Good morning darling

No ‘Good morning darling’, no kiss and a hug today. I’m trying to remember all the mornings of the last 41 years and be happy i had them, but the tears are rolling down my face.

Hello Kevin, I lost my amazing husband TIm on 2nd December 2018 just 6weeks after his diagnosis of bile duct cancer. It was like a thunderbolt striking us, totally unexpected, he was such a fit, healthy and strong man.
We had 27 years of good mornings together, 27 years of many,many happy memories. Those memories are giving me the strength I need to carry on right now. I write my memories and thoughts down in a journal dedicated to Tim everyday, and nearly every day the tears flow while I write.

Hello Keiran, in just your two lines here I can feel your intense pain. Unfortunately when I try to remember the happy times it makes me sadder because they’ve now gone. But I live in hope that one day I can remember with love and happiness. We had silly saying in the mornings. My husband would say “Do you love me a little bit today” and I would reply. “No, I love you big bits today”. I go to the cemetery every day (just a short walk away) and say this to him, except that I speak for both of us now.
I don’t like breakfast and can’t stand the smell of cooking in the mornings, but Brian did so I took the dogs out and when I returned he was usually just finishing washing up. How I would long to walk in and smell his breakfast now. Let the tear flow Keiran, it’s a release for a while anyway. Thinking of you.

Dear Kieran
We can all relate to your post. I lost my beautiful boy on the 6th of October to that terrible disease too. It’s very early days for you and the longing never ends and the sadness is overwhelming. We had a glorious 24 years together so i can sympathise.
Sharing your thoughts on here is very helpful and wiser souls than I may offer advise.
Take it one day at a time. Let the tears flow. Don’t be ashamed to cry. Try and remember good times, although that’s hard. Find and accept support from your friends and family. Take care of yourself.
So sorry you are in such pain.

Hi Tim’s wife, thank you for responding to my post and sharing your recent time. I am glad your memories are helping you. I like the journal idea and i think i will do that as well.Stay strong

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Hi Belladoo, thanks for your kind words, the enormity of this has sunk in now. I’m trying to make sense of life moving forward. I’m not used to writing about my feelings as you can see, i think it will help.

Thanks for your lovely reply Pattidot, the memories the photos the music make me emotional, but i suppose it’s not 5 weeks since Colette passed. I’ve had a few little successes at work which made me smile as they normally would, i told her about them when i came home, i could see her big smile saying well done darling that’s brilliant. For a moment i felt happy. Todays silly saying is…a pinch and a punch for the 1st of the month…

Hi Keiran, Yes the music and the photo’s are in one sense a blessing but in another heartbreaking. My husband was a singer and I have CD’s of him singing. He sang at his own funeral, which I did find lovely as I closed my eyes and could see him back on stage, fit and well, not the so sick person I had lost. I listen to him and sing along with him sometimes but it’s still heartbreaking. His hobbies was photography and painting, along with walking, cycling and our allotments (which I now do alone). I found what must have been thousands of photographs so I am lucky to be able to have photo’s of him all over the house. His paintings are also on every wall in every room. Like you I miss those chats with Brian but I do talk to him everyday when I go to the cemetery, it’s just a bit one sided now, and there’s a photo of him on the coffee table which I chat to and tell him off if I’m having a bad day.

Hi Pattidot, that must have been lovely to have him singing at the service. Music has always been big in our house, Colette was in the church choir when she was young, she had a beautiful voice and would always be singing when she was doing her jobs around the house. It’s so quiet now without her. I put our favourite mixes on very loud which helps but sets me off again as well. We had lovely hymns at the church and Pie Jesus and Home Thoughts From Abroad at the crematorium. I’ve just put them on now.

Oh I know what you mean Keiran I play Brian singing.It must have driven the neighbours mad the first weeks as I put him on much louder than I ever would normally and played him over and over. Why do we torture ourselves though. It’s comfort and torture all rolled up in one. It was lovely hearing him at the Crematorium and the service was quite beautiful as it was a celebration of his life with absolutely no goodbyes. Brian would have been mortified though at the thought of singing that day as he could sing in front of hundreds with the band but rarely otherwise, unless learning a new song.
Take care Keiran, I’m thinking of you.