Grieving alone

Im a 54yr old ex soldier, so emotions are not my strong point. I lost my wonderful mum18months ago to Alzheimers, she brought me and my brothers up on her own after being widowed at 24yrs old.
I cared for her in her last years, I showered her, cooked for her, dressed her and took her everywhere with me. The last year she went into a home which still upsets me, but, i couldnt cope on my own anymore.
I came to this site because I wanted to hear how to grieve and see if theres anyone out there in a similar situation to me.
Thanks for listening.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 2 months ago and my own situation is very different to yours, but i would like to say that my Dad lived with his mum who is also very unwell and can no longer use the toilet or walk by herself, this was hard for him because he was one of 6 siblings who his mum also brought up on her own after being widowed when my Dad was 3. None of us thought in a million years that he would pass before her, but the way my Dad and his brother cared for my nan was incredible, and i know he would have been devastated to see her pass, so I can imagine your pain and also would like to say that you are incredibly strong and kind to have looked after your mum for those years, because i saw first hand how emotionally exhausting it can be. My Dad also hated the idea of his mum being put into a home, but in some cases it is necessary, and you had done all that you could do. There is no correct way to grieve, but my only advice would be to never suppress any emotions. We are all only human and when you lose someone so special it is painful. I have found that talking about it is what has helped me the most, whether it is with strangers or with my family, keeping everything bottled up inside of you will not help.

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Good morning @PaulK

Sorry for your loss :heart:

Grieving is a rollercoaster, it really is there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s going to be hard because the bigger the love the harder the loss. I lost my partner 7 weeks ago on Sunday. I have more better days than I did at the begining.

The only advice I would give you is try to get out of the house, go walk, coffee, see a friend or do some shopping. The anxiety gets quite bad but I always feel better if I’ve managed to do something to break up the day, If that makes sense. Don’t bottle things up, feel what you feel it’s ok. Maybe write it down if you can’t talk about them as it is still a release. Keep reaching out on here, it has 100% helped me. I’m quite private and do have family to support me but I have found it more helpful talking to strangers on here.

I feel like Jekyll and Hyde sometimes because one minute I feel quite optimistic and others times what’s the point and everything in between.

Be kind to yourself and he proud of how you looked after your mum, she will be looking down on you and be filled with pride and love for you, for all that you have done for her. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
Xx

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Thank you, like ypur dad, I wouldnt let my mum go into care until I really had no choice. It was a v hard decision…
Im so sorry you lost your dad, he sounds like an amazingly tough person, he seems to have passed some resiliance onto you.
Your message was really helpful, I woke up this morning not sure Id done the right thing by being on here, but your message showed me that I have. Thank you once again x

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Thank you @Katyh, youre right talking to strangers really helps. I feel like im not being judged or even laughed at. I comw from a stoic world, so its all strange to me. Your message really helped me this morning. Especially when your grief is so raw. Thank you x

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@PaulK

Keep reaching out you are not alone :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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@PaulK, how you cared for your mum is amazing, most sons would have walked away much sooner but there is always a point when it finally overwhelms and you just have to take the hardest decision you’ll likely ever make. Even then once they’re in care and getting the practical support they need the pain of frustration because there’s currently no cure and guilt for putting them there remains and you feel helpless. Once they pass and inevitably they do as it’s a cruel disease, the guilt continues it just changes. There’s a big gap in your life once the caring is over mixed with a dose of survivor guilt and grief I reckon. The gap gets filled eventually as day to day stuff carries on but I found the guilt and grief took much longer. It was my mother in law who suffered, my husband and I cared for her as we lived in the same house. We moved house a couple of years after and that helped create a bit of separation for me but I know it took longer for my husband to reach a new normal. As it’s your mum that suffered my story is not the same but you have my sympathy for your loss and hope you can come to terms with it all in the future and feel the support of your family and this community.

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@Vjs thankyou, you hit the nail on the head there.

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I’m sorry for your loss. :heart: I lost my dad, who I lived with, and though he managed much of his care on his own, we did everything together. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to let your mum go into a home the last year. :people_hugging: I’m glad you found your way here and I hope it will be helpful.

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Thank you @Ulma

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