Grieving both my parents who died from Covid-19

I lost both my parents back in March (just 4 days apart) from Covid-19. They were elderly (almost 92 & 87) and had underlying medical conditions - but we all believe they both still had at least another couple of years of life to enjoy. They lived in an annexe to my brother’s property so weren’t amongst the thousands who caught the virus in care homes. BUT the likelihood is they probably became infected by either myself or my brother (we all showed symptoms within 4 days of my last visit on 12th March) or, perhaps, via the various delivery people who visited them on a regular basis? We’ll probably never know for certain but the thought that it could have been my fault haunts me every day.
We weren’t able to visit either of them in hospital or even video-call them as they were too I’ll & the hospital didn’t have that kind of facility at that time. So they both died without either my brother or me being with them. The pain of that breaks my heart every day.
Then of course we couldn’t have the funeral they deserved. There were just 9 of us at the crematorium, staring at two coffins side by side. None of it seemed real - and still doesn’t some days. Unfortunately the service was a total disappointment as we weren’t able to hear the celebrant (who read the tribute as if were the first time she’d ever seen it) & the volume of the music was either too quiet or too loud. A 25 minute surreal fiasco from start to finish.
So, here we are, 6 months since my dear Mum & Dad died and I find I’m struggling more & more over these recent couple of months to come to terms with it all. We had such a wonderful relationship and I miss them every single day. I know they’d not want me or my brother to be mourning them, but to get on & live our lives. However, I haven’t yet found how to accept all that has happened and to cope with all the guilt too.
I know so many of you have or are going through similar heart-breaking bereavements and I thank you all for taking the time to read my story.

Dear @Debs24, it is so sad to read that you lost both your beloved parents. It is an awful way to lose them, I know, because my dear dad died from it, alone in hospital, in April.

Please do not EVER think it might be your fault that they got it. It isn’t. It is the government and their lackeys in SAGE who are responsible, not you. We could see what was happening in Italy, France and Spain, we had epidemiologists from other countries saying at the beginning of March that the UK needs to go into lockdown immediately, but we didn’t. My dad, as someone with renal failure, was having to go to hospital three times a week in an ambulance where the driver didn’t even have a mask - even in hospital, the nurses who were dialysing him were not wearing masks. Had we locked down at the beginning of March, my dad and your parents might still be alive. It isn’t your fault, you are a wonderful daughter, please do not ever forget that.

Thank you for your kind & comforting words, Abdullah. I am so sorry for your loss of your Dad to this horrendous virus. We too have questioned (& continue to do so) the way our government has handled this whole crisis. The impact on all our lives has been something which no-one could ever have expected or predicted, but there is a chance now to minimise that impact on our future IF the appropriate measures are put in place NOW. Yet we’re still dabbling with half-hearted measures that aren’t yet showing any marked improvements.
For the likes of you & I and the many thousands of others who have lost their loved ones, or have suffered with Covid-19 over these last 6 or 7 months, there is never going to be anything that can be said or done by the powers that be which will ease our pain and sadness. I fully appreciate that my parents were very elderly and had enjoyed long & happy lives, but they didn’t deserve to die as they did and to not have the funeral we so wanted to give them. I talk to them every day and ask for their forgiveness. I know in my heart that they wouldn’t want us to be dwelling on all this misery but I haven’t yet managed to process it all. I’ll get there, I’m sure I will. But fear there’s a winding road ahead to get me there .
Thinking of you Abdullah and thanking you for taking the time to send your kind words of support and comfort.

Thank you, Debs, for the kind words. My dad struggled for most of the last 40 years of his life, but I am eternally grateful he exceeded expectations and reached a good age. I am glad your parents had a good life and reached a good age too. None of that however means that your parents and my dad deserved to die the way they did. Yes, there are people here who have lost their loved ones at a much younger age, and I feel so sorry for them, but that doesn’t make you or I greedy. When you lose someone to an avoidable death, that is very difficult to accept. Your parents and my dad might well have lived for a few more years, they did not deserve to die the way that they did. There was a post from @Fourfifths45, his father, Dmitri Smirnov, was a composer, his family came to the UK for a better life from Russia, and yet his dead dad died of the virus - he could, like your parents and my dad, be alive today had this idiotic government locked down earlier, a Cambridge epidemiologist thinks that beteen 20-30k deaths might have been avoided, therefore, please do not ever think you might be to blame that your dear parents died, you’re not, and any time you need to chat, I am here. Take care.

I’m so sorry for your losses Debs. I lost my Dad back in March (didn’t find out until May) as an indirect result of the coronavirus. It’s tough, but I’m certain things will get better. Wishing you well my friend xx

Thank you for your kind words Steph. So so sorry about the loss of your father. Such a difficult & emotional time we’re living through at the moment. But knowing there’s such great support and kindness amongst a community like this is helping me so much. Take good care of yourself xx

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