Grateful for the good times

I am, like everyone on here, bereft at the loss of my lovely husband. We all ask the question why him, why us and there is of course no answer or not that I can hear. Was it because we were too happy? That is the only reason I can think of - that we are only allowed so much happiness in our lives and our time ran out.

Our 40 years went in an instant and now it is only 8 weeks since I lost him and I think they have been the longest weeks of my life. I am fed up with crying all the time and I do not like the person I have become - this person who cries at the drop of a hat - this pessimist when I have always been an optimist. I cannot help it, of course, and the smallest thing that has no significance to anyone else is enough to start me off.

Instead I want to be grateful for each one of those years and remember how amazing he was, I want to remember that he was a fabulous talented guitarist who wooed me from a stage when we were young - who wrote romantic songs. How we wrote love letters to each other when we were apart or how we wrote to each other if we were cross too. How he bought me flowers and chocolates every week. How he told me I looked like an angel the first time he saw me and how he still said I was his angel. How he was scared of fatherhood because of his own childhood, but who was besotted with both our children and became the best father ever. How he protected and worked hard for us all his life and would have done anything for us. How every day he made us laugh. He cooked amazing meals for us and how he was so proud of his roast potatoes - it became a competition as to who cooked them the best. And I never realised until I lost him how many people loved and respected him. I suppose none of realise what we really have until we lose it.

I want to think of him when I smell the honeysuckle in the garden. I want to think of him when I look at the blue of the sea and remember the happy times. I want to remember how proud he was of the children when they graduated and how he was proud of absolutely everything they accomplished - no matter how small. And how proud they were of him when he mastered new technology to produce his music. I want to sit again with him and sip drinks in the evening light in the garden. I want to watch tv with him and laugh at funny programmes and puzzle over others. I would not even mind watching snooker with him - just to have him there. I want to kiss his soft cheek and stroke his hair - that I was always envious of (it curled just enough) and that he was so proud of as it was still dark. I want to go on long car journeys and threaten to leave him by the side of the road when the bad jokes started coming out. But I want to remember all this with a smile rather than tears and be thankful for so many good years. To be grateful for the years we were together as so many people never experience that kind of relationship. A good marriage or partnership seems to be almost a rarity these days. As a good friend said to me - you were lucky with him and boy don’t I know it. There is so much I miss about him as I am sure you all miss your own loves. Now I have to learn to live without him - that is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done - but I do not want to let him down and I need to be there for the children who now need me still to be their mum - even though they are adults.

Please forgive me this ramble - I felt I just needed to say it. I cannot actually say this face to face to anyone - they would be convinced I really have lost it - even my own children. To them we were just mum and dad. It is only to you here on this forum that I know I can ramble on and someone will ‘listen’ and have their own special lists that they may wish to talk about about their special people.

There I have said it… and now I need to post it before I lose courage. What I cannot say to him I need to say. Thank you.

Trisha xx

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One word sums this up Trisha

BEAUTIFUL

Gary would be so very proud of you. Understand totally about these past 8 weeks being the longest of your life,

You have the courage to survive this heartache, and you shall. You shall become the optimist you have always been, it may take a little time to surface, it is still within you, at present it is suppressed by grief, stay with it lovely lady

Blessings
Jen☆

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Hello Tricia
Reading your post is heartbreaking. You give such a vivid description of him he sounds an amazing husband, dad and friend , I am so sorry for your loss.
I’ve read all your posts and am sorry I haven’t replied to any before , the truth is I find it difficult to come up with the right words to convey my feelings often.
It’s all so new for you and though your posts usually have an upbeat air it’s what’s going on deep inside that counts. You appear to be keeping busy and getting organised but we all know that’s only half the story.
Can I suggest you maybe print this post and every time you feel low read it to remind yourself of all the wonderful things your husband meant to you. It’ll be right there in front of you maybe attach some photos if that’s not too painful, personally even after almost a year I still find photos and music to be a trigger for tears.
There’s no easy answers for living with grief it’s a long hard struggle.
I’m glad you took courage and posted it’s good to get the words and thoughts in your head out there.
Sending love and hugs to help just a little through the day.
Xxx

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Thank you Jen xx

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Hi.Trisha.
Rambling!!! Never. It brought me to tears. Yes indeed, it’s one of the most beautiful posts I have read. Thank you so much. More words from me would spoil it.
Love.

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Thank you for listening and for replying. You are right I do try to be upbeat and organised - but also miss him so very much and know I have a very long road ahead. But I am proud of our 40 years of happiness and would not change one minute of it - I just wanted more of them. A kind friend who is going through a different type of torment - never managed to find her perfect partner - and to be honest she has had a pretty miserable life. No she will never know the pain of losing someone like this - but neither has she had someone who loved her totally. It has made me appreciate my 40 years of happiness. And he would be so chuffed that is very unromantic wife is now writing about him in such a way. I am however like you - I cannot listen to music nor look at recent photos without sobbing. But strangely I can look at photos of when we were young without tears. So for the time being I will look at the young handsome Gary and the definitely thinner me.
Take care and thank you again.

Trisha xx

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Thank you for listening. We all have such special memories and I just wanted to say it somewhere. I so appreciate the support this forum offers.

Sending hugs to all.

