I am consumed with guilt for my shortcomings when I was caring for my late wife who had alzeimers. I should have done better. She died 3rd january this year. Now I cant tell her how much I love her. People tell me to be kind to myself but that just seems an easy answer. Has anyone got similar feelings?
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Hi Derrick, so sorry for the loss of your wife.
The short answer to your question is yes. Many of us feel a bit guilty and also angry. It’s part of the price we pay for loving someone, i.e. grief.
I wrote this a while ago for my wife who passed in March 2025.
You take care
Derrick, You are not alone, my Darling wife of 52 years had Parkinson’s diagnosed in 1994. she left me in April 2024. No matter how much you d you could have done more. I was her carer for 20 odd years as Parkinson’s gradually took things away from her. She was wonderful, how she handled the Parkinson’s and put up with me, marvelous. I always helped her, sometimes I was grumpy, which I feel guilt over. I could have done more, It does not matter how much you do you could have done more, been better etc. You were there for her. So stop the guilt trip, that we all do. You did what you could at the time. I try hard to remember the good times and the things that made her smile. My wife’s Parkinson’s caused her to lean to one side, which when she tried to sit upright made her back ache. I raised the arm of her chair some 9 inches, well padded. The first time she settled into the chair, leaning on the raised arm, her smile was worth a million. I will always remember that, Something I definably got right, that she appreciated. So I try and stop the guilt and find some happy memories. Come back for a chat, rant of just a ramble like I just have.
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Hi Derrick,
We all feel guilty about something, did we do everything we could? Yes we are not doctors or medical trained. We did are best we stayed and looked after are loved ones.
I have been told by a doctor and counsellor and other people, not to feel guilty. Yet i do and i always will. Sue collapsed at home a day after her first chemotherapy treatment. I had to do cpr till the Ambulance arrived. Then when i got to the hospital, i got told her heart had stopped a couple of times on the way down. I had walked past where they were working on her tubes and a machine keeping her heart going. So with the cancer and her heart stopping they did not know what she would be like. So i had to tell them to let her go. Which broke my heart. At least i got to sit with her and play her,her favourite song and hold her hand. As they turned off,the machines. Yes i will always feel guilty, but i shouldn’t it was out of love.
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Some bedtime reading: Exploring the Meaning of Self-Compassion and Its Importance