Grateful for the good times

Dear Pat

Thank you for your message. I had no opportunity to say goodbye - but I know that he knew I loved him. I just wished I had kissed him goodbye that morning or spent more time chatting to him at lunchtime that day. I miss him so so much - but my tears are the quiet ones that just roll down your face unannounced. I look at the photo my daughter took of us when we married - only a few years ago though we had been together for 40 years - and I look at the photo and can see the love in his eyes - it just sums us up really. A beautiful relationship that was so special but I am not yet able to do or watch anything we would have done together- the ache of missing him is greater then and it breaks me.
I am sure your husband too knew how much he was loved - all the little things over the years together make up the big thing that is our love for them - and theirs for us too.
Take care

Trisha xx

Hi Jackie that must be very hard for you, I missed being with my husband by 10mins by the time I got to the hospital it was too late! Like you and many others I would just have liked to say goodbye but just too late! Oh how I miss him can’t seem to face life without him. It was our 21st wedding anniversary yesterday so I bought him a card and put it next to his picture! Take care, it is so nice to hear that others are feeling the same as you, gives you a bit of support! xxx

Janet…
…yesterday must have been a tough day to get through,yes a card next t his photo was the best you could do, i would have done the same…

Yes i too was ate going into the lounge room, I too never had the chance t say a goodbye or " i love you Richard…"

Jackie…

I feel for you…yes being unable to say goodbye is one of the hardest things . I lost my husband three years ago and I still reproach myself for that. I also feel unable to do all the things we did together. The pain never really goes but better memories do make things more bearable. The tears can still be triggered by unexpected things and it’s good to admit to that instead of hiding the grief. Sharing is good too and many people shy away from speaking out so a forum like this is good and helps with the loneliness .that is inevitable. It’s good to share and know that others understand.Take care. HazelM

Just read your post and thank you for putting into words exactly how I am feeling my husband died in April we would have been married for 52 years this November and until l read your post l could not start to put into words how l feel and how frightened l am of having to continue to live on without him l have a lovely family but l still can’t stop wanting to be with him even though l know how deverstating that sounds and would be to my family who have all been so good and they are all missing him as well it makes me feel so selfish but l can’t help it thank you again

Marian Victoria

You are not selfish .It is easy to beat yourself up when you are in such an early stage of grief, and even loved ones are not on the same journey as you are. It’s also very frightening to know that nothing will be the same again, and you are having to do so much you never did before when the future seemed mapped out ,and it now seems rubbed out. I feel for you Marian but it is so good that you can put your grief into words and realise we all understand. Putting it into words was my salvation .I also had had over fifty years ,and even after three years still have a big void which I do try to wrap around with memories of the good times. It’s a gradual process so don’t let kind folk rush you, and take care of yourself. Hazel M.

Oh how I feel just like all of you! I had a really terrible day yesterday, couldn’t see a future for me without my lovely husband! It is so so hard to look forward, my family are very good but it doesn’t take away this terrible empty feeling! My thoughts go out to all of you xxx

Thank you Hazel. I am trying to do different things that we would never have done together - I don’t know when or if I will ever be able to go to the places we went together. At the moment I am so sad - sad for him as well as me. I hope to make new memories - but right now it is just getting through each day without thinking ahead.
Take care.
Trisha xx

Dear Marian Victoria

Thank your for message - and for saying how my post helped you. I find it so much easier to write on here than to speak to my family or friends who do not know how we are really feeling. It is raw for me too - it is not quite three months and sometimes it feels like three days - and it is as if time really has no meaning. I cannot let myself think past a few days ahead - that big scary place called the future needs to be kept away from my thoughts. If I go there then I know I would just want to give up. Instead I try to fill one day at a time and now I can even think past a few days ahead - but absolutely no further. As a couple we always took it a day at a time anyway - we never made big plans. For the first time in our lives we had dared to do that - and look what happened. We should not have planned. We were always so happy go lucky - it was all about the here and now and not thinking too much is the way I will need to be. My children and friends are wonderful - and I know they need me so despite me loving Gary with all my heart and knowing life will never be the same again I have never contemplated ‘joining’ him. For a start he would be furious and they would be heartbroken - and like you I could not do that to them - I love them far too much for that. Gary’s life was me and our children - and he loved us so much and was so proud of everything they did - I must make the best of what I have. Gosh apologies for going on a bit - but I find I can talk on here . I can understand you being frightened - we all are - and that is why I do not think about things too deeply. I know if we are ill or unsure about something it makes it a hundred times worse so it is not always easy to steer our thoughts in another direction - but I am doing my best. You are definitely not selfish - you are just lost, like most of us on here.
Sending you a big hug and please talk to me if you need to. We are all here for each other.
Trisha xx

Dear Trisha

Thank you so much for your reply, you have been able to put into words exactly how l am feeling and l thank you so much. I do have times when l wish l could join my husband but l know how devastated he would be he loved his family so much and worked so hard for us. Since joining this site I have found out how lovely it is to find there are people I have never meet that understand and take the time to help me and that are giving me so much comfort my heart is full of love for you all. Thank you Marian xx