Trisha xx

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Reisha,
…your message to Gary came straight from your heart…

Jackie…((( hug )))

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Trisha…not Reisha, oh I wish we had a delete button…

…your message to Gary came straight from the heart…

Jackie…sending a (( hug ))

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Hi Trish I just want to Thank you for such a wonderful post it bought tears to my eyes reading it. We were married 50 years when I lost my beloved Ron three years ago. I miss him so much and love him more each day if that is possible. We always said that when one of us passes we are still married which I am. We have a very good family with wonderful grandchildren and every time I look at them with wonder to think we produced them and feel very proud. Don"t ever think you are rambling because it was such meaningful post. It was so lovely sending hugs to you. xxx Carol. xx

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Hi TrishaF, l lost my husband 7 week’s ago, and he was the kindest gentle person you could meet. Everyone one loved him, family, friends, work colleagues and neighbours. They are all still in shock as his death was sudden. I like you sob at a drop of a hat. I was confident, very happy with my life and feel robbed of a wonderful future at a blink of an eye. All you said is so beautiful, and l know exactly how you feel. Hugs to you, and take care. SandraF

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Thank you Jackie. I am really going to try hard not to cry today… (ignoring the few tears that have already happened). Perhaps a chat later if you would like one.

Take care

Trisha xx

Dear Sandra
Thank you your kind message. I lost Gary suddenly too - and am still reeling from the shock really. I usually bounce back from everything - but like you the thing that hurts most is being robbed of the future we had planned. Gary had already given up work - he had a disability that made it difficult so when he was made redundant he became my house husband. After a lifetime in a stressful job he really enjoyed being at home, cooking, and keeping the house nice for me while I continued to work. I am so glad he was happy - he had told me so the day before. He told me that apart from his problem with walking that life was perfect. I tell him now (as I talk to him all the time) you silly *** you jinxed it. This future without him though is scary and bleak at the moment - so I have stopped thinking about it and am just getting through the days. Ticking off things on my list so I can see what I have achieved. As you will know some days are so much worse than others. Maybe there is truth in the words that God (or whatever or whomever you believe in ) takes the best first.
I am so grateful to this forum and everyone on here.
Sending you a hug too

Trisha xx

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Dear Carol

Thank you. I just had to write down what I felt. As everyone has been so nice about my ramblings I am encouraged to do it again when I feel I need to express myself. Like you - we used to look at our children and say if we never achieve anything else we have wonderful children. No grandchildren yet - but we started late. We were having so much fun that we were together 8 years before we had our son. It is so hard this path - isn’t it?
Sending you a hug back
Trisha xx

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I dont think I have ever cried so much in my life, been non stop almost 12 weeks now, not one days has gone by that at some point I have not broken down…

I am of course saying what we are ALL saying…I just want you back, please come back to me…" Well even I know that Richard would come back to me if he could but in his younger, fitter and healthier days…

Jackie…

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To all these lovely people it just makes me feel not alone! My husband passed away nearly three months ago and the tears flow every day! I really don’t feel I can face life without him! He was a lovely man and even though he had pain every day in the last few weeks of his life he never never complained! I find it so so hard to think I will never see him again. I spend a lot of time on my own and it is then that I am at my worse, when I am with people it is a little easier. I go to a bereavement group once a week and to church on a Thursday morning, lovely people! May I send love to ALL of you people out there going through this terrible terrible time in our lives. Janet xxxx

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Yours is a lovely message. I found this website wonderful in the early days but a year on I can’t usually read it.
Everyone is suffering however it tends to become a downward, hopeless, incredibly sad spiral and I cannot do that anymore.
I still see a counsellor due to the shock of him dying from sepsis but crying constantly makes me feel really ill.
we were together 38years and married for 33years and as you say it feels like our life together was just a moment.
I marked his 1st anniversary, 8/7/19 with my 2 girls and little grandson but on Tuesday I’m hosting an all day BBQ on his birthday, he would have been 60.
The man was about life, love, family and fun and that is how I choose to celebrate him.

Dear Bernn
What a wonderful and brave thing to do to celebrate his birthday. As you say your man was about life, love, family and fun and so you celebrate his life in a fitting way and remember him how he would want you to.
Crying is inevitable - it creeps up on us when we don’t expect it, but it just seems to bubble out and the tears course down our face. It still happens frequently - but less frequently than it did in the beginning.

Today when I woke up - it was just as the sun was coming up. I had not quite closed the curtains and the picture I have us of on the wall opposite the bed was lit up like a spotlight was shining on it. It was quite uncanny as it did not seem to correlate with the sun as it should - but I lay in bed looking at it and it felt special in some way. Was that a sign he was with me - I don’t know but I found it comforting and continued to look at it for a long while before nodding off again. It is not a formal picture - it is one taken by my daughter on a Norway cruise - he is pulling a silly face and whatever he is saying has obviously made me laugh. It is touching and natural and summed us up completely.
There are so many sad stories on here so I can understand how you do not frequent the forum so often. But I have made some good friends already and still find comfort when I am on a down day or need to ramble.
I hope you find an opportunity to laugh and smile on Tuesday and remember your husband as he would want to you. I am sure he will be with you all.

Take care

Trisha xx

Hi. Trisha, I know just how you are feeling because I have been grieving for the last year. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out, We had 54 years of pure unadulterated love and friendship. His passing was so swift we didn’t have time to talk about the things that we knew but I so wanted him to hear that I loved him with all my heart and I just hope that hearing is the last thing to go.All I can say is cry, sob your heart out, scream, watch a film that you know would have made you both laugh and cry, talk to him and most of sll never ever stop talking to people about him. Hope this makes sense I’m sobbing just writing about it Lots of love Pat

Janet…
…I am so sorry that like so many of our members we had lost our beloveds around the same time of three months ago…I too lost my Richard suddenly April 11th…I found him dead sitting in his armchair mid morning due to a heart blockage, he had not long driven in his car to take our cocker spaniel to the pet groomers with the intention of gong back the 20-30 minute car drive to go to collect him…Yes in hindsight as the ambulance, neighbours, police had told me at the time they were fighting to bring my Richard back to life, that this could have happened whilst he was out on the road, and that he had died peacefully at home, well it isn’t peace for me, I still have to look at this armchair daily…

Jackie…sending a (( hug ))

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