Grieving Living Exhausting

It seems that all I write is about complaining! I don’t want to become one of those people that all they do is complain - complain about anything and everything.
As I keep reading/listening to my books about grief one thing is certain, we will all grieve. As they say if you are in a long marriage part of that relationship will be grief. Grief is part of love! So depressing and so true

I moved to my new house.
I was lucky enough to have the house organised the way I wanted. I moved when it felt right for me . Across the road from my daughter closer to the the grandchildren
One month after been here I am not sure it is the right decision!
I miss where I was before- I had a couple neighbours that every so often we would have a cuppa together or we would go for a walk. Now I feel always alone

I miss the trees I had in the back garden !
My daughter is very busy with her work ( working from home) and her children couldn’t be less impressed by having me around

Might be a question of getting used to it .
In the long term it is a good idea because as I get older it will be harder to drive to see them

Sharing this with other people is a recipe for misunderstanding and to get “advice” how to lead life! “You will get used to it” “ you should be grateful “ etc etc

I am just tired and exhausted! This whole thing of grieving and living is exhausting !

Where I am now there are beautiful walks , lots of space and mud! And I go for long walks and feel like a lost wandering soul going around all by herself trying to get some peace

Here I am a Sadie that is so so tired so exhausted
I think I am in this dark mood because of the year - I find the New Year much harder than Christmas because as the year changes it might have the idea of new beginning new stuff happening and to me it is a reminder that another year passed without Jack and another year will happen without Jack
Thank you for listening
Sadie x

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Dear Sadie,
I so recognise what you are feeling, as I to take long solitary walks, missing my darling husband at every step. He died very suddenly on the coast path here in Cornwall on 29/10. He was only 61 & seemed so fit & full of life
I tried so hard to save him. I don’t think it is possible ever to get used to it, just somehow survive for the people who love us & take little steps every day. It is such hard work just to exist isn’t it, but know you are not alone, you are not complaining, you are in pain & it’s ok not to be ok. So many of us feel the same. Sending a big hug

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Dear Sadie, and all on this site. I first started to write here shortly after the death of my beloved husband of 59 years. It is 2 years, 9 months, since Alan’s passing, and I found the site helpful at the time, and became used to seeing letters from certain people on a regular basis as we began our journeys of grief. Grief is tiring Sadie, and this year of the pandemic does not help, particularly if you are already grieving. I do not look at this site often now, maybe that is a sign that I am coping, but I still get my sad days, amongst the good days. I often wake from a sleep where I have been dreaming that I was with my husband, then I suddenly wake and find he is not there! That is not a good start to another day! Today, I felt I had to look up this site, although I have not done so for sometime. Your loss, Sadie is more recent than mine, I think, so believe me you are not alone in this position with these thoughts. I too could go for walks, should, in fact, for the sake of exercise, but not keen on walking onmy own. I am fortunate that I have my daughter living within ten minutes’ drive, but she works at home, so our time together is limited. My son lives 70 miles away, so naturally I cant see him much at the moment, due to the Covid 19 restrictions. I think you were very brave moving nearer to your daughter. I actually was thinking of moving just before we knew we had the Pandemic coming. I considered a Retirement Complex style of living, then a property with a small convenient sized garden, as my present one is steep, and I cant cope with it myself, but after all that I changed my mind and stayed put! Not sure if my comments are helpful, but maybe just showing my understanding of your situation. I won’t go into the usual platitudes, I am sure you get enough of those. Thank you Sadie for your comments. Sometimes, my thoughts to encourage myself are similar to yours in that I tell myself, I have lived two years without Alan, so I can carry on. Love and Blessings to you. Deidre xx

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Dear Sadie,
I am another of those lost, wandering souls walking familiar routes trying to find peace or make sense of my unrecognisable life. Individually we’re all scattered over the country, together we’d probably make a sizeable group.
My husband and I always walked and talked constantly and how I miss his voice and loving companionship. Instead of admiring the view or noticing anything really, my mind is going and over why he isn’t with me now.
Ironically, although I hate walking alone, I also dread meeting someone who stops and asks me how I am. I don’t know any more who I am, let alone how I am. Xx

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Hello Sadie
We have corresponded with each other many times and been on this journey the same length of time so I have complete understanding of where you are coming from.
Like you I am determined to not be a complainer or a misery, I want to be a person that people enjoys coming to talk to and be with and I am pleased to say that it is working. A chat or a smile even, I am more than grateful for,
The long walks have been my saviour along with the company of my dogs, who do make me laugh.

These dark moods just have to take over at time and we have no idea where they have come from but learning to face them head on seems to be what we must do.

Pleased you have moved into your new home and wish you well.

Pat
xxx

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It comes in and out like the tide and then suddenly a tsunami hits.
What the point why do we get out of bed.
Going to bed solo making just ine cup of tea no one to say morning to or goodnight. Those sometimes pointless conversations now missed.
I do what I need to do mostly but that said I do have good moments.
I am full of self pity i feel so sorry for me still stuck in what can be a hum drum way of life.
I then look at my daughters who always try to make sure I am good and yes they mostly believe I am
I am good with secrets for sure.
I like all of you just want peace I need the thoughts of sadness to do one.
I have lost myself and this person now here is getting right on bloody nerves for sure. I thought I was ignorant but my replacement well def not keen on her

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To you all that made a comment! Thank you for listening and understanding
Sadie xx

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The sad solitary (muddy) walks describes me most days at the moment.
I assume I will eventually move to be nearer to my son, but it will mean I will have to start new friendships in the new area. I fully understand it is currently impossible for you to get out and meet new people, but I would hope you will find it easier once we get to the spring and the current pandemic recedes.
Thank you for updating us on your thoughts regarding the move

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So interesting to read your thoughts Sadie,. I lost my husband in May but he started to feel not right last Christmas. I got through this Christmas with my son and support but now all I can think about is what was happening this time last year and how ill he was feeling but how we were not getting any answers. There were five months between him feeling unwell and his death and I feel like I will regret every day because I did not do more. I thought Christmas was going to be the struggle but I the new year feels a whole lot worse.

