff but he turns and gets nasty at elder son. Calling each other names. He blames me for not ringing him to say his dad was slipping away whilst he was at work. But my husband made me promise not to let the kids in to see him in his last days … he says I went and got his dad sedated but that was my husband’s own choice on the Saturday morning as he was in so much pain so Saturday afternoon it was administered… and monday 2.30 he passed sadly with just me and a family friend who had turned up … and then I’ve a 19 yr old and 16 girls… they love and bicker with each other.
I managed to bury my husband back in cyprus on the tuesday 10th march and the following monday we got stuck there in lock down due to covid… we managed to get back on 30th march last plane home after alot of stress whilst out there. Even then the Boys had a fight and then they kept apart after, so there was tension in air…
My older kids dont like my son’s girlfriend as she seems to take over a bit on things and because I’m trying to buy my council house with my husbands life insurance money (it was going ahead prior with my husband, in my sons name and with his dad to get a mortgage). that got cancelled due to hubby dying. So I will have to reapply in our names on the application as my husband wanted my son to be on the house deeds! but I’m having second thoughts as my son shouts things about me about it was my fault etc .and thinks it’s his as dad wanted it that way. so might put it just in my name for now!.. It goes against my husband but i’ve said to my son to move in with his girlfriend as she has a flat but he wont I think he frightened to commit to living alone I think… and so this winds the others up. So with covid I couldnt purchase the house yet…so still using money to pay rent … .I’m not entitled to benefits as I have his life insurance money in bank waiting to buy the house! We only started work last week as our main contracts were all closed so no income through business…I dont know whether to buy this house as it has sad memories, but I will have a good discount if I do but will be tied to it for next 10yrs with council rules .im 47 now. or I was thinking of buying somewhere in Cyprus and live my days there and be buried by my hubby!!.
I can go on and on… sorry but not an easy life at the moment… im in my own world… I’m independent girl always have been… so find help intrusive even writing on here it’s hard for me… I have lots to sort out … xx sorry for your loss and to everyone else … no way is easy … we all have our own tasks to deal with somehow… good luck all

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Hi Rachel. Well you are having a rough time. It’s bad enough losing your husband without all the other issues. I wish you
well for the future x

Dear Rachel, I am so sorry for all your suffering. You need to take time to grieve so could do without all the other complications in your life. I hope you feel better for just writing it all down on this site. Perhaps it’s time now to think of yourself Rachel and what you want to do. It’s a nice idea to move to Cyprus to be close to your husband and great that you’re independent. Your kids are grown so do what you want to do. . Someone once wrote ‘Children can be a blessing or a curse - problem is we are hardwired to love them unconditionally.’ How very true. Although you love them all maybe to distance yourself wouldn’t be a bad thing. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision. Take care. Sending love xx

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hi Rachel
As if losing your husband wasn’t enough.you have to step back,think very carefully and do what you think is best for you.As thats the most important thing.from reading your post theres no way you can please all your children,which is sad but its them who need to grow up and appreciate each other.the one accusing you of not telling you about his dad is wrong so damn wrong ,im thinking you need to tell them all,how you feel,they should have a good idea already,that how they are acting is not helping you ,but making you more stressed.i agree with Kate,they are grown up they can look after them selves.please do what is best for you.i hope you find a way to look after your self.
take care stay safe and dont be guided by your children.
I pray you find the inner strength to do whats best for you.

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Hi Rachel
I am in a similar situation , my husband died on the 18th April in Malta and I managed to get a repatriation flight on the 27th April back to the UK. I am having issues with both my grown up children, my daughter insists that I have to live with her and help with her house. However I also am considering living in Malta, I have decided that once the government relax the rules in July I am going out to Malta if possible to spend a little while there and see how I feel out there, if I feel more comfortable and a little more at peace there then I will make the move to be nearer to my late husband. So I know roughly how you are feeling it is not an easy decision but it is important that we look after ourselves and even put ourselves first. My husband and I both put our children first, but now I realise that they are not really considering me and my feelings, and I need a life of my own wherever I am. So Rachel I hope you are able to find some peace so that you are able to grieve in your own way, but please take care of yourself and think of yourself

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Thanks for your experience, I thought wed all be closer together when their dad passed as he had traditional ways where I was more laid back but my no3 child is the one kicking off and they wind each other up… moving abroad is something I would like but I would need an income plus I have issues over there to sort out to! As my husband was left land and his dads house was in his name also so dont know whether I’ve got to separate it all now as my husband was married previously with a son, who my husband was disappointed with as he simply ended up In jail… and as far as I know still is… but apparently Turkish Cypriot laws say hes entitled to what ever my husband owned… but my husband didnt want him to have anything sadly he didnt do a will and only hand wrote something up quickly before going to the hospice but it doesn’t hold in Cyprus… so I’m worrying to sort that to aswell…
With covid I cant get anything sorted so it’s all got to wait…
I’m so mad that kids dont have a respect for anyone or thing… we dared to speak when we were kids… it’s sad we are both being treated like this… I love them all but they drive me mad and I dont want to shout back as things escalate from that…
I may stay here and plod on… wait and see

I feel so sorry you and Rachel’s predicament. It’s bad enough losing your loved one but to have conflict with family must be devastating. I personally had a lot of support from family but as I posted most of them have gone awol. Just my step son and his family are supportive. I childmind for their children whom I’m still Grandad. Its a blessing which keeps me going. Best wishes to you both and hope all turns out well x

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I don’t know how you all feel about this. But I have a reading with a very professional medium on the 8th July. She’s well respected in the medium world and is not cheap. But a message from my wife would mean the world to me. I know that some of you are saying it’ may not real but reading testimonials from her is comforting and hopefully will be comforting for me. I will repost my reaction after the event. Best wishes to you all

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Hello Derek. I doubt anyone on here will say anything detrimental about you seeing a Medium. I went to a Medium about 5 months after my husband passed away. I can honestly say it was the most amazing experience and I am so glad I went. The lady had a shop selling spiritual items and the room was just to the side. As soon as I walked into the shop my eyes were immediately drawn to an ornament of a red classic mini with a union flag roof, just like the one I used to drive. In the driver’s seat was a figure of a man which looked just like a caricature of my husband. I said nothing before going into her little room. I had told her nothing about me, not even my name. The things she said were incredible. I have goosebumps just typing about it. I came out sobbing uncontrollably so be prepared Derek. Needless to say I did buy the red mini ornament.
Yes, there may be many sceptics about but they haven’t suffered the heartbreak that we have so who are they to judge. I hope you get as much from your visit as I did from mine. xx

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