Hi there, I’m struggling with the recent death of my husband. We have been separated for around 18 months due to his problems with alcohol. After 10 years of struggles I just couldn’t take any more and for my own sanity we could not live together any more. Now I am consumed with guilt and I feel he would still be here if only I had stuck on in there. It’s not helped that some of my family are struggling to understand as they know how much he hurt me before we separated
I believe questioning yourself and life are all a common theme in grief.
You can’t blame yourself for the decisions others make. I’m sure if you look back, you can safely say you did everything you could but an addict has to help themselves at the end of the day. They must want to heal themselves first.
@Alibalibee I’m sure the questions are all part of the grief process. I’m 9 weeks on this journey and just the last week I’ve been thinking a lot about the last few weeks of my husband’s life. Could I have done things differently? Was he trying to ask or tell me things? I’m trying not to dwell on it because at the end of the day it doesn’t change anything. I know and he knew I loved him and that’s all that matters.
I have been in your position and questioned everthing… could have, would have, should have. You are grieving everything you lost with this person when they became a totally different person. Private msg me if you like. X
@Leigh2 @Alibalibee I feel the same right now as well. Awaiting finding out what happened but very much sharing the feelings of could I have done more, did i miss something, was that even anything to do with it. It’s a horrible feeling to have on top of the grief right now.
Lots of positive thoughts to you.
And to you all. This is so hard. Ive questioned absolutely everything including whether any of the happy times were real. The person I loved turned into a monster due to addiction. Glad the monster has gone, but so many mixed emotions. Going round and round things in my head is driving me mad. X
I should clarify, we were very much together and had a wonderful relationship, but he used alcohol to cope with health problems and to work through the grief of a recent bereavement.
I’m fearful of what will come out of the post mortem, and worry that it could have been prevented if I had done a better job at being supportive at this time and trying to get him to move away from alcohol as a coping mechanism. It makes it so much harder to deal with the grief when I’m worried that I could perhaps have done more to help him to get through the health issues and the sadness of his own bereavement.
It’s a horrible feeling.
Im glad you were together and still happy. You couldnt have done anymore. I tried everything even thinking leaving would change things but it didnt change. The person has got to be committed to change. Before i read more about alcoholism I used to think I was worth less than a drink to my partner. Still have days like that to be honest. I am a mess of interchangeable anger, absolute sadness and numbness. If the cause of death is alcohol related coroners will state natural causes. X
@Leigh2 thank you for your kind message. I’m sure it is all part of the grief process but still trying to make sense of it all. Take care
You too. Just remember you did all you could. We are all human and all blundering our way through problems , but if iwhat we do comes from the heart it will always have been the right thing. Be kind to yourself.
I,m 3 months into this journey and I keep feeling that I let sue down after the car breaking down last November in the first week of sue being in hospital. Had to rely on lifts from my stepson and a couple of friends. It meant some weeks i only saw sue 3 times a week.the final days i saw sue 4 days.on the Sunday one of sues close friends went to see sue and then dr adock from lindsey lodge hospice rang me to say they had to move sue closer to the nurses station as sue had taken a turn for the worse.on monday we went to see sue and she woke up twice and grabbed my hand and made me promise to carry on being the person she made me into. Tuesday sue never woke up and at 12.30am i got the phone call to say sues breathing had changed.my stepson dave rushed over to pick me up and we were both there for my gorgeous wife sue at the end at 9.00am 1st February this year. But i still feel i let sue down because i had to rely on lifts for the last few weeks of sues life.sorry but i can’t help but think I have let sue down badly
Yep the could have, would have, should have questions keep coming dont they … anything to think of how we could have stopped this awful outcome !!! I so wish we couldve ! But i think as somebody said this is part of grief … i think its the “bargaining” bit:( my husband was doing so well until the last month and it was just a total nightmare ! I am starting bereavment counselling on friday … hope it helps xx
Thank you debs5.i had my 2nd counselling session yesterday and mandy the counsellor was absolutely furious over the way my sister behaved after post on Facebook and wendy started whilst i was with mandy my counsellor .mandy took the phone off me and informed wendy the call was being recorded and not to ever ring me again and there would be legal consequences if it happened again
Wow @Martyn2 thsts awful. What’s wrong with her ? Its your sister isnt it ? She cant even leave you alone whilst you are having counselling ? Im glad she dealt with that for you. Xx
You didnt let her down but it still mustve been so hard for you to not be near her for longer at the end xx
Thank you debs5.made me feel a lot better now
@G1983 @Alibalibee I am 4 weeks in to this terrible journey. we were also living apart. Not because I didn’t love him but because I couldn’t watch what was happening.to him. But I saw him twice a week. He was a beautiful man under the problems. It’s the waiting that is driving me mad. 4 weeks until we could have his funeral and now I am waiting for the coroners report. Again my family thinks I am crazy because of the way he had been for the last few years. The guilt of not being there for him is eating me up inside.