Grieving the loss of my daughter

Our daughter Dawn passed away December 11th 2016, she was 47, she was in a coma for 4 days. All I hope was that she could hear us talking to her and hearing us tell her how much we love her. That would bring so much comfort, we miss her so much, life is unbearable without her. I am under the doctor for depression and all he wants to do is give me tablets, I am under a councillor and she is brilliant but she says its still early day, my husband is great but he is grieving in his own way, even. Everybody else thinks that I should be getting over it although its only been 16 weeks, I feel like I am grieving by myself, I cry all the time and call her name, I just miss her so much, will it ever get easier?

Hi Maddie im sorry for your loss .I truly understand the coma situation (my wife was in 1 for 13 weeks in 2008 she died 04032016 on her 41st birthday)Getting over the loss of your child are these people stupid .Its a parent worst nightmare it doesnt make sense and no parent wants to out live there child or children .Me id tell those people to shut up and go away (ive done this to people and have no regrets)It will get easier when it does theres no time limit or special reciepe to get over grieve unfortunately.There are posts from members whove lost a child .Im sure theyll be in contact soon .I hope ive not been too blunt (but i dont see a happy picture in death)Take care Colin (57)

Hello Maddie49 and a warm welcome to our Community. I am so sorry to read of the loss of your daughter - whatever their age, the loss of a child will always be hugely devastating to a parent.

16 weeks is no time at all so no one should possibly expect you to be ‘over it’. It’s good that you have found a counsellor that you’re happy with, that sounds like a very positive step to have taken.

You might find it helpful to chat to some other members who have lost a daughter or son. This thread here for example from Alison56uk has many replies from people in a similar situation https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/my-daughter-32yr-passed-away-metastatic-melanoma-month-ago-today

I do hope that you find some comfort and support here with us.
best wishes
Nancy

PS I notice your post came up a few times - someone else had the same problem so a gremlin with our site I think - I will delete the extra posts for you.

hi,colin thankyou for your kind words ,I’m so sorry for the loss of you wife,it is so hard isn’t it? they say time will heal but cannot see a future without her.I still cant put her photo out,and I cry everytime I get near where she used to live,we went to Portugal for a few days just for a change of scenary, but cried all the way home and haven’t stopped since.take care hope to speak to you again.

Hello Maddie,
my son Sam died on the 9th December 2016, he was 34 so like you it’s still raw so I think how on earth can people say you have to get over it…like Colin said ignore them. I know I will never get over losing Sam although I will eventually come to terms with it. He died of a brain tumour. I try desperately hard to keep really busy. I have another son who has a little boy and every Wednesday I look after him. I started zumba I now go twice a week. Literally I try to tire myself out. There is no time limit for grieving.

Take care
Helen

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Hello Helen,
I’m so sorry for your loss, its very hard isn’t it? some people just don’t understand what its like, I have another daughter with three grandchildren and she has been great but,still feel very lonely and empty,. this year is going to be very hard because this time last year she started to go into hospital with all sort of complication, then came out of hospital in july and she seemed so much better then after 6weeks started to go downhill again,she was being sick ll the time,and good not keep anything down ,they arranged for her to have the camra put down but put her straight into idu,then eventualy she went into a coma and did not come out of it.she died of mallutrion and liver disease,.xmas was painfull and dreading this year,think Iwill just shut myself away. Take care hope to speak again maddie

Hi Maddie re photos dont worry you cant look at them (ive taken all the photos down its too painfull )Dont feel guilty if you laugh at something for a secound or a minute .Your brain and heart need this to continue to battle through your nightmare Yes its a lonely road but you have here to offload no such thing as moaning or a silly question .Your life has changed into something words cant express in a bad way Colin

It is 30 years ago today, that we last saw our beloved daughter Elizabeth, then just 21 years of age. I took her back to Hillingdon Hospital, where she was a final year S.R.N. student and had just taken her final examinations, which we know she passed. Elizabeth came home to see her sister’s new baby and was unwell with what appeared to be a bad Migraine. She insisted that I take her back as they were short staffed. Elizabeth was found dead in her room at the nurse’s quarters, 5 days after reporting sick, most likely from Meningitis. I am still trying to obtain a copy of her S,R,N qualification and some acknowledgment of her dedication and devotion to duty. I have written letters to Her Majesty the Queen, the Prime Minster, the Secretary of Health, our own local M.P. and again to the Director of Nursing at Hillingdon Hospital, Theresa Murphy, asking for their intervention.

I am sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel. My daughter passed away 24 weeks today on 22nd October 2016 aged 32yrs. She was in a coma for the last couple of days. Hearing is thought to be the last sense to go so Dawn would have heard you as would my Rachel. I miss her so much. The loss is unbearable at times. It seems to come in waves. I am trying to keep busy during the day. The night times are the worst. Too much time to think. I haven’t seen a counsellor as I can’t really express into words how I feel. I have joined The Compassionate Friends who have support groups for bereaved parents. I went to a Bereaved Parent’s weekend in March which I found very helpful. We shall never get over it and people shouldn’t expect us to. There is no greater loss than losing your child. We just have to try to carry on as best we can. xx

I know how you feel Maddie, today is my birthday and the first where Sam hasn’t popped round to bring me a card, but I put up the one from last year, because what ever anyone says I still have 2 sons. It is hard there is no easy route so I literally just try and tire myself out.
take care
Helen

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Happy birthday for yesterday. I did the same thing with the card on mothers day but I think it made me more sad .and everyone that came round had to look twice,thinking but she only has one daughter now but they just don’t understand…today we have been to see her grave where we have put her ashes,i feel close to her there, and talk to her to let her know what has been going on,and I don’t want to leave, I ask her if she has been sending the feathers as I have had quite a few now,oh how I hope so …
best wishes maddie49

Hello Alison I’m so sorry for the loss of daughter she too was to young to go. How I hope you are right about the hearing the last to go she went into a coma on the Wednesday evening her husband was there with her he said a single tear came and that was that, so we didn’t know she would not come out of it. the doctor said on the Friday she only had a couple of days to live,so we stayed with her evey minute we could and must of told her we loved her a thousand times, I would just have piece of mind if I new she could hear us. she died 2.15 sunday morning December 11th,we were there when she took her last breath,and I wanted to die with her .I miss her so much and you try and carry on but it so hard,people cant understand why you feel depressed,they do not want to hear about it. But you are right we have to carry on the best we can or give up xx.

