Hi @Dave1162
I think it’s really important that we can say that we feel this way, here, where many of us have felt, and still do feel somedays, that there is no point. In the ‘real’ world people are quick to panic and I understand why. However, as someone pointed out to me early on, there is a big difference between not wanting to live and wanting to die. Somedays it’s hard to feel the difference. Believe me I get it. Why would we feel any different in the rawness of all of this?
I won’t pretend I’ve found the point yet but every time I’ve thought I couldn’t take it anymore and I stop looking for a reason, something appears and pulls me back. Now that might be a lone bird singing, or a friend suddenly pull in beside me at a car park at a random place they just happened to be passing and saw me, or a deer stops implausably close OR, I log into this app and the first post I see is someone like you Dave. And it makes me think that I’m not alone and that there must be a way we can help each other.
And as a result…we’re still here and there HAS to be be a reason for it. I choose to believe it’s Martin who’s carrying me through.
So, even the most desperate of posts can help someone Dave. Keep that in mind.
Thanks
We moved out of London as the lockdown started we never had the chance to make friends we both don’t drink and new no one now I have nothing but memories and pain yes I don’t want to go on but I can’t kill myself she would not be happy with that. She was all I ever new I had a bad childhood she saved me but I couldn’t save her. I will go on for her but it’s the rest of my life in pain. I hope it’s not too long.
Hi there Dave
My heart goes out to you and there is nothing much more I can say to you. I do understand that feeling of complete misery and that nothing will ever be the same again and having been on this forum for some time I have seen so many messages just like yours.
Everyday in those early days I wrote how I was feeling and a long time later I looked back on my scribbling and rants and I couldn’t believe it had been written by me. Totally out of character but that is how our loss makes us. There are so many emotions we have to deal with and I can remember shouting out. “Do what you want with me God as I am so tired”.
I still love my husband as much as ever but I can now remember with happiness and even laugh at some of the things he used to say when it brought the tears and meltdowns in the early days.
Take care of yourself.
Pat
xx
Hi there Ali
I am so pleased I was able to help you in just a small way. This is why some of us that have been on the forum for a longer time stick around in the hope that we can offer some comfort. We have travelled that road that you are now on and I’m not going to say that we ‘get over it’ but we do learn to carry on with our lives. Not always easy though. We never stop loving or forget them and I carry my husband with me at all times.
I have always maintained that life is a gift no matter what is thrown at us.
Good luck
Pat
xx
Dear Dave
I am so sorry I can’t say more to help you. That desperate feeling of grief is terrible in those early days and it depends on us how we deal with it. I am naturally a stubborn person and don’t like being beaten so I wasn’t going to let that ‘Grief Monster’ control my life entirely. I still have those moments of sadness and have a good cry but I don’t fear these outbursts anymore. I know tomorrow is another day.
Keep on the forum and let these good people offer you support and God bless. xxx
Pat
@Dave1162 these early days are so difficult & I remember feeling everything you are experiencing. I didn’t want him to be just a memory & didn’t want him to be forgotten by those who knew him. I got a memorial bench in his honour, I sponsored the local junior football team & still do. I recently sponsored the local cricket teams match ball. I even keep his football season ticket going as I know he’ll always be at Bloomfield Road. I sort of made it a mission that no one would forget him & it was a form of therapy for me.
Lockdown happened not long after he passed away & I often think that was a blessing for me, although I was isolated I didn’t have to pretend, didn’t have to go out, there were no expectations. The cemetery where he was buried is looked after by local probationers but they couldn’t come, it started looking unloved & I hated it, so I took it upon myself to organise a team of volunteers & sort it out. Even made the local news.
I look back on my journey so far & realise that although it wouldn’t worry me if I was to join my Derek tomorrow, I have made a life for myself which will always include him & I will live it for him. I also have an elderly mother who has just been diagnosed with dementia, I’m her primary carer & I realise that I can’t go now as she needs me. There’s always something that pushes you on & I believe it’s Derek giving me the strength.
I hope I’m helping by relaying my journey & I’m in the fourth year. I know I’ll never get over the grief I’ll just carry it better.
Love to all on this unwanted journey
We have all felt like that & tbh I get through each day hoping tomorrow will maybe be my day but I cannot give up as much as I know Bry will be missing me & sad he would be sooooo angry if I left the kids ( adults) through my choice.
It’s horrendously hard & painful but for me to join Bry has ti come naturally , and yes I hope it’s sooner rather than later but until then I’ve got to keep going for him
I am finding that I am having the periods of total hopelessness a bit less (4 months down the line). But I am still overwhelmed when I do get them and can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel during it. However, I am having better periods. Today is strange. Today I am so very angry at him. I’m imagining all sorts. What if it was all a lie? What if he didn’t really care for me and was just using me? I’m remembering every cross word and imagined slight and just want to shout at him. Is this normal? I don’t want to hate him!
I was so very angry at Bry at the beginning & still have days where I am. Like you I remember cross words but that makes me feel guilty as Bry used to say ‘ tomorrow isn’t promised so let’s just sort it & move on ‘
I know without a doubt Bryan would NEVER have left me if he had a choice and I know he will not be a peace , he will be devastated he’s not here. He loved me unconditionally & was such a family man with old fashioned values
So yes, I would say it’s completely normal how you are feeling xxx
I have also felt just like you and nearly 5 months on it still hurts so much.My wife Tanni would be so disappointed in me if I gave up,so I carry on.Some days are better than others.I wish I could help you Dave 1162 but I don’t know how.Please don’t give up.
Hello Dave
Please, please come onto the forum and let us know how you are. We all understand we are or have all walked the same road as you. It the hardist thing any of us have ever had to do. We care about you and will get you through this.
Make contact again
Pat
xx
