My mum died in november 2020 from covid. Its been the worst and hardest 14 mths and i feel that i cannot move on. I think about when i last saw her in the ambulance when she went to hospital and not being able to visit her was heartbreaking and not able to say goodbye to her. Ive attempted suicide just to get this pain away. Im trying to move on but im finding it hard.
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Dear Paula, I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum, it must be heartbreaking for you, to to be able to be with her when she died must be so difficult for you to come to terms with, the fact that so many people are suffering like you is no comfort, have you had any counselling? Have you got support from family and friends ? I feel you should go any see your GP to see if can give you anything to help, I hope that you get some comfort and support from this site, sending love Jude xx
Hi jude thank youl for your kind words. Ive had counselling on the phone i wouldve preferred face to face but cos of covid i couldnt so i stopped doing it as i felt it wasnt working. I dont have a big family ive a sister who lived in the same village as me but after mam died she sold her house and moved to lancashire as i live in yorkshire so i havnt been in contact with her much, i thought it was selfish of her to do it as now its the time we need each other most. Ive an auntie who lives not too far from me ive been to see her and shes been a great help. Im on anti depressants as ive had depression for years and the doctor has increased my dosage. I cannot think of anything or anyone that can help me x
Hi Paula
I and sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. I lost my mum seven years ago. Thatpain does ease and you eventually learn to live with the grief and always carry your mum in your heart. I can’t say it has been easy. It has been a tough road to travel. I would try another counsellor as it can help if you find one you can talk to. I found the first counsellor I had pretty useless but I tried another and there was a definite difference. I also found that phoning the Samaritans when I felt I couldn’t cope. I also find that writing a journal about how I feel gets it out of my head and helps me process how I feel. Give yourself time. Cry when you need to and don’t surprises your feelings. Our mums always knew what to do when we were struggling or hurting. It feels like our security blanket has been tipped away. I’m glad you have a relative close by to talk to. Take care and keep posting. There is always a listening ear and advice on the forum. X
Hi nel, thank you for your help and advice. I do have days when i think that i cannot carry on and how do i live my life without her and not having any parents to rely on for help and to talk to its very hard. Someone else told me to write a journal which im thinking of doing as i have a lot of stuff in my head and writing it down may help me. Thank you for your help x
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Hi paula
I’m really sorry to hear about your mum, I lost my mum last July and its been the worst pain I’ve ever known 
it’s nearly 7 months since she’s been gone and I too can’t seem to move forward I have this guilt lingering within me that seems to be stopping me, I can’t imagine how you must have been feeling not being able to be with your mum, my mum was diagnosed with secondary liver cancer and other things and I wanted her home to care for her( I gave up my job so I could do that) I wanted her with dad and the rest of the family ,but it was still so hard having to let go, I do think at the moment I will never accept she has gone 
and I miss her so much, yes I agree the counselling is harder over the phone, I too would have preferred face to face, I’m glad you have support with your auntie, there is always someone to chat with on here so keep messaging we are all with you and totally understand, take care, always here for a chat
Lynn xx
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Hi lynn. Im so sorry for your loss i know what youre going through, its 14 months since my mam died and its still hard to accept that shes not here, im glad ive got my auntie to talk to. I went to my parents grave today to talk about how i miss them. Ive not been sleeping well, im tired at the wrong time of day i feel my head is all over the place. Thank you for messaging me with your kind words. Take care.
Paula x
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Paula. Gosh, I feel your pain, I feel your guilt. My Mum died July 2021, of Covid. Having cared for her for years, yes I too remember having to let them take Mum without me being by her side, and not being able to visit until it was too late. She was deaf and had delirium, the hospital did nothing to facilitate any form of communication. I feel very guilty, feel I could have done more, miss her more than words can say.
I have started Sue Ryder counselling, online. I must say I have found it hugely helpful, to just even have someone listen to what those last few weeks were like, to say it all out loud. She encouraged me to write a journal, which has also been very therapeutic. She has understood the trauma of death during Covid.
So, it might be worth a try. I find it hard - I cry every time - but it does help. I don’t think people understand how difficult it has been during Covid times, not being allowed to visit or communicate with loved ones, the guilt and regret that ensues.
I know my Mum would want me to carry on, to live life, and I’m trying my best to honour that.
Paula, I hear you, I understand your pain x