Guilt and Grief

Coping with bereavement
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My Dad died five years ago.

He died in hospital , the charge nurse was disrespectful and verbally abusive towards him . I confronted her and she said it was a joke. I told her that to speak like that and call a 92 yr.old man names was far from a joke to him.

I made many complaints and wrote to my MP but it was all platitudes and glossed over. The MP even blamed Covid ! I was prevented from visiting as there was ‘covid on the ward’ .

I visited my dad on his 92nd. Birthday he was greatly improving the day after they locked the ward down. I found a residential care home for him and phoned to tell the ward and ask that he be told. The care home told me the ward had written a dreadful report on my Dad. 2 weeks later I was allowed in.

The doctor refused to treat him for a serious urine infection.

He developed a urinine infection . Dad begged me to take him home. I dont live near him , I was alone and could not see how I would cope. He was extremely confused. I told staff I wanted to take him home they said he needs 24 hr.care. I will never forgive myself for listening to them when they said no one would help me and I would be looking after him 24/7. I didnt know where to turn.
I realise now that had I taken him home the GP would have treated him and I would have got help but they were keeping him highly sedated on morphine . I sat by his bedside during the day but he was largely confused and hallucinating. They kept turning him to hasten his death.

Oh my God , I am so sorry I allowed this torture to happen to my Dad. With hindsight I could have stopped it but in the midst of the horror and all the nurses and doctors seemingly set on his death I felt powerless.

I am so, so sorry for letting you down Dad . I am broken and so sorry

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Dear Shandy

Reading you post has bought back so many memories of my dad’s passing too. I am so sorry you lost your dad this way. My dad’s treatment in hospital was terrible and I fought daily for better for him.

At the time I considered taking him home but knew it was impossible, he’d fallen and broken three ribs, fractured his spine and had pneumonia. He was so neglected in the ward he was in it was cruel. I complained too and can only hope the findings improved things for other patients.

What I do know is my dad would hate me to beat myself up over what happened. We do our best, that’s all we can do. We trust in the caring professions that are supposed to be there for them.

I can hear your struggling with your grief, guilt is something we all feel. Have you spoken to your GP about how your feeling? Mine has been amazing and I’ve just started councelling.

Talking does help. Here you can ask anything. There are some amazing people who will be along to help in sure.

Sending you a big hug x

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You have truly had a dreadful time, but I sincerely hope that posting on here will give you some relief. Not only because of all the lovely people who will reply with words of comfort, but by putting all your feelings down on “paper” it can help get these sad feelings out in the open and stop them going round in your head, it sounds like they are spoiling your memories of your dad. As Helen39 has said, perhaps you might benefit from counselling, or at least talking to someone. Best wishes.

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Think you. I had not thought of speaking to my GP . I will do that .

It helped to write this down but Its difficult to see time of peace in my mind , i am still crying daily but I cannot continue like this, so GP next stop.

Thankyou xxx