Glad Xmas is over

Just got home after being at my mums for Xmas. Xmas day was awful just missing my husband so much I went up cemetery 3 times Xmas day just cried and cried. Boxing day we got invited to my friends and had a meal and played a game all the time I was putting a brave face on not wanting to make everyone feel sad but inside I just wanted to scream. Coming into a cold dark house was awful just reminded me of everything I’m lost. I’m just sitting in the dark with tears rolling down my face I’m so unhappy how is it possible to feel so alone and scared of the future. Not looking forward to 2022 just feels like I’m going further away from Jim instead of saying he died this year it will be he died last year.
I’m just done a memory tree for Jim with angel’s and some of his favourite things on it I’m called it jims tree and I can add to it as time goes on.

8 Likes

I want you to know that you are not alone…there are many of us tonight sitting in the dark, not understanding at all, how we are here without our beloved. I strongly believe that your Jim will be drawn towards his memory tree as he watches over you. Whatever brings you comfort, grasp it and hold on tight…his love will keep you strong; you are so loved and that is all that really matters, to love and be loved. Sending you peace, big hug :rainbow: xx

7 Likes

Xmas has been a fog, friends and family have been kind and left presents but I don’t know which is which my mind is all over the place and I feel so emotionless, today I walked out in the rain just to get some feeling of something and I wonder if it is always going to be like this, I feel I’ve become like a mindless zombie, now I’m dreading new year love and hugs to everyone

5 Likes

Misprint I completely understand how you feel about going into 2022- I too feel that I’ll be leaving my darling Sunny further behind me. Up til now it’s been the case that I saw him this year- in 2022 the new reality will be that I won’t have seen him since “last year”. I really hate it all- I miss him just as much as ever and nothing has got any easier in that respect. I love the idea of your memory tree and I will think about doing something similar for me and Sunny.
Christmas has been quite tough- surrounded by family couples and I feel so lost and alone without my best friend and confidante beside me.
Let’s all hope for better times in 2022 x

5 Likes

I totaly understand what you say i lost my wife marie june this year so this was my first christmas without her for 44 years i went to my daughters christmas day watched my grandson open persents had a late dinner came home to empty home scrolled messages i have on my phone from my wife, i talk to her i know her spirit is with me then sometimes i shout out WHY is she gone its not fair, the tree is beauiful by the way.

6 Likes

Thanku for your kind words. I find writing my feelings down on this site is helping me a great deal knowing I’m not going through this on my own is a great comfort. Thanks everyone God bless all of us.

3 Likes

I was given a great deal of support and kindness on my journey of loving and caring for my lovely husband in life and after his death. Being able to tell our story has helped me so much. Listening is understanding x

3 Likes

It is exactly what i think too. I do read the last messeges i received from my husband.

Hugs

1 Like

Feeling low as first Christmas without my partner. Just so pointless, pretending to be happy and now people having to cancel visits due to covid. Feel like they’ re using covid as an excuse as Christmas with me is no fun without Russ. I feel like so long as I’m looking after mum no one else has to bother and the reason Russ died is because I moved in with mum to look after her. He hated being alone although we were just a few doors away he felt I’d left him. I miss him so much. Living with someone who has Alzheimer’s is lonely and tedious, mum doesn’t love me but Russ did - he knew me inside out and I find life without him loveless and sad. He had many flaws but loved me unconditionally and I have many flaws and love him unconditionally too. I just want him back so much and can’t see any point in life other than being a carer for mum. No one else needs me and yes I’m being selfish and morbid - I just want his arms around me again and knowing I can never have that feeling again is killing me. Trying to find reasons for living , my children and grandchildren my mum my dog - they’ve got to be enough I love them but they don’t need me in their lives, I’m just a worry for them. Maybe :thinking: m a bad person, I don’t think I am and try not to be but maybe I can’t see it. Trying to be what others think you should be is hard and not always the best way to be and always something I have been unable to be. I am me and Russ loved me for being me he didn’t want me to change and I don’t think I am going to. I think he wants me with him and maybe I will be soon it is probably the best place to be.

