Thank you it’s my wedding anniversary tomorrow and my wife birthdays Saturday she will be 62 my birthday in 4 days. What else can try to destroy me.
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It’s hard isn’t it 
it was our 33rd wedding anniversary 2 days after Bry passed . It was such a shock & whirlwind it didn’t hit home on that particular one x
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@Dave1162 I am also struggling with ‘firsts’. First time I went to a special place, first anniversary of a special day (FB memories is a blessing and a curse!). I long for the day these things make me smile and remember. At the moment all they are doing is tearing my heart out. I sat on a train and thought ‘I must be the unhappiest person on here. I must look like the weight of world is on my shoulders’. Then I thought that there were hundreds of people on that train. There is no way on earth I was the only person suffering. All of us sitting there, looking out the window, looking at our phones, pretending to sleep and praying that nobody speaks to us or we will burst into tears and give them our life story!!! I honestly can’t feel any worse some days, but I have to work, cook, clean and look after a family - when all I want to do is lie down, go to sleep and never wake up. Last night I begged for him to come and get me but the so-an-so didn’t!!! Please accept this virtual hug and know that there are so many of us out here who feel like you do xx
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Thank you very sweet. I can’t see a day that will not fill me with guilt. I spent 53 years as half of a partnership now just emptiness and pain. It will not get better not for me with all the platitudes it will not.
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Sending huge hugs . I ask Bry every night & every day to come and get me. I cannot take this heartache. Yes there are hours in a day where I pretend I’m not bad but inside I’m screaming, my heart is racing & my stomach churning xx 
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@Dave1162 I know. Platitudes mean nothing. Nothing anyone says stops the pain. I still can’t believe it is true and want to wake up for it all to have been a dream. Who knew it could feel so bloody awful???
@Dave1162 @Dublingirl @PollyjaneW
Every day I hope I will see some improvement but no. People say 8 weeks is early but like you guys , I really don’t want to be here. Pretending whilst at work is exhausting and just makes me more upset when I can let go. I never thought life could be so cruel. I desperately want to be positive but just can’t.
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My day consists of waking up sit till bed that’s it I can’t go out everywhere I look I see couples our age and it hurts so I stay in. If I go out I feel guilty all the time I can’t stop it. I will never be happy again not till we meet.
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Mine too stay in bed as long as I can . I’ve been out a couple of times to the shop when I’m desperate for something but that’s it, it’s too painful & like you say you feel guilty too I’m just existing waiting for my day , I pray that I can go quick like Bry & as soon as possible x
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Same here everything sorted legal wise I just hope she call me soon good luck
Oh I hope so
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Hello
I really don’t like to see posts like the previous ones it really upsets me.
I think I can safely say that I know what I’m talking about as I have been on this journey four years and felt just like anyone else in those early days. Probably for a couple of years but I never gave up on myself. When something became too hard to cope with I made myself face up to it. Dave you won’t want to hear what I am saying and will call it a platitude I expect but so many people go through exactly what we have or are going through and have survived and I kept telling myself this. Now I know for sure that although we never forget we can have a life again. You will feel alone and desperate but I seriously hope that you will find the strength to carry on.
Good luck xxx
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I am trying I have 2 sons and 8 grandchildren and i will have a really pissed off wife if I don’t do it. You are right.
Many thanks
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Hello Dave
I’m sure you will do it Dave. Everything seems a complete overload in those early days and you was with your wife for so many years. Your heart has been ripped out and you are broken but give yourself time and you will start to mend again and those 8 grandchildren will surely give you a lot to think about. Don’t try to rush yourself and let your life return as and when you are ready. Don’t be afraid of those tears they act as a release valve and believe me when I say you will smile gain and even laugh. Your life is not over but you do need time to start to heal a little. Above all do try to go out, even a short daily walk will help.
Take care of yourself.
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Thank you
I will never laugh I will never smile I hate myself for being alive. I will not move on or find peace ever but I appreciate your kindness
Dave
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I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s so hard to believe that you will ever smile or laugh again, I remember feeling guilty for laughing or smiling because I thought it made it look as if I wasn’t sad anymore. I’m always carrying that underlying sadness & I always will do but it is possible to find things that make you smile, particularly for me things that I know Derek would find funny or sometimes I can hear his voice in my head with his quick witted remarks. I suppose what I’m trying to say I had to allow myself to feel happy without the guilt of thinking I shouldn’t be. This all takes time & even though you know deep down it’s a life you don’t really want to live, for me it’s the only way of carrying on & as I’ve said before slowly the smiling overtakes the crying 
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@Pattidot
Thank you. I needed to hear this today. I’m usually positive but have taken a step back the last two days and it was nice to read this message.
I’ll get back on track but today has been tough!
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Dave…I’ve read all the posts…I feel as you…the parallels are close…lost my Sandie in January this year to a brain tumour after a short illness. We were married 48 years an together over 50…but we have two grown up kids and two grand kids to think of. I couldn’t put them though anymore of this…despite the fact I don’t want to be here feeling like I do. But I firmly believe me and Sandie will be together again one day…so that makes me keep looking for a way forward. Not found one yet but I’m trying coz Sandie would want that…last thing I need is an argument when we finally meet again. It’s the hardest thing I will ever do…that’s for sure…but in the meantime…I’m still on one day at a time…for as long as that takes. I’m having Councelling…maybe that is where you go next. Best wishes mate 
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