Grief changes you

Coping with bereavement
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We live in an era that idolises control. From an early age, we are conditioned to organise, plan, manage and anticipate. We believe that if we try hard enough, we can manage, not only our commitments, but also our emotions, our relationships and even the course of our existence. Culture teaches us that vulnerability is weakness and that feeling too much is a kind of deviation from the norm. We create routines, lists, methods and distractions to protect ourselves from the unpredictable but then death comes knocking on our door. That silent presence which does not ask for permission, which does not respect schedules, which arrives with an absolute finality and, with it, everything that seemed solid, collapses. Death destroys the illusion of control with surgical precision and when it arrives, it brings with it a devastating revelation. We are totally powerless in the face of certain forces of life. No matter how much we prepare, no matter how hard we try to keep everything under control, there are events that bring us to our knees.

Grief forces us to confront our powerlessness. It reveals how much we depended on the presence of the one we lost to sustain our identity. Only in the emptiness do we realise that the person filled a space that is now bare and what remains is just us with our gaping voids. In this emptiness you look at what you have always avoided. Perhaps it is your own loneliness, perhaps it is a childlike fear of abandonment, perhaps it is the realisation that without that relationship, you now need to reinvent yourself.

Donā€™t try to go back to who you were; that version of you is gone with the loss but, in time, a new version of you will emerge. A version that has been shaped by the loss but also enriched by everything that person taught you and meant to you. One that may see the world with different eyes, one that may become more compassionate, more sensitive, more whole. Not because you have overcome the pain, but because you have learned to live with it.

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The physical effects of grief
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So spot on, I want to repost this, thank you!

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So true

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Sotrue

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Glad you like it @Horhey

In my posts, I try to show that we can look at our grief from many different perspectives.

I hope you are managing to deal with the challenges you are facing on the road you find yourself on.

Best wishes

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Hi

This is :clap: :star_struck: amazing, its other people that dont get it, the avoidance, not being invited cause they dont want to ask us/or talk about it, it might ruin thier party, holiday, makes you feel invisible, excluded.

Itā€™s very hurtful :broken_heart: :cry:.

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Thank you

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Wilson9
:folded_hands:t2:

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This is so beautiful and truthful - thank you :heart:

I am 10 weeks bereaved and this is exactly what I am battling with right now. I posted my feelings under the heading of Jigsaw, you have spelled out exactly how I felt in that; I want to stay in the past because that was the me I knew, that was us, that was safety in everything I knew - but I know I canā€™t stay there. I donā€™t want to moved forward as I donā€™t want to leave my husband behind for one moment. He was my life - for half of my life - but I know I have to.

Iā€™m due to start counselling soon; Iā€™m hoping this will help me to find a baseline where I can work out how I can move forward ( not on - forward) and in whatever form, keep him with me with every step I take. I know if I can carry the love of my husband forward with me, I will never be alone.

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Sums how I feel just now lost, alone, a big void scared of the future and what Iā€™m going to do now since loosing my parents. I want the person I was the person I now. Really struggling.

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Thank you for posting @CaS16 . I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 19 months ago so, Iā€™m a little further down the grief path than you. Iā€™d like to be able to tell you that itā€™s all good, but itā€™s not. The path of grief is not linear. Some days are still incredibly painful but I am managing to string together some good days which is encouraging. When I was at the ten-week stage, I only managed to get a few good moments in all the pain and despair. But, after doing loads of research into spirituality and spending a lot of time meditating, I managed to develop the moments into minutes, then hours and then days. So, I guess itā€™s all about balance. You do need periods of respite when you can think of something other than the loved one you have lost. At the 3-month stage, I forced myself to go out to the local pub quiz and play a racket sport every week which was a godsend for me; it gave me some physical and mental exercise, some social interaction and some precious time when I could think about something other than my loss.

Iā€™ve taken these words from other posts Iā€™ve made over the last few months. I hope they bring you some comfort.

Grief isnā€™t just about the other person you lost; itā€™s also about you. Itā€™s about who you were when you were with them and who you are now without them. When we lose someone, we love, we donā€™t just mourn their absence, we mourn a version of ourselves that will never return.

It helps if you can think of the concept of being connected to your loved one on two levels. First is the conscious, physical level in which we have spent a lifetime using our five senses to connect to our loved ones. This connection was so easy, so familiar, so available and so accessible to most of us. Second is the unconscious, spiritual level, which is a complete mystery to most of us. Itā€™s a place that feels so unfamiliar, so unavailable and so inaccessible because most of us have never felt the need to use it. This is the realm where our unconscious remains connected to the souls of our loved ones by eternal, invisible love bonds that even death cannot destroy. This is why we use the term soulmate.

