Since socialising with a few friends last weekend, unusually so, I have been having a really difficult time. Gradually, since a few weeks ago people seem to have abandoned me, which is why I accepted an invite out last weekend. I now seem to have resorted to the person I was at the beginning of this awful journey. I cry constantly, get stomach aches so don’t want to eat and really can’t see anything positive ahead. It has been just over 5 months since I lost Keef, we had been together for nearly 44 years and married for nearly 43 years. He was only 63, my toy boy I often said as I am 2 years older. It’s just not fair. I really don’t know what I should do.
I think weekends are the worse @Guineapig65 because everybody doing there own thing and they bloody seem to forget about us poor bloody bereft people ! Im disgusted at some of my family ! All they care about is their bloody selves !!! Im sorry … it just makes me cross ! They forget they still got the support from their partners !!! We havent !!! One day at a time honey xxx
Exactly, so called friends abandon me when I have told them how difficult weekends are, I lost my Keef on a Saturday evening. Thank you for being so understanding, this site has really been a godsend. xxx
I know people dont listen do they ? You tell them its tough and they just shut their ears ! Well lot of people in my family do anyway ! What’s wrong with people ? Counsellors say reach out to people … but there’s not much point in reaching out if nobody listens is there ? It makes me so mad xx
This is such a weird place to be in and people do not understand things. Thank you xx
No they dont do they ? I wish they would at least try xxx
I think people can not truly understand the enormity of what we are going through unless they have been there themselves. Fortunately for them, none of my friends have, so they can say they know how I feel, but they can’t possibly. They also have no understanding of what it is like to spend so much time on your own, when you really don’t want to. That is why this website is such a good support. Just a phone call from a friend at the week-end would be good - but they all have their lives to get on with and they forget about us.
Yep thats so true … but its not good enough is it ! Its very poor … some people do try to empathize but others, just shut their eyes to it ! Xx
My dear @Guineapig65 - I am so sorry Keef has died and you are going through such a difficult and hard time. Five months since he died - what a long way you have travelled and how strong you have been, my friend. For others, life just goes on after someone dies, but for us, fellow grievers like you, without their partners, life as we knew it, has gone and time seems to stand still.
You felt it was right to socialise last weekend and you did it - which is brave and strong. Feeling back to square one, sadly, is all part of grief - where time means nothing. I am nearly 19 months in, now, and the feelings, while less intense, can rush in and overwhelm, at no notice. Take it slowly, be gentle on yourself as you have had a terrible shock in his loss - 44 years is a heck of a long time to be with someone and that gap he left behind must be huge.
But also huge, unbreakable, permanent, is his love for you that reaches beyond death. I have found that my late husband Tom remains with me, in my heart and head, and all around me, cheering me on as I take the next step, then the next and the next. I have talked to him a lot, that helps too.
So try, if you can, to make a few arrangements for the upcoming weeks. Things for the diary, with friends. The time has come for you to gently suggest walks, coffees, lunches, etc with those who have walked alongside you and for whom life hasn’t changed that much. I reckon Keef would be so happy to see you take this next step and that you will feel him close by. Loads of love, keep going, it does get more easy to bear as the months roll by and that doesn’t mean that love diminishes - it only, oddly, grows stronger. Hold tight, your friends here will never abandon you x
Thank you so much. I do feel that he’s with me all of the time and I do still talk to him or message him. There’s so much I want to say to him and trying to explain that to my friends is difficult. Meeting up with people on a one to one basis I find a lot easier and I regularly see my sisters, son, daughter and one close friend, but it’s dealing with big groups which seems to phase me. I’m very shy, I suppose probably a bit Asperger’s, so have always found social interaction a bit difficult.
It’s still baby steps and so I have a few things planned over the next few weeks. Once a month I go to a group at the local church for people who have suffered a bereavement and have found it very useful. I have also planned a celebration of Keef’s life in a few weeks. This is going to be at my house where I shall be laying on food and drink so that we can all remember him, the main reason for doing this is that the burial thingy took place in March on a very wet and windy day.
Getting a couple of cats has certainly helped, it just looks like I’m a mad lady talking to her cats all day rather than a mad lady talking to herself! I think/believe that this site has helped me enormously over the last few months and it’s so good to know that I can talk to people here who really understand.
Hello there, @Guineapig65 - you are doing really well and the party for Keef sounds an excellent idea. I did one for Tom, the day after the first anniversary of his death and that worked really well. We understand on here, my friend and I know your comments and posts are helping me and loads of others. We go together, we stick together and we care about each other. Loads of love, your friend, Vancouver
Do you do journalling @Guineapig65 ? Get a nice notebook and write love letters or even just tell him things you have done. I do it all the time. It does help you know xx my neighbour just mentioned my husband … oh dear got me crying again - wish he was here xx
I do actually have a notebook which I have been writing in since that dark day when Keef first went into hospital in January this year. I sometimes look back at what I have written and can see that I have improved slightly, although do still have a lot of dark days. Thank you Deb5 and Vancouver for all of your kind thoughts, better go and let the cats out of the kitchen now. Gail (Guineapig is the nickname Keef gave me because I sound like a guineapig when I laugh!?)
The nicknames will stay with us. I was always pudding or spud. I even had a car licence one ss05 pud.
@Deb5 I think people are really insensitive to what we are going through, I try talking to my daughter about him, he wasn’t her dad, unless you have been through something so devastating they can’t seem to see it through our eyes, and no we’re not ok and never will be again, our world ended when we lost our beloved
I know people might not exactly understand but they still need to show compassion ! I have had such little compassion off some people ! I dunno how people can be so mean sometimes ! These are the the same people who you can bet your bottom dollar if it happens to them they will be screaming from the rooftops !!! Xxx
It is good that you have 2 cats, they are not alone. I too talk to my last cat, Tammy. - My brother died in February 2022 and his cat Tommy died in December 2021. His cat Jack died in July 2022. My cat Fluffy (the mother) died in March 2022. - Tammy is outside most of the time at the moment, she has a fox as a friend. He comes for his/her food every day. I just wish Tammy would cuddle me every day. I am not the #1 any more, the fox is. The fox looks like the one I used feed last in 2021 at my house. - All my foxes where called Ray. - It started some years ago when the son of my neighbour brought home a little fox (Ray), a farmer had shot the mother. The neighbour raised the fox and I took over feeding him every day when she moved house.
Cuddle your two cats for me. - Nick
These two creatures are very recent additions to my home. We had always had cats since I first went to work in 1981. First we had Spike, a female dark tortoiseshell, followed a year later by Lucy, a beautiful silver tabby who was the best cat in the world ever who sadly had to be put to sleep when she was 15. Spike disappeared after I had my second child, she was very jealous. When the kids were a bit older we got them a cat each but this time two boys, Oscar and Wolfgang. Oscar was very nervous and disappeared after a few years but Wolfgang stayed with us until he was 20. By the time Wolfgang left us he had no teeth and only three legs! That was back in 2017 and so it’s taken me this long to get more. It does help having something/someone to talk to and also having someone to look after. The house may not be as tidy as it could be and there is much cat hair about, but it’s a better place now and helps me deal with the huge hole I have in my life. Oops I’d better go as Elphaba, the tortoiseshell named after the main character in Wicked, wants my attention.
We had cats. First diesel and shadow, pip, tramp, laurel and hardy, amber and Noble and then heather. If I felt I could look after a cat I would get one but at the moment I am still trying to work out how to look after me. Maybe later as I love cats.
Cant you get a rescue cat @Nick22 … one that needs a home … maybe an older cat ? They would really appreciate that you know ? And be good for you too Xx