Grief is selfish.

Hi Watt- In reading your post, it triggered a situation I encountered with a “friend” after my Mom died of lung cancer is 2012. She & I were very close friends for years. She told me I was like a sister to her. We met a club we were both involved in.
I was a carer for my Mom and also worked full time. This friend did not work, but never found the time to call me, even for a chat. When my Mom succumbed to the horrific disease I received the obligatory card, and an opened box of candy. I might add that when her Mom died years before, both my late Sister & I supported her and constantly checked on her.
I was receiving mass emails from her with updates on our organization, but still no personal post to me.
Finally I called her, I gently mentioned that I thought I’d hear from her by now. She said she was “off line.” I let her know I received her mass emails, thus she was very much on-line.
She became defensive, and said “I know you lost your Mom, but I have problems too.” I asked if she was all right, she said “no one is sick or dying if that is what you mean.” I knew at that moment that this friendship was over a long time ago, and it took her cold lack of compassion for me to see it. I never shared the loss of my beloved Sister in 2018, however I know other friends & group members informed her. Still no contact (and she knew my Sister quite well).
Had she reached out after my Sister’s death, I would have given her another chance, because I am a forgiving person. But she made it clear that she did not care.
I was hurt & disappointed, but concluded that my grief was forcing me to re-evaluate my relationships. Losing the friendship of one selfish, uncaring person, leaves room for new and more empathic people to enter our lives.
So I will end here, if you are still reading. Xxxx, Take care and sorry for your pain.

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hi Sister2

sounds like your friend went to the friendship and family abuse misuse and insult their intelligence course that Jaynes family and a few of my supposed friends went to.you know how to not support or give a toss about friends or family courses for the totally insensitive and I dont care about anyone but my self courses.think you get the picture,sorry you’ve had this shyte from supposed friends.its sad how these people are and how do they manage to they sleep at nights.because they have no conscience and are cold hearted gits.sorry if any offence is caused by my remarks.
regards
ian

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Hi Ian-You have such a way with words “Friendship and family abuse, misuse, and insult their intelligence course.” Well said.
I am sorry you went through the same with Jayne’s insensitive family, after she died.
You and I and Watt, and so many good folks on this site have been hurt, disappointed and let down by so called “friends & family.” I understand your need to stay on your own. I wish some people could see how their words and actions only hurt us more, and try to be more careful with our feelings. But then, perhaps they are just not capable of empathy. Pity them.
Thank you and take care.

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Hi @Sister2

Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry you’ve had the horrible experience of so called ‘friends’ not being there for you. Ian is so right and I can understand why so many others grieving feel like they have to cut their circle. It really is the last thing we want to do but feel it’s necessary to limit further pain and disappointment.
Sometimes it just is what we have to do. I’m a big supporter of ‘do anything that brings you comfort’. If they don’t get that, then it is not our fault.

Hope you’re doing alright. Best wishes to you xx

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Thank you Watt, and I am sorry for your experience as well. The true test of any relationship is how one reacts when the going gets rough. Any one can be a friend during the good times, that’s the easy part. I sense what so many of us miss so much, is that steadfast, loyal, unconditional love we got from our now departed loved ones. Not too many others in this world can give so freely and selflessly.
Xxx Take care .

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Who needs enemies with so-called friends like those two? Watt and Sister2

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So true MaryL, It is a hard lesson to learn, but once we get over the hurt & disappointment, we realize we are better off without them.

That’s so Very sad, grief is different for everyone, when I lost my husband last year to a Sudden Death at 55 at his place of work, my life completely fell apart. We were together 33 years married 31. I do t know how I’ll feel each day. I love him, miss him, my heart aches , my children know my pain but they can’t help, I’m slowly coming to terms with what happened now but I’m angry he was taken as went GPs 6 times in a month , they never picked up he had a massive Pulmonary Embolism and sadly died. The inquest was awful , listening to the events leading up to his death. :cry::cry::cry: our son isn’t coping well, our daughter is stronger. Life is really so very fragile and he was gone in the blink of an eye. Life so very sad at times. Keep strong. Xx

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Hi there, I can so relate to how raw your grief is at 6 months loss & thar is more than understandable I am at 4 months since loss of my Dad and I feel the pain and how your mind turns over & over is not going to go for a very long time. How can it, when such a deep loss. One friend said it is 2 years before you feel it lessens & but is with you always, Regarding friends, you do find out who are the selfish ones. When my mum passed, I decided to drop a couple. This time, with lockdown as well, I am disappointed not to hear from some people, All they need do is send a text. Some I know may have own worries, elderly or ill parents, There are a1/2 I feel I am not going to bother with. . I think your friend has behaved very selfishly & is being false about her grief, to try to out do yours. She has.not been supportive & seems to be trying to claim that just for herself, when should feel that you going almost a parallel situation, although I think loss of a much loved parent is a more difficult loss, than a grandparent,