Thanks Maddie, those feathers are her way of letting you know ths I did put Sam’s card out that he gave me last year on my 60th and surprisingly my birthday went well. I have a sister in law who lost her son 2 years ago when he was 30, he went out to play football went in for a tackle and hit his head on the clubhouse wall died 3 days later in hospital. We went out for a meal with them and the rest of the family and a few very close friends who are always there for me. It’s nice that you have somewhere to go to feel close to your daughter, Sam is still at home in his urn with me and I know when the time comes I am going to struggle to let it go as I walk in to the room every morning and speak to him.

Love Helen

I was the same I told Rachel how much I loved her lots of times before she passed away. I held her hand as she took her last breath and I wanted to die too. It was such an awful moment. She passed away on the Saturday night at 23:55hrs. I don’t like Saturday nights now. Our lives have changed forever. People were very sympathetic initially but they carry on with their normal lives while we continue to grieve and put on a brave face. I am keeping busy. We are moving house to be nearer my son and grandchildren. I’m also training to run the Great Manchester Run 10K in May for Melanoma UK in memory of Rachel. I talk to Rachel while I’m running. She keeps me going. I allow myself a good cry when I need it and I expect that to continue for a long long time. Take care xx

Hello everyone, I exspect you have found it a struggle to get through easter,the first one without our beloved sons and daughters.Ijust feel I’m getting worse I think I could cry all day if I let myself,you are all so right people around you evan relitaves do not understand what we are going through,you smile as not to make them sad but inside you are dying just want to go home and cry.Oh I would give anything to have my Dawn back now all we have is a few ashes,oh wish we could turn back the clock,just to hug and kiss her and tell how much we love her maddie49

This Easter was the 30th Anniversary of our Daughter Elizabeth being found dead in her Nurse’s room at Hillingdon Hospital., This was 5 days after she reported sick and 19 days after taking her S.R.N. final examination, which we know she passed!. Ever since, I have been asking for a copy of Elizabeth’s Certificate and keep being told that there are NO records of her, by the Director of Nursing at Hillingdon Hospital, but some of the older staff remember her!!!
I have now written The Queen, The Prime Minister, The Secretary for Health, our local M.P, Maria Miller and AGAIN to the Director of Nursing Hillingdon Hospital, Theresa Murphy.
So far I have only received replies from Maria Murphy, who is making inquiries and an associate of Jeremy Hunt, who said that they could do nothing!

HELPPPPPP!

Hi Maddie my sharryn was 46.and she passed on October the ,10th 2016.she died of cancer that was a negligent misdiagnosis.she had in 2014 been diagnosed with herpes.which indeed she never had.was treated for over a year for herpes but in fact had a cancerous tumour that was left to grow.the hospital diagnosed her again in 2015.and then found she had a late stage vulval cancer.she had to have a radical vulvectomy.she then went on to have follow up radiotherapy.but it was all too late.she was immobile never out of hospital.she never hate was always sick nauseous.and throwing up .even liquids.her cancer then metastisied to her lung.in the last weeks of my darlings life could hardly bear to look at her she deteriorated rapidly.I knew she was dying when she was put on to the morphine syringe driver and that is when I had meltdown.I tried to end my own life .I could not stand the painful purgatory in my head.could not get any relief.I wanted to bash my brains out and curl up and die.

Hi Colin. I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife in such awful circumstances Yes, I think some people are very insensitive. I’ve just terminated a 38 year relationship with someone who I thought was my best friend. My husband died 20 weeks ago today and her understanding and support didn’t last and she needed to find a “safe place for herself”!! I.e. Away from my grief I suppose. We should be so lucky as to have a safe place to hide from it, there isnt anywhere is there? Another “friend” couldn’t stop to talk as she was talking to a man who had just lost his dog … I’m afraid I don’t take any prisoners these days. If anyone can’t understand or help then they can “do one” as far as I’m concerned. Best wishes to you. You do so well trying to help others here.

Oh Annette,im am so sorry about the terrible time you have had with your darling daughter Sharryn. It is so painful watching them suffering,i just wanted to die with her,then when she pass I did not want to leave her I wanted to bring her home from the hospital with me. She also suffered for years as a result of a gastric bypass, as she was one of the first to have it done she was never right after,always ill had hernias;double twisted bowel,shingles always in pain then this year ended up in hospital,from march.untill july she could not walk or stand, could not keep anything down thought it was all the tablets she was taken,but they tried to put the camra down but couldn’t this was november23rd then she just got worse until she went into a deep coma and that was it we stayed with her until she died december11 2016. the thing she loved life and was a terrific business woman it is such a waste, nothing will ever be the same again I miss her ringing me every night she was my rock. take care keep in touch.maddie 49.

Hi Maddie .have woken very early today this morning.thanks for your endearing reply.can’t get my sharryn out of my mind.keep reviewing past events.and wondering if I can carry on .I am finding it a tremendous herculian task.I keep asking why oh why.my faith in god is in question now?this pain is unendurable .how are you coping ?invisible hugs to you.Annette.xx.