guilt about being the one left behind.

As human beings,We go through life hoping to be healthy and happy .Some of us eventually find somebody that improves how quality of life a million fold.Some body we can share all parts of our lives with.Some body we can share our highs and lows.I was very lucky to of found my soulmate Jayne.
It was only a few years ago that Jayne talked about taking a lump sum out of her pension when she reached 55.we were going sell up move to Brixham in Devon.were we had holidayed several times in our years together.Its such a peaceful relaxing place and it was the place Jayne and I had set our hearts on.
im sitting here now having gone through a nightmare 9 months of losing Jayne,getting nastiness from Jaynes family and having to leave the home I shared with Jayne for 21 years.Knowing that my wonderful partner best friend and soulmate wanted me be ok if she should depart this world.Iknow Jayne worked very hard in her (to me)short life.And everything Jayne did was helping secure a comfortable life in both our retirements.i feel so damn guilty that its only me that is getting rewarded for all Jaynes very hard work.its no compensation for losing my soulmate,and I know some people out there will be related to daughters or sons whove lost their lives and now their wifes husband or partner are getting their pension and feel like they dont deserve it.maybe I dont and I dont feel happy about it.i know lots of criteria had to be met to be even considered to have a chance of receiving Jaynes pension.and having been excluded from involvement in Jaynes funeral and treated like shyte and our relationship belittled be Jaynes mum and family,Getting Jaynes pension made me realise that the pension company knew we were a couple and that Jayne would of wanted me have im writing this floods of tears are rolling down my face and its sadness at not being able share the rest of my life with Jayne.
please please any parent whose lost a daughter or son,dont treat the partner left behind as if they are nothing ,even if you didn’t get on with them,their hearts are broken and they need all the support you can spare in your own time of grief.hating them or blaming them will not make things better for either of you.

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Had a phone call from Lina a long time work colleague of Jaynes.she used to talk to Jayne a lot,and Jayne had mentioned that if anything happened to her she just wanted make sure I was ok.cant say im emotionally ok,but least Jaynes helped provide me an home and money to help me live.just wish Jayne was here with me xxx

That’s all we would wish for.I would live in a cardboard box if it meant Rob was with me.Material things don’t matter anymore x