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I had exactly the same with a friend after my dad passed. My chronic illness flared up and also I was getting bullied at work. My best friend at the time said she would be there for me and never was but she went in the huff with me because I didn’t go out with her for meals or to exercise class at the time because I couldn’t cope with small talk and my illness made exercising at that level difficult I even made time to go on hol with her as she wanted when my dad was ill even though I didn’t want to I wanted to go on hol with my dad but wasn’t possible at that time. (Dad was ill for 2 years before dying didn’t go on hol when he was really bad). Loss makes you find out who your real friends are. The thing is that you did try and keep in touch with your friend and give her a little support and if she didn’t reply maybe she was coping with a lot but you tried and thus she didn’t need to accuse you of not being there. However if you have had a long friendship and this is just a misunderstanding based on both of your own grief then its a good idea to give the relationship another chance and try to talk to it out. Sometime a good argument can strength a friendship that is if you are both prepared to talk it out and work it out and be there for each other afterwards. and sometimes a massive argument can tell you the friendship is over. Only you know which that is. Thinking of you.

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Dear Sister2,
You have been through a lot losing both your mum and your sister and losing your friend (at least coming to a realisation of what a selfish and complicated cow she was) is also a kind of bereavement in itself) and I really hope that you have found much better people in your life as you need some support for you. I hope that you are faring better now. Thinking of you.

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Thank you Meebee, I did find much better, kinder & more sincere people (some right here on this forum).
Still it hurts to think someone I considered a close friend for so many years, could be so cold . The fact she never even reached out after my most recent loss (she was aware of it, through mutual friends) to me, was the final blow. Yes “a selfish and complicated cow,” indeed. I hope you are faring better too. Take care, Xxxx

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Reading these posts I am so pleased I keep my circle small. My best friends are my chosen sisters. Whatever life throws at us we are there for each other. It is unspoken. I could not have survived these last 6 weeks without them.

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 Different people handle grief differently.  While it is perfectly natural to be angry after a bereavement  I don't think it is fair to take it out on a friend like your friend did with you.  If your openness with her ended in an argument then it might be an idea to leave off communicating until she has had time to calm down.  If the relationship comes to an end, then so be it.  This often happens where a bereavement is involved.
 People  often react strangely towards the bereaved.  In my case the majority of the people whom my husband and I knew dropped me like a hot stone. A neighbour who lost his wife very suddenly experienced the same thing.  He told me that friends crossed the road to avoid him.  I think it is partly because they don't know what to say and partly because they regard widows & widowers as a potential threat.  My attitude to those who dropped me is one of gratitude - it was like the rubbish taking itself out.
 We have to rewrite the script of our lives after bereavement and sadly, we often have to write former friends off.

Dear Sister2
just saw your reply hope your doing a bit beta now. I too had a friend like this well a bit like her. We had stopped speaking a couple of years before due to my illness and her selfishness. but she stayed friends with my mum on facebook and found out about my mums illness through her mum. She then contacted my mum asking after her but not one word to me. (if it had been the other way round and I had found out about her mum I would have sent a card and offered her my support but no). She did send a card out the blue after my mum died which on one hand I felt was nice but on the other a bit hypicritical as she hadn’t said a word all along to me and she knew my mum was very ill and that I was caring for her because my mums friend told her mum. We had been friends from school. Still it is hard when people treat you like that especially if you have been there for them. I had supported her through a few job losses and stuff. and then when its my turn its I can’t cope with your problems. that was the beginning of the end for me. Unfortunately I am finding it hard to make new friends because I have been so vulnerable of late and trust is a big issue. But here I too have found some really nice people and sometimes its easy to get things off your chest and say everything to strangers that you know wont judge you or be nasty to you. Sorry for this post turning into a moan just having a hard day. Take care of yourself.

You are so lucky that you have those friends. But best of all you cherish and value them. True friends and good family are the most important things in this life. no matter what. Thinking of you.

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This is so true it makes things that much more difficult but it is so true. A bereavement and a lottery win (I am guessing) make you see people for who they really are. And the best people are the people who are there for you through thick and thin. and they can also rely on you the same way. I have always tried to be that kind of person but have not always got the same in kind.
However I experienced that kind of friendship comaderie years ago when I worked on ships people bonded together like a surrogate family I miss that feeling. Take care of yourself and hope you have some good people in your life.

I am very lucky, there were four of us sharing the same office, I had to retire in 1987 for health reasons, yet the 4 of us have stuck together for all these years. We ring each other regularly and we keep in touch. I am not smug, just very lucky x x x x

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Hi Meebee, No worries, you did not moan. We are all here to listen to each other. Your" friend" sounds a lot like my ex-friend. Both my late sister & I were there for my ex-friend when her mum died., and after. I also supported her through her job losses, personal problems, and anything else a good friend would do. Not only did she offend me with her insensitivity when my mum passed, but then never contacted me when I suffered the next devastating loss of my younger sister. I think I would cross the street if I ever came upon her walking my way.
XxxTake care.

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Hi Sister2.
Sometimes that is probably best. The crossing the street thing I mean. I do hope that you have other good people in your life right now. Take care.and know that even though I am just a wee voice out in the wilds of the internet someone is thinking of you and hoping that you are doing okay. Or at least as well as you can be at the moment…