Death has severed the conscious, physical connection we had and we know that clinging to something that no longer exists will only cause suffering. Our unconscious is the place where we remain connected to our loved ones but it requires a lot of time, patience, practice and discipline to access it. It means taking a regular deep dive to that quiet, still, peaceful place which can be found beneath the incessant chatter of the ego. They say the best way to achieve this is through regular meditation and during the different stages of sleep. It is then that the hold of the conscious mind loosens its grip and the unconscious begins to whisper. Death didnā€™t break the connection with your loved one; it just changed the way the connection works.

Their physical life may have ended but they remain connected to you in ways that transcend physical proximity. You need to form a new kind of relationship with them and learn a new language together; one that operates in dimensions beyond the five senses. Souls communicate in symbols, thoughts, images, synchronicities and dreams so, you have to learn to communicate with them in a new way. The love didnā€™t die; itā€™s more alive than ever. You just have to learn how to feel it without a body to see, hear, touch and hold.

So, I guess these are some of the questions we should asking ourselves. Are we identifying with who they were or with what theyā€™ve become? Are we honouring them right now or are we holding them hostage? Are we remembering them, or are we refusing to let them go? Thereā€™s a profound difference. One is love, the other is fear disguised as love and they can feel the difference from where they are. Everyone, who has lost someone they love, has a grief story they tell themselves. What story are you telling yourself? What would happen if you changed the story?

I hope you get some benefit from the counselling sessions. Take care and feel free to message when you need to.

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Ways Grief changes you
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@Wilson9- thank you for replying - I honestly think this is the most beautiful and profound thing I have ever read :heart:

You have given me food for thought, and explained exactly where I hope to be and the tools I wish to have to get ā€˜thereā€™. Reading your words has given me hope that I can (at some point) move forward as I know I need to, and take husband with me in the way I want to. To have such inner peace for the me Iā€™ve yet to discover, and the ā€˜usā€™ I was, would be truly wonderful and gives me hope.

Thank you :people_hugging:

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I have screen shot this, so on days when I need strength, I can refer to it.

:heart:

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I agree, this is profound and insightful. It speaks to me

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Could you consider speakingā€™ at a venue or via social media; do think you represent witnessā€ and articulate in a particular way which warrants response

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Thank you for your kind words @Pooka1968

There is so much pain, sorrow, heartache and despair on this site. I know itā€™s important for everyone to have a platform to express their emotions. Iā€™m just trying to present different ways we can look at grief in the hope that some people can change their perspective and, in doing so, get some comfort and hope. My posts are based on my own personal experience of grief. I also borrow extensively from the work of Carl Jung, Edgar Cayce, David Kessler, Louise Hay, Alan Watts and Robert Monroe.

I am still dealing with the ups and downs of my own l grief journey. I am happy to submit the occasional post on this site but the idea of taking this further would be way outside my comfort zone.

I wish you well on your journey through this minefield.

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@Wilson9 I enjoy reading your posts and they have lead me to reconsider the work of Jung whom I was aware of but had never really paid a whole lot of attention to. I have specifically been intrigued by his approach to dream analysis which has helped cast light on some things I have experienced lately.

Anyway, my reason for posting was to ask if you had ever looked at the work of John Gray? He is someone I have read and enjoyed over many years as he challenges a lot of my beliefs and assumptions, an extremely well reasoned friction to the ease of recognition, a spanner in the works I suppose.

ā€œ The ā€˜ I ā€™ is a thing of the moment, and yet our lives are ruled by it. We cannot rid ourselves of this inexistent thing. In our normal awareness of the present moment the sensation of selfhood is unshakeable. This is the primordial human error, in virtue of which we pass our lives as in a dream ā€

John Gray - Straw Dogs

I think you may enjoy his work as a counterpoint.

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You may wish to look into Dr Tara Swart, sheā€™s a neurologist that has done tons of research into signs, synchronicity, dreams, after her own husband passed away.

There are a few video interviews on YouTube on her.

Carl Jung also did extensive psychological research into signs and synchronicity as well, especially signs received after a death occurs. Edited - just noticed you mentioned him in the next post!

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Thanks @Plutorising. Iā€™ll have a look into her research.

Iā€™ve been thinking about starting a new thread on dreams, signs and synchronicities. What do you think?

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Thanks @Walan. Iā€™ll have a look.

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