Thank you for posting @CaS16 . I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 19 months ago so, I’m a little further down the grief path than you. I’d like to be able to tell you that it’s all good, but it’s not. The path of grief is not linear. Some days are still incredibly painful but I am managing to string together some good days which is encouraging. When I was at the ten-week stage, I only managed to get a few good moments in all the pain and despair. But, after doing loads of research into spirituality and spending a lot of time meditating, I managed to develop the moments into minutes, then hours and then days. So, I guess it’s all about balance. You do need periods of respite when you can think of something other than the loved one you have lost. At the 3-month stage, I forced myself to go out to the local pub quiz and play a racket sport every week which was a godsend for me; it gave me some physical and mental exercise, some social interaction and some precious time when I could think about something other than my loss.
I’ve taken these words from other posts I’ve made over the last few months. I hope they bring you some comfort.
Grief isn’t just about the other person you lost; it’s also about you. It’s about who you were when you were with them and who you are now without them. When we lose someone, we love, we don’t just mourn their absence, we mourn a version of ourselves that will never return.
It helps if you can think of the concept of being connected to your loved one on two levels. First is the conscious, physical level in which we have spent a lifetime using our five senses to connect to our loved ones. This connection was so easy, so familiar, so available and so accessible to most of us. Second is the unconscious, spiritual level, which is a complete mystery to most of us. It’s a place that feels so unfamiliar, so unavailable and so inaccessible because most of us have never felt the need to use it. This is the realm where our unconscious remains connected to the souls of our loved ones by eternal, invisible love bonds that even death cannot destroy. This is why we use the term soulmate.
Death has severed the conscious, physical connection we had and we know that clinging to something that no longer exists will only cause suffering. Our unconscious is the place where we remain connected to our loved ones but it requires a lot of time, patience, practice and discipline to access it. It means taking a regular deep dive to that quiet, still, peaceful place which can be found beneath the incessant chatter of the ego. They say the best way to achieve this is through regular meditation and during the different stages of sleep. It is then that the hold of the conscious mind loosens its grip and the unconscious begins to whisper. Death didn’t break the connection with your loved one; it just changed the way the connection works.
Their physical life may have ended but they remain connected to you in ways that transcend physical proximity. You need to form a new kind of relationship with them and learn a new language together; one that operates in dimensions beyond the five senses. Souls communicate in symbols, thoughts, images, synchronicities and dreams so, you have to learn to communicate with them in a new way. The love didn’t die; it’s more alive than ever. You just have to learn how to feel it without a body to see, hear, touch and hold.
So, I guess these are some of the questions we should asking ourselves. Are we identifying with who they were or with what they’ve become? Are we honouring them right now or are we holding them hostage? Are we remembering them, or are we refusing to let them go? There’s a profound difference. One is love, the other is fear disguised as love and they can feel the difference from where they are. Everyone, who has lost someone they love, has a grief story they tell themselves. What story are you telling yourself? What would happen if you changed the story?
I hope you get some benefit from the counselling sessions. Take care and feel free to message when you need to.