Going down hill

Good morning all, it will be 4 months on March 13 since I lost my lovely Pete. I thoughI was making progress because for the first 6 weeks I didn’t sleep more than an hour or 2.
Then I started sleep 4 to 6 hours and did feel that I could cope a little better. But now I’ve started waking up again usually between 4 and 5 and can’t go back to sleep so I’m exhausted.
A lot of stuff going round my head and this is the only place I feel comfortable sharing those things because unless youve been through this traumatic time I don’t think you would understand.
Everyone around me says I’m doing really well and they think I strong bit I’m not.
I lie here and think about how happy we were, we really had a perfect life.
I get extremely upset when I think 6very personal stuff like the way every night Pete would say “come here you where you belong” and I always fell asleep with my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat.
How did that heart just suddenly stop? :broken_heart:
I think about the smell of him, I loved to breathe in the smell of his skin, I think about his big strong arms around me and how he always made me feel so safe and secure. I think about his beautiful blue eyes, his hands and the dimple in his chin.
These are things I can’t say to people around me, I love that man so very much and my life is dark now without him.
Sorry for rambling on but I just had to get this out.
Muldool

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Awwwwww, Muldool, you’re not rambling at all. You’re just remembering your lovely man and the love you shared.

You sounded so happy and content together and to have that snatched away so suddenly is truly heartbreaking.

It’s over a year now since I lost Ian but what I wouldn’t give to have him walk through the front door again, smiling like he always was and give me a big bear hug and a kiss. Then we’d prepare a meal together and he’d always, always make me laugh.

I suppose the only thing we can think is how lucky we were to know love like that. Sometimes I’m sad at the memories, sometimes I smile…

Your love for Pete (and his love for you) shines through every word you have written.

I will love Ian until my dying day. You will be the same with Pete. Our love for them is no different now, in fact it feels stronger. The only difference is they are not physically here now.

4 months is such a short time. Your loss and trauma are so recent. I’m not saying time heals, it does not. But hopefully you will feel ever so slightly better in time (in terms of sleeping etc)

I totally understand how you are feeling. It’s a long and difficult road.

Sending love and hugs

Janey xx

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Thank you Janey, you are so right and I’ve had quite a few people tell me that they have gone through their lives and never experienced love like that so I know I’m very lucky to have had Pete in my life for 5 years.
I am very glad I got to know what true love feels like, I just never wanted it to end.
Muldool x

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Same here Muldool. Everyone tells me how well I am doing but they don’t know the real story and how I am inside. They just see the front we put on.
I’ve been sleeping well but last night was awake a 3 am and like you all thoughts running through my head.
We must try and focus on how lucky we were to experience such love it’s just so hard sometimes.
Sending love xx

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Hi all just like to say that the things I’ve read on this and other conversations are exactly how I’m feeling ,it’s been 7 months since carole died and there is a day or more like an hour goes by that my thoughts are of carole and what we would have been doing or of memory’s of what we have done. I like yourselves have a broken sleep pattern and try to do things to tire myself out but doesn’t seem to matter I still wake 3,4 in the morning.
Everyone be kind to yourselves and take care on this long
and lonely road.
John

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Hi Muldool.

Several of the things you said struck a chord with me. Jo’s been gone just over four months now and for a while like you I couldn’t sleep but then I began to feel that whilst never really getting over her loss I was coming to terms with it and cried less and slept better but lately it seems like this griefs started at the beginning again. I can’t sleep and I’m back to feeling extremely sad all the time. The weeping has started again as well. As you say friends and family believe I’m coping well because I’m selling our house and moving to a small flat with all the arranging and paperwork that that entails so what they see is me supposedly dealing with all that, so I must be ok. But I’m not, not really. Many things I post on here I wouldn’t say to them and often feel that I’m not sure what I would have done without this site. The only people that truly understand are ones that have experienced it and so I’m totally comfortable with posting anything on here as I know I’ll only receive support. By the way I described something on here once as my ramblings but it’s not its just us all putti g down what we’re thinking and that’s just fine. My best wishes to you.

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I too feel you have all described how I feel. Our love does not stop because our soulmates have died. We cherish it more. But others see us putting one foot in front of the other we must be okay. We are living life. But we are not. If they only realised how much energy it takes to do that. Thinking of you all x

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