8 weeks tomorrow my June went intohospital - didn’t regain conciousness. I’m not doing very well tonight. All over the place. Played the songs she choose for the funeral, maybe not the best idea. I’m feeling very sorry for myself even though I promised her I wouldn’t do that. I need to start remembering the good things not just the fact she’s no longer here.
I saw several feathers today - June always said that they signified that someone was thinking of me, hope it’s true and that it’s her, but I haven’t seen the Robin this week.
So, a good memory - renting a villa in Spain and when we got there (late after me getting lost), finding that it was even better than described and that the owners had left a little “welcome” hamper for us - she was so pleased - but she always saw the good in people, and her reaction was that we had to leave a little present when we finished the holiday.
Don’t really know why I’m writing this, originally titled “Bad Night Tonight”., I’m really a mess this evening.
Dave I lost my Gerry just over ten weeks ago. We are very early into losing the loves of our life. Last time I went to see the black swans they were not there on the lake, all birds come and go and your robin will come back! I have had some terrible evenings recently, being in the house and they are not there is just heartbreaking. We too spent many happy times in Spain and I have found a lovely photo of him sitting outside the bar in our favourite little village up in the Alpujarra mountains with a coffee. Sometimes music helps and sometimes it doesn’t. We get so upset as we love them so much. Today I will go to the animal rescue we have volunteered with for years. Not sure if you have any pets but my cats are helping keep me semi sane! Take care.
Dave I did the same Wednesday night. Got home after an evening with friends, poured a glass of wine and put on the Valentine’s playlist Frankie made for me. Then decided to listen to a recording of a poem that he did years ago. It was a little collaboration he did when he was writing. First time I’ve heard his voice since that awful night he was blue lighted away from me. Listened to it all night on repeat breaking my heart. It was a case of ripping the band aid off. You know it’s gonna hurt but needs to be done if that makes sense. I can’t listen to the funeral songs yet. That’s a band aid that can stay on a little longer.
It’s good that you can start remembering the good times. We all need these memories. To remember is painful but I believe necessary to process.
Take care
Blue, Janet and Dave, know just what you’re going through and it’s very early days for you, 15 weeks for me. I’d like to tell you it starts getting better but I would be lying. I, too, punish myself by listening to all the music we shared, Bob Dylan, dire straits , Rod Stewart, U2, . Coldplay which would make anyone miserable and lots of others. One particular song Us against the World just brings on the floods. We were sitting in the car, after a hospital visit and had virtually been told I had ovarian cancer. We sat and cried together. That was 12 years ago and I didn’t have it but now I’ve lost him and wish it was the other way round. But I know that’s selfish and wouldn’t want him to go through what we’re suffering, we just have to be grateful for that at least. Just on a positive note, yesterday’s butterfly came in through the window, settled awhile on my heart and flew straight out. The first day without crying, so it can be done, will let you know. Sending love to you XXIt felt so lovely!
On Dave I do so feel for you. Even songs that meant nothing to us now can reduce me to a quivering wreck. For Diaz months after he died I could not listen to any music at all. I love your description of your lovely time in Spain We loved our travels more than anything and it’s all we spent any money on and On so glad. A brand new car is just metal but our holidays are in my mind and heart and although it makes me cry I do look at photos and have A lot on the wall. Dave I continue if in the future you will consider going on holiday. I didn’t think I could but I do. It’s bitter sweet but I know he would want me to. I talk to him on holiday and as I said it causes tears but I have to do it. I do so wish you all the best. Keep remembering don’t try to shut it out. xxxx
Thank you all. Dreadful night last night after promising her I wouldn’t do that again. Although it’s really hot, took a walk this morning about 8.30 along the river (yes, hat, sunglasses & sun cream), thinking about all the times we’d walked it, her usually chatting, poiting out things I missed.
No pets, although so many people have suggested a dog. Maybe later when lige isn’t so empty
Dave so sorry you had such a bad night, it’s par for the course I think. we just don’t know what to do with ourselves , our pain makes us kind of insane, we’ll it does me. Holiday memories are really lovely but thinking of not sharing them ever again with Malcolm is unbearable. Stupidly we always went to the same place in France for 5 weeks every summer , should be there now , we both just loved Brittany. I would love to go there again but the whole experience, , driving down to Plymouth, stopping at our favourite independent services in the way are entangled with him and couldn’t do it on my own. Same with the ferry crossing and he always bought me perfume from the duty free. Just so heartbreaking without him. Maybe things might change in the future but just can’t envisage it at the moment, there just feels no point or pleasure in anything. How long was it before you took a holiday Bell? And do try to get a pet Dave, am getting a rescue cat next week and it is something to look
forward to and make the house feel more of a home. Sorry for such a miserable post, feeling low today had a good one yesterday, this is how it seems to go, so unpredictable! Love to you both xx
Thank you Jane, we went ot rge same place in Spain for many years, but I cannot imagine going back there. Found the Dordoyne about 5 years ago, loved it, another place I won’t be going to.
Sat in the garden this evening as it’s so warm. We did that on summer evenings, June and I, having a glass of wine and chatting, well, her chatting, me listening, I was never much for talking. So nice, so normal. Could hear neighbours doing that. I felt very sad, not upset, just a bit low. I sat there and remembered some of the things she used to say - think she saved them up for those times. She had that ability, to say something that made you turn your head and say “what?” as she smiled at me. Love her.
