Going Backwards

My husband Carl died suddenly on July 2nd. I regularly post on here and my emotions and experiences of grief mirror so many of you. Carl and I were inseparable, best friends and loved our life since retiring early in 2015, when we were both 55. We felt so lucky, living the dream, moving to Cornwall from Birmingham and travelling a lot. Then tragedy hit when Carl collapsed in the gym from a heart attack whilst I was in the pool next door. I have since come back up to Birmingham to stay for 6 months or so to be close to my sister and friends. I thought I was coping reasonably well, yes, crying every day, missing him constantly but I was sort of ok. Then a few days ago, it’s as if I’ve been transported back and the grief is immense. I now cry for hours, can’t see a future for myself without my lovely Carl and think about our life and all the years I may have ahead of me without him. I get flashbacks of seeing him on the floor of the gym, watching the paramedics doing their utmost to save him. I hear my voice shouting to him to come through. It’s so scary.
Am I normal? Is anyone else feeling like this? I know people say grief comes in waves, but are they always the size of a tsunami? I’ve registered for More Than Words with Cruse, but it hasn’t started yet. I joined the local leisure centre a few days ago to try and join Tai Chi and Relaxation classes and I’ve spoken to the Local walking group, but afterwards felt panic, like I was guilty of walking away from our old life. I don’t even want this new one. I just know I have to do something. I know I’m rambling on now, I’d just like to know if others are feeling the same or similar.
Thanks and lots of love

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As it’s less than ten weeks since my wife died I’m hardly an expert but I’ve joined loads of different things and I have found that talking and listening to as many different people as possible, and trying to hide my emotional baggage, is a good way of distracting myself for periods of time. I would suggest joining groups which have potential for interaction and discussion. Maybe in time the periods of distraction become longer. I think Tai Chi and Relaxation groups will have a different purpose and may lead to more introspection but may have therapeutic benefits. Sometimes just walking alone in a quiet place is better than just sitting and grieving. I think that despite its heavy weight grief is quite portable so I’ve decided to carry it round with me. Once or twice I’ve almost forgotten it’s there.

Thank you. The walking group may be good for discussion too as it’s quite a large group. I think distraction is good. The reason I chose Tai Chi and relaxation is to try and reduce the anxiety I’m suffering, but I agree that interaction with others should help too as I’m usually a sociable person. Thx again. X

I’ve walked with the same group for years although that became infrequent during the period of my wife’s illness. Just when I need them most I have a knee problem which means I can’t manage the distances they walk. I’m desperate to get back to being able to join them so I try and walk every day, gradually building the distances walked. It’s not just the walks I miss it’s the company and the variety of conversations. It probably won’t happen straight away for you but I’m confident it will be a great help for you.

That’s reassuring to know. The leader has just texted me with their details too. They seem very friendly and all ages, which I think is good, as the conversations should be varied. I’ll let you know how it all goes. And maybe I won’t cry, you never know!!
Love xx

Hi. I lost my partner of 24 years in September and finding grief overwhelming at the moment…lilypetal.

So sorry for your loss.
It’s 16 weeks tomorrow for me. We should have been travelling to the airport too, ready for a big holiday to Thailand on Tuesday. We had been talking about it the weekend before Carl died, planning what we were going to do and see. It was our favourite place. I’ve cried most of the morning so far, as I have the last few days. I miss Carl so much. We were so close, only needed each other. He was my whole world. Xx

I’m sat in my daughters lounge at the moment and her three sons are busy playing and laughing. Their grandmother loved it here and I’m sure she would be pleased that they are just as boisterous as ever. I’m just so sad that she isn’t here with them. I wish I didn’t feel resentful.

It’s 18 months since my partner of 34 years was killed in a road collision. I too thought I was doing OK, went for a week/ten days without crying. Then as if someone pulled the rug out from under me, here I am back at square one again.

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