It’s been 14 months since I lost my granddad (who was basically like my parent and my protective/positive person in my life). It was the worst thing I have ever gone through at the start and it was an intense initial 3 months. Long story short I was given medication (for other complaints not for necessarily for the grief) and felt it was manageable. Although I still felt I had no one to talk to and that I couldn’t be upset about the loss, I felt I could handle the waves or at least I would eventually get though it.
I’ve been off my medication for a couple of months now and I just feel I can’t cope. I started feeling this before finishing my medication after it helped me manage symptoms. It probably isn’t helped that I lost one of my old friends (and her baby). I have a partner who I just feel isn’t very supportive or understanding and that I can’t talk to (and if I do I have to pre-plan what I say and filter everything, which is difficult to do with raw pain but I also understand it’s difficult for him to support me).
If I think about my granddad, am reminded of him or the topic of grief and loss comes up I have to muster all of my energy, the tiny amount I have left, not to cry. I’m welling up just writing this. I have no idea what to do. I feel hopeless. Christmas was already a tense time trying to arrange everything but without my granddad I just feel less excited. I accidently voiced this to my partner who was horrified and took it as an insult towards him and the family. I just felt awful.
I just feel I have no one to turn to and I don’t want to be filled with overwhelming sadness, avoiding thinking of my granddad. I miss thinking of the happy times and being able to laugh. I just don’t know what to do. I have no energy or motivation to do things, which doesn’t help. I’ve gone from initially loosing a lot of weight from the loss to now gaining a hefty amount and not wanting to go anywhere or anyone to see me. I’m excited for Christmas but also dreading it without the support, thought and understanding. I have considered counselling but I’m not sure, I don’t want to take from others and I’m not sure if I’m ready.
Sorry for my ramblings. I’m just feeling overwhelmed with everything at the moment, feeling so lost and wanted to just get a bit of it out.