Dear Sadie - I think we need to just have sometimes when we feel sorry for ourselves and have a complain because we have has such a loss and lost ourselves as well. Its five months since David has left but it feels like only a couple of months. I feel so alone as like most of you we were best friends and did everything together and so now I do everything alone. I had a very bad time over Christmas and just wanted him back and cried so much but seem to be back to the numb feeling now! It is very exhausting this grief and we aren’t made very well -we aren’t equipped to deal with loss. I have my dog and walking has become my major event in life and I do try and look at the beautiful nature and get some peace as well–we are all wondering around in the haze of grief. I wish we could all get together for a cuppa --strength to all x

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So sad to read your post. I’ve had much the same experience.moving house, looking to be part of my daughter’s family. Thinking I would help out. Now I feel that I’ve just given her another responsibility. Going out walking has become a chore because of the weather. My car is constantly frosted over till about 12 and there is nowhere to go anyway. My phone has stopped ringing because people think I’m ok now and have enough to occupy me. Being fit and having an active mind add to the frustration. I have routines which pass the day but the loneliness doesn’t go away. We all need our own special buddy. It’s tough not to be number one in someone’s life. I talk to my late husband and write little notes to him in my diary. He was a big personality and most of our contact was through him. It’s a different life. Not one we asked for. Keep posting here. Keep reading here. You don’t need to worry about complaining. It’s all acceptable here. I understand completely how you feel. My heart goes out to you. :heart:

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Everything you say Suelei is how I’m feeling I lost my husband of 43 years in April 2020 He died of covid after being unwell for several years with underlying health conditions It is very lonely and this never goes away I also talk to him all the time every day I have lots of his photos and I also write in a diary from time to time when I want to get things off my chest I’ve written anything and everything memories my feelings things I want to say because he died during the first lockdown and I felt I would explode if I couldn’t say what I was feeling and there was no one to talk to I have my love of him and my memories but think the loneliness is so hard to bear I cry every day Life is not the same without the person we love beside us to share our life It certainly is a different life now

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I feel for you Christine. we were married 47 years. You know the time will come when you are parted but nothing can prepare you for it. It has to be endured, each in their own way. Covid is brutal. So random. Underlying health condition would have exhausted your reserves to cope with this already. It’s 3 years since my husband died. He had cancer of bone marrow for 10 years. Still a strong man, covid like symptoms overtook him on return from a holiday in Spain. Like me you’ll have your memories but having had to care for someone for a long time leaves a great big space in your life. It isn’t that you’re feeling sorry for yourself, it’s grieving for the lost self. Keep reading, keep posting, we’re listening. :heart:

Dear Suelei
Thanks for replying
You’re right about there being a big gap in my life after having cared for my husband for nearly 4 years He went into a nursing home last January as he knew it was becoming too much for me and this was where he caught covid He was in poor health but it was still a shock for him to die so quickly in less than 48 hours as he had battled on for a long time against cancer and copd It was such a shame for both our husbands to have caught this deadly virus At first with everything being locked down I thought he would be safe there how wrong that turned out to be

I just try and get through each day My son daughter in law and grandson are my support bubble but they live nearly 200 miles away so I don’t see them very often( except on facetime) I did spend Xmas with them and it was nice to have company but sad as it was my first xmas without my husband My son never mentions his father at all I suppose that’s how he deals with it and now nobody else in the family mentions my husband They just ask if I’m OK and I say I am as its easier that way

At Xmas I received a card from an ex neighbour addressed to both of us despite me putting a note in mine to tell her what had happened. A little later I got a card from her saying she’d posted her card before getting mine and she was sorry if she’d caused me distress by bringing it all back to me. This was wellmeant but she’d obviously thought I’d managed to forget all about it!

Take care and thanks for listening
Christine

Dear Christine
Even if people don’t mention your husband nothing stops you of doing so
I talk about Jack all the time

Duelei - by any chance are you Brazilian?
Sadie x

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My daughter s and I can say things like ‘dad would have liked this’ or the grandchildren like to look at the stars or the clouds or a robin and say that’s grandad. Family comment when they see photos of him on fb. it’s good memories. Friends not so much but that’s ok too. They helped me over the worst of it when I was wrecked. It was too much to ask of my daughters as they were grieving deeply too.

Sadsadie, no I’m not Brazilian but funnily enough years ago a Brazilian girl showed me a photo of her sister who could have been my twin. Why do you ask?

I asked because of your name - there is the name Sueli, Suely and I thought yours was a variation
Sadie

I know how you feel i constantly feel exhausted and im not even working full time just 2 hours a day
My head is constantly going round one day im ok next im not one day i want to scream and cry next day o feel i need to move on arrghh its so hard i am waiting to start counselling soon 6 months on the pain is so raw i thought i was doing ok but im not i know i will never be the same again i just have to learn to live with it not easy and not easy starting a new year without him although last year he was ill he was still here until June xx

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