4 Likes

I don’t know your story but i am sure he did mot died because you moved to look after your mum.
Be gentle with yourself, yes it is easier say it than do it.

But don’t blame yourself. You have family they would need you and love you. It is incredible how much a mum influence her children life. Believe you are lucky having a family.
Regards
Devi

2 Likes

Hi Mand3. Your message is deeply moving. I went through a very dark, dangerous place in my head a year or so ago. It was a totally different situation to yours, but the feelings you express mirror my own at that terrible time. For a long time I felt my life had no meaning. I don’t have any children, but I do have a large and loving family. It sounds as though you do too. My family didn’t realise what I had gone through until I told them, their love and support have brought me back to myself and I now know they need me around and appreciate me as much as I need and appreciate them.
You’re not a bad person, to me you sound like a saint. I bet your family think so too.

4 Likes

Hi @Mand3,

I’m so sorry to hear about your partner, Russ, and understand that the Christmas period can be especially difficult. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

    • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
    • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
    • If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve care and support so please get in touch with one of these services.

Take care,

Becca

Thanks for your kind messages.

3 Likes

Yes I sit in the dark too. I spent xmas and Boxing Day at my son’s house along with the grandkids it was okay managed to get through the weekend but coming back home to as you say cold and empty house just hits you in the guts. I will be on my own tonight not looking forward to bringing in the new year on my own. Maybe we should all raise a glass :tumbler_glass: to everyone that has lost a love one this year

8 Likes

Hello Mand3.

I’m so sorry Mand3. I lost my Husband 5 years ago. He appeared fit and healthy. It was my Mum who was the frail and elderly one yet Mum was still here up until 9th December and we had her service today. Two years after my Husband passed away Mum was told she had moderate Alzheimer’s. It’s desperately mentally and emotionally hard. I felt bereft before she passed away. We’d suspect she’d deterioate at some point but to a degree was in denial. There is a lot of guilt and regret. At some stage you could have a breakdown. Other family members won’t appreciate what strain you are under till you have snapped. The thing is, you could have 20 carers a day to do whatever practicalities you need but it means nothing as the help you need (in my case) was emotional. You are not mean, morbid, selfish etc etc, it’s a big deal and you deserve support. I was grieving my Husband at the same time and everything gets on top of you. Love to you x

2 Likes

Thank you Tina. So sorry you’ve now lost your mum and sad that your husband passed away too soon, before your mother. Yes tonight was quiet, just me and mum who’s not aware it’s New Year’s Eve. Unfortunately I don’t feel like celebrating the end of such a difficult year or the starting of a new one as it’s still so painful. My mum loved Russ - he’d always make her laugh and would spoil her even tho he found her illness hard to deal with on a daily basis; sad but so annoying and irritating too, especially since she is in many ways no longer “mum”. I know death is just a natural stage of all life and we should cherish each and every living moment and I’m just hoping that some peaceful form of acceptance will take seed and grow and comfort all of us still struggling with the loss of those we love. Wishing you happiness in the year to come.

3 Likes

Thanlyou for replying, hope today is kind to you.

1 Like

I too made a memory tree for my Bill. I was not going to bother with a Xmas tree but our autistic son really wanted one so got a smaller one. Bought some crystals in his memory and put those on the tree with a card I got from the prostate memorial people. Today I watched the New Years Day concert from Vienna which we always used to watch. Bittersweet memories. I cried. Yesterday I met our youngest son and 6 year old granddaughter in town to buy her some shoes. I had to wait for them as they were running late. Standing there alone the tears just kept coming. Some days I just don’t want to go on without him and look for ways to end it all. Life is so empty and without meaning. We still had so many plans. The only thing I am grateful for is that he is without pain now but want to be with him. Love and strength to you all. X

4 Likes