Grief physically hurting

My dad died in June after 7 years with cancer. He was diagnosed as terminal almost 2 years before he died. He was my hero & I worked desperately hard to find treatments for him, as he had a rare cancer for which there is no standard treatment. Nothing worked & I watched as he went downhill. I was there, with my mum & brother when he died peacefully. I have a good life-a job I love, a partner who is everything, wonderful family & friends, but i just feel this deep sadness & rage that doesn’t seem to be going away. Now it’s starting to affect me physically (Tiredness, struggling to fall asleep, stomach aches etc) and its making me so mad! I’d like to be stronger than this, but I feel like I’m letting myself & my dad down. I’ve had 5 sessions of bereavement counselling & was told all this is normal, but I still want to feel better & don’t know how. I suppose I’m just wanting to know if anyone else feels these physical symptoms & how you cope?

Thank you for reading xx

You worked desperately to save your father and unfortunately still lost him, You watched him die and can’t understand why the man you adored has left you.
I know exactly how you feel as my husband had cancer for ten years. Doctors wrote him off but I wouldn’t. I studied everything about the subject and for years thought we had beat it.But we hadn’t and I, like you, watched him slowly die after nursing him alone and keeping him at home. So yes, I know about that anger. We had a healthy lifestyle, exercised, grew our own fruit and veg. So why did I lose him. Now you will feel like me, empty, angry. I worry all the time, am I doing the right things. His daughters have decided to not reply to my phone calls or letters. I blame myself but don’t know for what, never had a cross word in thirty years have I let him down. This just isn’t me. I don’t have your physical problems but I am walking about in a daze, crying on a whim. This just isn’t me and I don’t want to feel like this, I want to be strong. How do I cope. I keep very busy. and live in hope that one day it will get easier.