Finding myself in need of support again and it is so nice to be able to come here. I have said yes to looking after my two youngest hrandchildren tomorrow morning for a few hours and now I’m feeling very scared I know it sounds silly but all my confidance has disappeared since my lovely husband died in April. I always looked after the children before this dreadful time but this will be the first time since last year is it silly I feel so frightened I suffer from anxiety so that doesn’t help I just want to start to do things again but it’s so hard the children are aged 8 and 11 so need some help thank you
Marian Victoria xx

I too suffer from anxiety and find any new things a big worry. I found making a memory box for the children helped us all. We have all lost a big crutch and it feels like it’s just been knocked from under us. I have to meet John’s brother from New Zealand this weekend and I am dreading it. He has his own grief and won’t ever aim to understand mine or even admit to it…to me anyway. I know we all have our own journeys to travel but I find his silence hard to take. I’d really just like to cry together (I’ve known him since I was nineteen) but I’m not sure that’s possible . So I will be there for you in your anxiety .It’s good to share these hurdles…I know I find it so. Hazel M.

Thank you so much for your message l will be thinking of you at the weekend and maybe this is a hurdle we can jump together you aren’t alone being part of this site is showing me that we are all here to help and support each other l am trying to learn how to control my anxiety it’s not easy but I will keep trying please keep in touch. Marian

Dear Marian Victoria

Firsts are scary - but you will be absolutely fine - you are still the Granny/Nanny they love and will be happy with whatever you choose to do with them. We are not grandparents - something my son was so terribly sad about that he and his girlfriend had not given Gary grandchildren before we lost him - but we waited 8 years before we started a family - so if we had started a family earlier it would have been different - so our fault for having so much fun just the two or us together. Any way apologies, I do tend to ramble. I know I used to enjoy being with my grandmother - as she always had time to bake, do a jigsaw, teach me knitting, or play hunt the thimble (that dates me - but I loved it). I can only liken your anxiety to mine on my first day back at work last week - I was so anxious - but it was so much better than I imagined. Not quite my old efficient self - but my colleagues were pleased to see me and after a little bit of a wobble - I found myself relaxing as I am sure you will once they are with you. If you can cope with the emotion then a memory box is great - I know myself I would need to do something less emotional. But we are all very different - and of course the children may also have an idea of what they would like to do. I can understand you being frightened - but I believe you will be absolutely fine and they may well be the perfect distraction . Please let us know how you get on - we are here to help and encourage each other. I am back in work again for the second time this week tomorrow morning!
Trisha xx

Hello Marian…firsts are very scary. I only felt I could cope with the grandchildren when a parent was on hand but I found a reason for carrying on in them, and only did the box thing bit by bit…when I could cope. I may have tried too hard for other people and that is why I am still in so much pain. Will be thinking of all of you and am so glad to have found this site at long last. Hazel M

I just need to put my thoughts down and get them out of my head before they take over so please forgive me if I ramble on my anxity has got very bad since my husband died in April but I’m trying to get out when ever I can this weekend was a big deal for me I was going to look after my two youngest grandchildren for a few hours this morning but I am now not I was invited to a local summer fair tomorrow but have not been given the promised details and I am trying to have friends round tomorrow evening but the help with shopping etc hasn’t happend I don’t want to be poor me but just doing these things all for the first time on my own is such a big thing for me and I have been building up to them for days it takes such a lot for me even think about going out of the house and seeing people am l expecting to much I just feel sad this morning and lonley when my husband was alive these setbacks would not have worried me. But now it’s such a big thing x

Marian Victoria

Hello again Marian…grief can be so exhausting…I feel for you. I also got very confused just trying to fulfil my own and others expectations. My husband had to manage everything and it left me with so much to learn, and at nearly eighty I felt angry with myself (and him I’m afraid). Take care. Hazel M.x

Hello again Marian…grief can be so exhausting…I feel for you. I also got very confused just trying to fulfil my own and others expectations. My husband had to manage everything and it left me with so much to learn, and at nearly eighty I felt angry with myself (and him I’m afraid). Take care. Hazel M.x

TriciaF
Every so often I dip in and out of this sad forum as the need arises, your posting showed such a deep love for your husband that it became a beautiful tribute to, for and about him.
Sometimes it is hard to find the right words to express our feelings but these words must have resonated with many of us.
Like others I have good days and bad days but after six long months there hasn’t been one day that I haven’t thought how fortunate I was to have known, loved and been loved by a wonderful man for thirty six years.
There are so many memories that can still bring smiles instead of tears.
It is that fact that keeps me moving forward, ever so slowly but always forward.
Thank you.

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Thank you your message has come just when I am feeling so in need of support this morning seems even harder than usual my anxiety is bad and I miss my husband so much but I know i have to find the strength from somewear and your message is so welcome thank you my tears are coming so fast but to know I’m not along helps thank you

Marian x

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