The last few weeks my grief seems to have surged back again. Like a bottomless well of sadness. I try to do things with the day, but it’s all just marking time.
I have been dealing with health issues, which of course is so much harder without my mum’s support; but I have other people I can talk to about it. It’s just that they are not her. Missing her is so terrible. No matter how much time I am with other people, or talk to them on the phone or Zoom or WhatsApp. They’re not her. It’s like the sadness and loneliness are now at the core of my being, and it’s never going away.
It also doesn’t help that I’m stuck in her house, waiting for probate, so it can be sold. Looking at all her things, and all of mine; that need disposing of, packing away to donate; or go back with me to my small studio flat. A large house full of her posesesions, and I can take maybe a small table with chairs, an armchair, plus one or two ornaments. I just don’t have the space to keep things, or the money to store them. I don’t even know how I’m going to fit all my stuff back in my flat. Then there’s the financial situation…
I know eventually it will all be sorted, because it has to be, but I hate this limbo, waiting for other people to slowly deal with things. I’m watching other people having a life, like I’m on a different planet. They’re laughing and joking in the pub garden, or going to work etc. Sorry this has veered into some serious self pity. But being in the ‘Grief Club’ is hard.
It is indeed very hard, you have my sympathy, a very wise friend who I met here, told me that the 2nd year is the worst. She is so right.
MaryL
You are not the only one Bristles.
Being late middle aged with a very close relationship to my parents, especially my mother. Living with her for many years. Having to make a life without the central person in your life.
Other people not realising, because of being late fifties how impactful loosing your mother is. Loosing your best friend in your mother. Living in her house without her being there very painful, being surrounded by her things. If I was elsewhere, maybe I wouldn’t have so many moments of turning to comment to her on something, or feeling she’s in bed, out seeing a friend, on holiday.
She supported me very much, coming with me to health appointments, and listening to what I wanted to say. We were a team, who managed out lives in the world together. I don’t have friends that I can be so honest with, who know me inside out.
So sorry, I hope your sister is able to give you some support. I have to make a life for myself; as my mum would want me to