So tonight, very warm in the garden, but no wine - that could be very dangerous for me now.
Night all
Oh Dave, it’s awful isn’t it. Everything the same but nothing the same. The garden brings me no joy any more, Like you we used to sit out ion warm evenings, not too many in Yorkshire!, with a glass of wine or a Peroni/Moretti for Malcolm. Just the little things that we took for granted and thought they’d never end, makes you feel so sad .Yes, I chatted and he listened, sounds very similar! . Every evening I tell myself, well that’s another day I’ve got through and you have too. A hell of a way to exist but exist we must and one day we might even start to live, you never know. Hope you get some sleep tonight and keep on going on! Sleep tight x
Thank you Jane, heree in Essex it’s so warm an dhumid. as for a pet, maybe later, I like dogs but not at the moment. The only real decision I’ve made in the last 8 weeks is not to make decisions. Her funeral and legal stuff pretty much took care of themselves - she’d sorted the music beforehand and that would have been a very hard choice to make - Shania Twain, “You’re stil the one”, loveley and she sang that to me, but I wouldn’t have chosen it, sleep well, and thank you x
Hi there
Don’t give up on the garden. I am a keen gardener as was my husband but when he died I couldn’t be bothered with it. I kept it tidy but that was it. Through this summer I have had to spend more time at home and found my love of the garden has returned and my shrubs are loved once more. I can now sit on the patio once again. Give yourself time. Being down south the weather is dry and hot and on the Island we miss out on rain, it goes around us. A bit frustrating really as I also have our allotments to take care of and with no rain it makes it hard work. So if you have any rain to spare up north send a drop down here.
Take care
xxx
Hi Dave
When you ready getting a dog will be the best decision you could make. Mine have been lifesavers. I know other members will agree. They get you out and you will find other dog walkers to have a chat to. Never a lonely house to return to as the welcome is always there plus the unconditional love.
I’m also down south and our weather is also hot, dry and humid and I personally long for a bit of rain. It seems to keep missing us.
That’s a lovely song Dave, the words are just right. Malcom said What am I going to do? by Rod Stewart expressed just what he felt. He died so suddenly so didn’t know what music to choose, went for Bob Dylan .He also liked Leonard Cohen but that was a step too far for a heartbreaking day! Glad you’re keeping off the wine for now, me too, not a good way to go at the moment. think I might find it hard to stop. Like the crying. Hope you slept okay and are feeling a bit brighter today. At least you have the sun! Take carex
Pat, thank you for that encouragement, must admit I find it hard to get motivated. His pond needs topping up, he was always doing that, veg patch overgrown. lawn cut by our lovely son but I haven’t edged it , all seems too much somehow. But I have ordered some new shears, Malc’s are very blunt and old, and have ordered a beautiful white rose, thanks to Crazy Kate. This is a name your rose and I’ve named it Love You Forever. Hopefully when it arrives I will get my gardening mojo back ! And I’ll swap you plenty of rain for some of your lovely sunshine! Thank you for being positive x
I like Dylan and Leonard Cohen but he’s a bit too dark at the moment so leaving him, and most music, alone at present. I’m not a gardener, that was June’s passion, but like a nice garden so have got a gardener to come in an take care of things - don’t want to lose what she created. Very warm here already so will finish my coffee and take a walk by the river again. Not sure about the rest of the day but there’s always things to do if we can get started.
Yes, it’s the getting started bit that’s hard but once over that it feels good to get occupied with something a bit mind numbing Enjoy your walk in the sunshine and have a little chat with June as you go x
Hi Dave
Walking by the river is an excellent start as well as taking on a gardener to keep June’s garden neat and tidy. Can I say that anyone can become a gardener with a bit of time and patience. I was certainly the worst gardener. I had absolutely no interest. One day I stood looking out of window at the mess of weeds. I had just separated from my ex and the garden was now neglected. I started pulling up the weeds and I became hooked on gardening, simple as that. Throughout the years it has proven to be very therapeutic if stressed or anxious and of course now in grief. I do hope that one day you might find the strength to be able to continue June’s work when you are ready. Enjoy your walks. I have done mine this morning with the dogs. It really does help.
Take care.
Hi bjane
Tiny steps… Take your time. You have already moved in the right direction. New shears, and a lovely rose. One day you will have the motivation to deal with the pond and the veg patch. I had a whole large allotment to deal with and wasn’t sure that I wanted to bother but I gave it a try and now feel as if I am doing it for him and he is looking down on me and watching what I am doing. His name is still at the top of his plot. He will be telling me off of course when I don’t get things right. Many tears not having him there with me but it has given me strength when I have felt like rubbish and something to focus on.
Thanks for the offer of some of your rain, we can do with it. Otherwise I have to fight with the twisting hose reel. !!!
Pat
Pat, you made me smile, thinking of tussling with the hosepipe. Malcolm used to get himself all tangled up til we got one of those rewinding things! Sorry I can’t keep my side of the bargain re rain, you’ve certainly sent some beautiful sunshine up here! Thank you! Have just been or, hacking at an ancient crab apple tree with new shears, what a difference decent equipment makes. I’ll be getting a new lawn mower next!!
Have a good weekend 
xx
And Dave, I thoroughly recommend a manic hacking session on the garden with vagaries shears. So therapeutic on all levels! Hope you can have a good weekend too. As my Dad used to say, “productive”! About the best we can do at the moment x